Change is good and is here

Happy Sunday, folks – I hope you all are safe and well.

Do you know this feeling when you constantly run from one thing to the next and wish you could just stop and process what has been happening?

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I bet you do.

Those who follow my blog knows that I have an intense work that makes me run from literally one meeting to the next, from one task to the other.

I hardly have that life-work balance, and work most of the time, even when I am exhausted.

The good thing is that I have been taking a couple of days off here and there, and this gave me the much needed opportunity to just stop and process.

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What did I find during these self-reflection moments?

I have done so well within the last few years, and especially since the Holidays since when I was non-stop working. Yes, things are slower and requires much more effort and time (working from home..), but I have actually done quite a lot, and also entered into new areas and experiences professionally, so I actually admire my interest and resilience now.

I also found out that I was in peace with my past and was peaceful in the present. Whether this is because of my age and wisdom coming from it, or something else (like my antidepressant medication), I do not know. What I know is that I feel good and I am aware that everything happened and every choices I made, even the bad ones, brought me to today.

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I also realized that I had changed a little bit, especially during the pandemic. I can so “no” more easily and reduce my workload (and stress). I can stop being too meticulous on things that do not matter that much. I still do a great, high quality job. I just better sort what needs my meticulousness, time, and efforts at full extent, and what does not.

And, I found out that I need to change a couple of things in my daily life. I struggle with eating a variety of food – I tend to eat the same greens and fish all the time. Recently shopping became just an automatic act, picking up the same things all over week after week. I always fell into this routine. I made a mental note that I could make an effort to diversify the food I am consuming, and make cooking and eating a little bit fun.

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I also need to care more about my bones, muscles, and flexibility as a mid-age lady. I know walking is great but it does not help much with the bone density, so light weight training as well as stretching need to be an integral part of my daily life. These are not new aims – in the past I was able to keep up with them for sometime, and then they slowly slipped out of my routine. Why? Because I have so many things in my to-do list. By having a me-time, which will help these permanently integrated in my life. is thus more important than ever.

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My weight. I was always a big girl, which I do not mind. But with age came the fat in the belly area, which I do not like. I know what makes me lose weight and what makes me gain weight. Exercise will not make me lose weight, only what I eat. So more greens, less starchy food, and more protein. That is my best dietary strategy to lose the fat. Since I many times in my life wanted to lose weight but never kept it, perhaps this aim is now more important than ever. Why not to make the weight loss one aim that will stamp my mid-age years? Worth trying 🙂

Professionally, I looked at my to do list and I have seen a couple of things only 🙂 That means I can start new projects, undertake new roles, and develop more as a professional. I am very excited about this 🙂

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Somethings however does not need to change. They are well established in my life and they are good. for example, saving, investing money for my retirement. Cleaning the home regularly. Visiting the thrift stores for items I may need and use. Helping others in need, such as family or animal shelters. Limiting waste, especially food waste. My furniture or other items in the house. All good for now.

The moral of the story is that sometimes we need to stop and help our mind bring us what needs to be cherished and what needs to change. Both are good. Take that time off, folks.

The second day of the “work” staycation

Today went well too; worked more or less without much of a distraction and it felt good to be able to do this.

My anxiety levels are still high, though, and unless I find a way to reduce it, I am afraid it may escalate. So I will be making a good effort to go back to my routine tomorrow; thank goodness it is Saturday tomorrow and I will fill it up with my regular activities, such as cleaning the house, picking up milk from a store, doing laundry, preparing my sourdough for over night rise, and speaking with my family. I must also clean up the yard and pick the weeds and other unnecessary life forms. I never knew how much I would appreciate my daily (and often times boring) highly structured life-style.

I am familiar with anxiety accompanied with shallow breathing and the feeling of being scared of something, someone, a thought. I try to not resist but rather relax into it and mediate the situation with some meditative music and focusing on the positives; I have a great family who supports me; I am doing great work; my home and yard are at a much better shape than last year; I keep budgeting and living frugally; I try to find joy and happiness in little things; there is a wonderful weather outside; I was able to keep my window open the whole day and have fresh air inside; I have good friends who are happy to socialize with me and help me if needed; I have usually a great job that provides me with more than enough money (even though it also makes me feel inadequate – the main reason of my latest anxiety boot).

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I feel angry at the conditions that limits me at work and my performance; i am angry at the funding situation for our projects; I am angry at the endless competition we undergo to achieve something; I am angry at the economy; I am angry at myself for not saying “no” more often and often ending up doing other peoples’ works. I am angry at myself for not focusing on the positive and the big picture we call life, rather than all the little antsy bitsy things that I let to annoy me.

I want to feel good and I know that as long as I have this wish, this anxiety will not go anywhere. Wishing to feel good by running away from what I am experiencing is a form of resistance that makes things worse. It is so counter intuitive. I know there are things that I will change and improve as a result of this experience. I just do not know what they are.

The best remedy for anxiety is to trust the unknown. I need to trust to life, the universe if you will, people around me, and more importantly, myself. I may fail at work according to my own or others’ criteria, I know I will get up being better and stronger out of this hurdle. Maybe I will turn things around by being a little bit more smart in protecting my own time and energy, a little bit more lucky, or by changing my own attitude towards myself, my life, my work, my colleagues, my hopes, and my failures. 

I know all of these. 

Now it is time to believe in them.

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seeing glass half-empty

Argh… What a mess.

I am tired.

Almost exhausted.

One thing over the other.

It is all work-related of course…

You know I really believe in the fact that I usually have a tendency to see the glass half-empty. If it was not for my joy journal, I would probably keep dwelling on the negative, issues, and the feelings I experience because of them. And I would miss all the beautiful things happening in addition to them.

I, however, work well.

I, however, take care of stuff to my best.

I, however, witness beautiful things around me.

I, however, cannot accept well the things that I cannot change.

I also do not forgive myself easily.

Argh…

here I am miserable within my own world that I shaped for myself.

I know I am not the only one that goes thru this. I know many people work and face with hurdles as much as I do, even more and bigger. yet, they keep smiling and not exhausting as much as I am.

The reasons I am feeling miserable, stressed, exhausted, and inadequate are because of my own choices towards work – it needs to be high quality, finish as soon as possible, and I should dwell into new fields all the time.

Well, I cannot have a work of poor quality, so I applaud myself for insisting on it. Yet, I can relax the need to finish things in limited periods of time. And I do not have to fly in the new fields, new questions, new projects all the time. Maybe it is time that I realize I have a limited capacity, too. Perhaps instead of challenging myself and others around me, I should focus on what I do best. Maybe I should choose comfort over challenge more often.

Lesson of the day 🙂

self reflections on a poem re; one part of me is yours

In an earlier post, I had come up with a two-line poem:

one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else

I have since been perplexed and mesmerized by it because I am not sure whether it is the most romantic or the cheesiest thing I have ever said.

If not cheesy then, what does it mean? What is its significance? What was I thinking while writing it?

I sometime have free-writing sessions where I just type down things as they appear in my mind. That poem was a product of such a session, though I certainly had an inspiring person in my mind. So sadly, I cannot know what was going through my mind at that time.

But I contemplated about the other questions. My current interpretation is that she refers to her feelings, thoughts, care, and memories about him (or maybe just her heart) when she says “one part of me is yours”. That I would say is a romantic thing to say, though one can question why she was his only in part but not entirely. Realistically, one part is good enough. So I will leave it here.

While the first part is a simple but powerful statement, the second part is overly a clichĂ© (e.g. treasure) and an over-generalization (e.g. more than anything else), so there is a little bit of a sharp turn here. Anyhow. But I understand that she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much. Why? Just because it is his? I think that is a critical question to ask but I am not sure whether I have an answer to it yet. Additionally, she sounds overly protective of her “part”; I would say she is determined.

These being said, I need to go back to the section above; “she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much“.

Even more than him??

When I reflected on this question, I realized that the entire effort to find a meaning, a label for this poem fell apart. I realized that she does not have him. All she has of him is her “part”. This is her only connection to him; if she loses her feelings, thoughts, memories about him, she loses him. She loses her love. That is why she values it that much.

This poem is not romantic or cheesy; it is a very sad poem.

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