Year of 2020

I want to make 2020 a year for my own.

I want to be free in 2020 and have a normal life.

Self-centered and caring – these are what I want for myself.

First thing first; I want to break my routine; have a smart TV and Netflix subscription; eat different food; try fancy recipes; wear good quality outfit.

I also want to stop responding to emails at the weekend and helping others achieve at my own expense.

I want my energy to be spent on myself.

 

 

when it is selfish, when it is good?

I have a previous team member of mine, who would like to re-join my team. Knowing what a terrific and efficient team member they were, of course I am delighted to employ them again! However, I also feel like I am their mentor so I should be thinking about their best first. I kind of think that if they work in a different department, it would be much better for their development and future career plans.

I did communicate these thoughts to my team member. He in fact made a contact with the other department, even though they were reluctant – they think that their work, development, and progress under my leadership will be faster and more effective (it is always great to hear such feedback from my team members – if there is one thing I am good at is to help them and their projects progress on time and without much of a delay. This often means that I shoulder a lot of things myself and move things forward, and hence extra stress, but the end results – their success – is always satisfying).

The team member is now at the cross road of choosing which department to go; mine or the other? I encouraged them to think what is best for them, but also expressed my willingness to welcome them in my team. I am sure this helped them feel great about themselves, having a secure place and offer always does. But I hope it will not complicate their decision process.

I kinda leave the rest to life – I would be more than happy to have them in my team. I would also be more than happy to have them develop themselves in an area that they are particularly interested in, even though the other department will not take responsibility for my team member’s development or progress as much I can.

We will see how life will guide our lives soon.

why guilt is so easy and why self-love is so hard to find

I came to realization that I have a hard time loving myself.

After yesterday’s post on prioritizing myself and feeling selfish, strange things happened.

First, I thank everyone who commented on that post – your support and kind words meant the world to me.

Strange thing is that today one of my family members experienced a very serious accident and another family member helped them return from near-death. I am serious.

My guilt of not being with my family amplified as a result.

I think life is trying to say something.

Do we have the right to prioritize ourselves and our well being? Is it selfish?

These are honest questions:

Do we have the right to prioritize ourselves and our well being? Is it selfish?

I have been trying hard to feel good, especially about myself and my life. My last 20 years in North America and many years prior to that at home, I always worked towards ending this frequent feeling of “feeling like shit”, “fear/anxiety”, “financial and other insecurities”, and “low self-esteem”. I naturally kept studying and working to keep my mind occupied with these so that I would not think about the existential thoughts. I felt better as a result, however randomly. The trap is that studying and working, especially in my highly competitive field with high failure rate and with rapid deadlines, also mean stress and feeling like shit again, experiencing anxiety, insecurities, and low self-esteem due to high competition and failure rate.

So, what is this all about?

Entire story sounds like delusion to me.

————————————————————————————————————————

I have been in North America for nearly 20 years now. I left my home-country, my family, and my friends for work, and then stayed. I like the safe and relatively peaceful atmosphere of Canada particularly, even though the economic situations are straining me and my work place is getting more and more toxic especially lately, but it is alright here. And I know that despite occasional racist and discriminative treatment here and there (which really annoys and is so wrong), I believe I feel much better here in Canada than I would somewhere else.

Being away from home and family is never easy. Home is home and family is the most important thing in life. Yet, when being with family and your well-being do not go side-by-side, what do you do? Emotionally, I want to go back, but logically I know this is not the right decision, at least for now. So I stay and I refuse the demands from my family to go back.

I am not convinced that I can survive mentally there, not unless I changed the way I think and deal with things in a more healthy way. Otherwise, I see myself easily in more anxiety, stress, and depression. Who can benefit or be happy with this? Neither me nor my family. I cannot get my family understand this. They think that I can earn much more money, have less stress and issues that I experience or may experience, and feel better there with the support of my family. I do not buy this. I cannot buy this.

————————————————————————————————————————

So, my family needs me, yet by prioritizing myself and my well-being, I deny them the help (financial or emotional) they expect from me. This naturally creates conflicts and lots of negative emotions and encounters between me and my family.

Tell me; how selfish am I to do this? Keeping myself rather in a stable and peaceful place that I believe is better for my mental health at the expense of abandoning my family except seeing them annually for a month or so, calling them every off-day, and financially helping them when they need it most?

I believe it is selfish. That is why I feel like shit as well.

As I said, the entire story looks delusional.

 

 

 

What comes first? Me, me, me, or my wellness?

It has been somehow stressful day; I have so much to do! 🙂

Yet, I also felt like I could use my time better and I could award myself for doing well as well. This is really lovely – I think I have started to support and value my efforts a little bit better. Self-care is here 🙂

One thing I am doing this week is to cancel showing up in events that celebrate the achievements of my team members. It was a hard decision to make, but I am glad I have as it gives me the much needed time. It is a first too. I talk to my team members and they understand the reasons well as well. I would think this was selfish, but maybe I should be a little bit. In order to protect my time and reduce my stress levels created by the lack of time to recuperate.

I have been to my counseling session yesterday. I talked for 40 minutes. How lovely 🙂 Was I reserved? I was. But I also talked. I did not get a huge number of new thoughts/realizations out of the session that I did not already know -main points were:  mental health is important; I worry all the time; I am not interested in getting medication for anxiety or depression unless it is the last resort; I am close to burn out because of the intense work and stress (my counselor’s assessment); I must eat better; and I must exercise. And, time to care for myself – physically and mentally.

It is always good to hear from someone else that I must care for myself. This makes me feel supported in my decisions to not attend extra events this week and the weeks to come. This does not mean that I come first all the time, under all conditions – that would be selfishness and being self-oriented. It means my wellness should come first.

I like that.

Art Doodle GIF by Chibird - Find & Share on GIPHY

—————————————

gif by:https://giphy.com/gifs/art-cute-okay-3oxHQjb3brk6dOWBGg

                                                                           

 

appliying for a job

I am feeling optimistic nowadays, which is awesome.

You know what I will do soon? I will apply for a job that I thought was suitable to me and is meaningful and challenging at the same time. 

I had saved the link to this job ad for some time and today I started drafting the application letter. 

I am not 100% sure that this is what I want to do; maybe things would change here and I would feel better with some change/some people leaving. But then maybe the fiscal situation would only go worse, and with that many other things like the way we run our organization, our work-loads, and the pressure on us – who knows? Seriously.

I feel obliged to trainees that I have recruited and believe that they are the only thing that can keep me here even if they offered me the said job opportunity….. Or, maybe I would talk to them and get them new places within the institution so that I could free myself from them and leave for the new job… I do not know.

This is an example of classical dilemma of being responsible for others versus being responsible for yourself – you can never know which one is better and always feel selfish if you choose to be responsible towards yourself, even though your primary responsibility is your own well being and happiness. Right?

Right…

Food GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Seriously – what if I am offered this job and also like what they get to offer and decide to leave my position here? How soon can I leave here? Would I really do this? How would I do this? Oh, boy – it must be a really great job to be able to leave my job here…. Unless of course, something awful occurs on top of everything and acts as the last drop to help me end my bond with (and suffering) here…

I know it is too early to think about all of these because I did not even apply yet and there is no guarantee that I will be even selected for an interview, let alone be offered the job, but I cannot keep trying myself with the future possibilities. It is good to know that I still have some kind of faith for my current work-place, care about my team members, and am hopeful that a positive change can occur. At the same time I should also be cautious about the possibility of issues increasing over time and the low self-esteem this position/institution left in me.

I think I will go and make this application mostly because I am eager to know whether I can get this great job. If I cannot get it, I will not get lost, but if I get it, then my confidence will be higher.

It is worth it.

Identity GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

gifs by:https://giphy.com/gifs/animals-being-jerks-YqdWzX5r6SYZW;https://giphy.com/gifs/body-positivity-ashley-graham-posi-l0HlH3PTYdqBNOks8

loving ourselves, loving others

I am not the only one who left a loved one behind, not being there when they needed us, or betrayed/disappointed them over own wellness, convenience, or happiness.

What does it mean to prioritize our best interests over others’?

Does that mean we are selfish? Loving ourselves more than others? Is it a survival instinct? Knowing what we are capable of and what not? Not caring much? Not loving others enough? What is it really?

I do not know.

There is a cost of loving others; whether they are people or animals. When they are sick, sad, down, or death, it breaks us…..

Does that mean we should not love?

No.

Is there a cost to others if we prioritize ourselves over them? Certainly.

Should that mean we should not love ourselves?

No.

Life is very strange.

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

——————————————

The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

——————————————

That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

——————————–

Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

———————————-

I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

———————————-

Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

random thoughts

There is so much problem, violence, war/conflict, and pain in the world that sometimes these feelings override the joy I have in my life.

We have the right to feel good about ourselves and our lives – yet this is so much dependent on others’ feeling and lives.

If you can be happy for someone else and if you can cry for someone else, then you know what I mean. The more we care, the more heavily we feel their emotions.

Depression comes so easily when negative things happen. Should I feel bad about myself if I try to keep myself up in the presence of all the depressing news and experiences? When I am safe and sound? When I have what others need most? When I have the energy to keep going? I have no answer to these.

I am so looking forward to a world where all is safe and conflicts are resolved by working on them rather than by guns, suppression, violence, or humiliation; when one’s interest did not mean to hurt, eliminate, or suppress the other’s; when we all realize whatever happens to someone else somehow affects us, whether positive or negative.

Peace.

The life in the diary – XVI

Fiction

———————————————————————–

May 6, 2013

I am feeling a little bit better today.

I had a nice walk around the beaches area. To me it is a small, lovely village in a big, big city. What a nice change of atmosphere in such a short distance.

I walked around the beach, sat on a bench for an hour so, ate a hot-dog and drank my tea. Yep, I have got a hot-dog; not necessarily the best food in the world 🙂 I feel like compensating for this by drinking the tea; a nice hot cup of papaya and mango tea. It smelt so good that I had to close my eyes for a second and enjoy that feeling entirely. That moment felt good… I am pleased to have delightful moments. However transient they may be….

I think feeling the sun on my skin cheered me up today. What is it about the sunlight that is so energizing, so nourishing? Science says it must be the hormones that are regulated by the sunlight. And maybe it is the vitamin D my skin cells produce when exposed to sun light?

Vitamin D… That brings to my mind the recurring question – I do not know what to do about the supplements. Should I take them? Should I not? Some scientific studies suggest that they are useful. But then the regulatory institutions/organizations say that it is premature to make a definite conclusion about the health benefits of many supplements. All these internet sites that promote them, all the people they say they benefit from them. Whom to trust? What to do? I feel stuck at a corner. What if they are useful? What if I am missing something by not taking them? Or, what if taking them would not benefit me, worse yet, harm my body? What if I would think it was fine to eat whatever I want as long as I take the supplements, as I would believe they would do all the good? No, I m skeptical. Way too skeptical…

That is so tiring…. Trying to make decisions fast, many all at the same time. Considering cons and pros of all these things that are new to me, new to my life. I am in a constant rush, carrying with me a heavy load of impatience. That stresses me;  the more hurriedly my mind tries to make a decision, the darker my psyche gets; I feel unhappy, confused, inefficient.. My shoulders sink – I do not want these feelings. To run away from them, I get up and walk away from the bench.

I love seeing the families with children, parents, and dogs; they are busy enjoying this beautiful spring day. That feeling eventually turns into resentment, though. Why can I not enjoy my life? Why was I denied this?

What is more unfair I wonder; to get cancer, or to get frustrated by others’ happiness, health, and joy?

I am very close to hating myself for this ever-expanding selfishness. I gotta remind myself that not everything is about me.

But then it is; is it not?

————————————————-

The life in the diary – XVI

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: