recent realizations

It has been going quite stressful and also kinda smooth with respect to work. It is very hard for me to decide whether this means the long sought-for change in my attitude and evaluations, or a sign of a problem coming.

I sure wish it is the first alternative.

The changes that have happened in me and my attitude when it comes to work are as follows:

  • I compare myself to others now, rather than comparing to the ideal I hold up for myself. This kind of relaxes the stress I impose on myself and increase my confidence (as I do not beat myself up for not reaching to the “ideal” I painted.

 

  • Nobody, even myself, can say that “I do not work, contribute, or produce”. I have proven myself how much I do work in the last two years and I am more than content with this. This brings confidence in my abilities and makes me feel like I am not dispensable. Rather I am a valuable part of my organization.

 

  • I am vocal about the hard-work I do and ask for appreciation or acknowledgement. This may sound like “begging for things”, but it is rather a sign of my confidence and self-esteem; I am content with my performance and I want it to be recognized.

 

  • I take things easier or make an effort to take them easy. This has happened in the last couple of days; I have so many things to figure out and urgently that I do not have the time for any of them. My usual self would go, read, and contemplate about all the details prior to making a decision or moving on, but I do not have this luxury anymore. So, the end result is instead of paralyzing my mental work, I move on with the abstract concepts and general views. Better than nothing. At least I feel better.

 

  • I take mini rests everyday, usually at night, to recuperate. I allow myself to stop thinking about the issues and rather focus on my personal interest and try to enjoy my time. Things can wait till tomorrow, when I will have a crystal clear mind.

 

  • I use my morning hours to my advantage and do the most important things. I need to take the cab to the office at 5-6am, but that is okay. It gives me time and comfort.

 

  • I remove distractions from my life so that I can focus on what is important. The house chore can wait, the emails can be responded later, and work can be delegated to others if not critical. How about that? My.. My.. what a change 🙂

 

  • I keep a well organized and healthy office environment. Clean and free of clutters. And full of plants 🙂 They make everything look and feel much better. I am very excited about them 🙂

 

  • I keep telling myself that this is not the first time that I ended up with under stress. I have survived the past stress and I will survive this one too.

 

  • I will not accept new tasks for a while – this is a relief and makes me determined to say “no”.

 

  • The more issues I deal with, the more I learn about myself and how to best work. I truly believe that no matter how mundane a task is I would make a detailed assessment and work carefully. The more responsibility I do have, the more issues appear. Since my time and energy do not increase linearly with them, I must place them in a “relative” scale. I still care and pay attention to things, but again when I compare myself to others, I feel confidence in the work and assessments I do – if they can not fail, why should I?

 

  • I feel much better if I put the effort and do my “best”. I mostly care about silencing my own critique; as long as I am satisfied with myself, I do not care much about what others think. Lovely 🙂

 

  • I just realized this morning that “good stress” makes me remember things and motivates me to address things. Thus, even though I may end up having anxious thoughts in the morning, I know they are there to remind myself to move. Good job!

 

  • I evaluate things differently now. Previously I used to define the changes in my sleep pattern (sleeping around 6 hours and then waking up quite early) as “sleep disturbance”. Yesterday I realized that the opposite was true. While my sleep pattern has changed, it was for the best; I still get sleepy at around 10 pm, have a deep sleep around 6-7 hours, and wake up early. This gives me much needed rest (deep and sound sleep) and much needed time (by going to office early). It is not disturbance, as I used to label it. It rather is a blessing 🙂

 

  • I also realized that while I have a tendency to go around my comfort zone (by, for example, focusing on the tasks that I am most comfortable to address first than the more important tasks), time to time I also jump into risky projects. They are hard to develop or execute, but once they are taken care of they yield higher value. I do not do these continuously, but the last year has been like this and I keep going. Either I will fail or I will win. Only time will show.

 

It has been good to me that I found myself in such a stressed situation – things have started to clear.

I hope 🙂

 

 

 

 

all the good things – check

  • sleeping well and getting up early – check

a good quality of sleep is something awesome, friends. It makes you refreshed, rested, and positive. Have I mentioned my doctor recommended using melatonin to help sleep? I took it only once; it upset my stomach and it felt strange. I am considering taking half of the supplements, but I will see how this will go first – maybe the better weather and sunny days will help. 

  • working at home on a report review and almost finishing it – check

this feels good. I have been working on it for the last three days. A kind of complicated file and reviewing it was hard, but I am almost there. I do this review for an external organization of which I am a member. There are a number of points that I do not have the expertise to evaluate. I note them clearly and make them know. I have come up with this idea a while ago while reviewing another file. I do not want to be responsible for shortsightedness if the file turns out to be problematic in the future. Feeling good to protect myself 🙂

  • deciding to go to office even though it is a public holiday today (Victoria day) – check

I thought it was the best opportunity to do some work at the office while there were not many people around. I am glad I have! There were a few people like me who worked today but it was such a quiet and peaceful environment that I felt like I have done 3 days worth of work in a couple of hours. I am pleased 🙂

  • walking to and from the office today – check!

this is the first time in a while that I have walked to office! I not only saved money (total around 20 bucks today), but also found a chance to exercise my body and calm my mind 🙂

  • eating better with lots of fruits and healthy food – check
  • feeling calmer and hopeful – check

this is very important for me. I have been having down moments and anxiety lately – today has been really good in this regard 🙂

  • realizing that my health-related expenses are increasing and I must make efforts to minimize my unnecessary expenses – check

This is not particularly a good news, but I would like to see it as such. It reminded me a few years back when I did not have much money left from my pay cheque (immediately after buying my house). It was a very hard feeling but I had decided to cut significant expenses to turn things around. I have not been fugal in the last 11 months, which shows in my chequing account. I have continuous physiotherapy (for my lower back) and now counseling sessions to start.. These are expensive services.

While I recognize their importance and benefits to me, I also recognize the fact that I may not be able to finance all of them while also taking the cab twice a day, eating junk food every day, and shopping without thinking much… It is time that I bone cut my all unnecessary expenses, friends. Every penny counts – I know this. I may not be able to get back all the money I wasted, but I may as well stop wasting more.

Good thing is that one of my recurring expense, my hair treatments as part of my saga to transition to gray hair is about to come to an end. I have one appointment next week and maybe yet another one in summer left to complete the transition (I hope). My hair looks a lot better than what I thought it would be, but it is time that I take a break from expensive toner treatments and see whether I can keep my hair myself. We will see how this will go ahead 🙂 Gray hair is a sensitive matter!! 🙂

  • removing a social from my calendar – check

under different conditions I would be happy to attend, but I am so booked that I do not wish to spend time on other peoples’ functions anymore. This was a surprising turn for me. Am I getting selfish? No. Am I prioritizing myself? Yes. I needed this.

I also did not want to spend money on this function. I thought I would rather spend this money on myself and this felt good. I am taking care of myself 🙂

  • deciding that I did not have to attend all work-related functions or meetings – check

there are at least 4 functions I was invited to in a couple of weeks. These are functions that will acknowledge my team members’ success and achievements. While they are incredibly honoring moments, I will be wasting around 10 hours collectively. I can rather use this time for myself. I can go to physiotherapy, for example. Since each session costs me around 2.5 hours, I was only able to have sessions every other week. can you imagine? i cannot even make it to my physiotherapy because I am so crunched of time…

I kind of found that sad.

It is the right decision. I can use my time to care for myself. I am sure my team members will understand.

  • thinking that whatever has been happening in my professional life, they are not more important than my personal well-being – check!!!

Priceless.

 

 

my love affair with self-sufficiency

Life is interesting.

I have never been interested in cooking or being self-sufficient.

In the last two years, however, this has change. I still do not like cooking but baking, pickling, and jamming have been awesome. I could not be more excited 🙂

Fermented food

Sourdough: I first became interested in baking bread and I now even have a sourdough starter that makes wonders every week 🙂 I have not purchased any store-made bread since May 2016. I also shared my sourdough and commercial yeast loaves with my fiends. What a joy 🙂

Kefir: I then was gifted by kefir grains within 2017 and i not only fell in love with kefir itself, but I made cheese/spread from it and even used it in baking bread 🙂 Drinking kefir makes me feel good and I know that it gives me the calcium that I need at my age in addition to many nutrients. I am very happy with it 🙂

Pickles: I did pickles before thanks to my mother, but I have never been this interested in it until recently – I love the beet and cabbage pickles I make! I think it is the benefit of living in a cold climate that the pickle lasts long without going bad and this way I always have a jar or two in my kitchen. I made three batches of beet pickles this fall enjoyed by myself and my friends 🙂

Sauerkraut: And tomorrow I will try my first ever sauerkraut! 

How about this? 

I think I am moving in the right direction 🙂

 

Jam/marmalade:

And just within the last 5-6 weeks, I started experimenting with making jam; dried fig jam first, then orange and tangerine, and today the raspberry jam/marmalade 🙂

I feel like I am doing such a great job refraining from additives and chemicals in store-bought jams/bread/pickles. I must be rightfully proud of myself and I am!

 

Sewing

Okay.. I have not been as productive as I wished, but since I purchased my lovely sewing machine last year, I have done small stuff, including lots of covers for jars and discloth/cloth for the counter and window sills. I am yet to undertake a serious project, like a blouse or a quilt, but I know when the time comes, that will happen too 🙂

 

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These are newfound interests for me and they have been enriching my life, providing me healthy and affordable food/items, and I feel increasingly “able”.

I really am excited about this change in me.

 

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