Awkwardness

My mom is still sick and she needed to go to an ER to get some serious care today. She is still waiting in the ER. After more than 12 hours, and all alone, as the hospitals are working on full capacity.

I am not sure which one I am more angry at: COVID-19 pandemic policies, or those who refrained from believing this pandemic’s seriousness, did not mask or vaccinate. You all have blood on your hands. There I said it.

I also have a strong dislike and confusion toward myself. Since the news broke, I have cried a few times. But I am unable to feel much sadness and sorrow expected from a loving and immensely loved daughter.

I keep asking myself, WTF is wrong with me?

I am likely gonna lose my mom to an unknown medical condition, as we were not able to find a suitable hospital in the last few weeks. She is strong and resilient, but she is not in good shape. How long can you go against the ocean’s tides?

And, WTF don’t I feel much? Do I not love and care about my mom? Did my father’s passing prepared us to death? Is it the anti-depressants I do take? Is it my foster cat Mona that gives me unconditional love and joy, no matter what? Is it work that keeps me busy? Am I just a self-absorbed shit? Have I detached from the reality? AM I repressing my emotions?

Or, are these all an illusion, and when the time comes, will I break into two? Perhaps I am denying the situation? Perhaps I am still hopeful.

Does not matter.

I cannot understand myself.

If there is any positive out of this, it is the fact that I find myself supporting my family members in an unexpected way. See, I am the youngest, so they always provided support to me. This time, I am the one who gives hope, different perspectives, and appreciation for their efforts.

Still.

I must feel like shit. Yet, I do not.

Curious about the future days.

While I cannot decide, I can nevertheless assess

Pertaining to my last post, I have been taking steps to see the feasibility of a short trip home to see my mom. I really want to see her and I think it would also increase her morale. I talked to my boss and got a compassionate response, I worked hard to finish urgent work matters, and arranged for a covid test that may be needed to board the plane. I have a list of things to do before I leave and things to pack with me.

I am ready to purchase my ticket.

Goodness knows starting to take these steps was a hard one. I know from my anxiety past that making a decision that can change the life for ever is hard and sometimes paralyzing as well. I was more functional as I took one step for the trip. I cannot explain it, but I think I was just too overwhelmed by all the things I must do for leaving Canada and entering my home country, and then coming back. Damn pandemic…….

Anyways, I talked to my siblings today and while they recognize my wish to see my mom, they also recognize that it could be of little help. I have been contemplating about this – my thinking shifted after this.

What is best for my mom?

When I think about this, my thoughts get clearer. It is not about me, but my mom and my siblings who are caring for my mom now. What is good for them? Is my wish to see my mom more important than my mom’s wellness and treatment?

Certainly not. We may be looking for a short disease or a long one. We may lose her soon, or she may recover. I may regret not seeing her in the first case. But, what if instead of seeing her I focus on what is best for her?

See, I think what is good for her is getting the best medical care possible and comfortable life. My siblings will be burnt out soon, so their comfort is also important. I can spend a week traveling, or I can use the efforts and energy (and funds) it has been taking to make a decision and have the trip to their benefits.

Evey minute is a new opportunity to realize and feel. I think now that the most logical thing is to think about their wellness (but not my emotions). While I like this rational thinking, I know from my past experience that tomorrow, I may feel differently, and may want to go again. So one day at a time…. If this is the right decision, then, it will be stable over days. We shall see, my friends.

I feel like a parent making the right decision, not the emotional one, for their kids while they are growing. I do not have kids, but I think this is what it is.

We wanted to be brave, but we were not

My mom is sick. She suddenly became ill and has not been getting better. We hope that she will see a really good doc in the coming days and will find some relief.

My minds does all the tricks. It is as if I either accepted the fact that she will be gone soon, or there is nothing wrong with her. Neither of them are evidenced, but this is the reason I hate my reasoning so much nowadays. It is as if, I do not care.

But that is not true, either. I do care. She is my mom. She is the only person who treated me well.

So, why are my emotions so frozen? I wonder whether it is a trauma caused by the thought of losing my mom; the antidepressants I take; or the fact that my dad’s death 5 years ago prepared me for death of yet another loved one.

I wanted to explore life and overcome challenges. I wanted to have a life and have a job here in Canada, but not in my home country. I built a life I was more or less content with. I was, this year, finally feeling good, with the introduction of my foster cat and antidepressants to my life. I was brave when I was young, then got scared (aka anxiety), and I could not be brave enough to solve my problems with my family and build a life there.

I am sorry that I have not spent more time and be with her when she needs me most. I am also ashamed that I lost my courage in life, thanks to traumatizing events and anxiety, and could not fix these issues earlier in life.

I am just dropping these thoughts here to let it go.

Please do not leave any comments. I know you will be supportive.

But right now, I need to face my emotions as they are.

COVID-19, April 1

So, Spring is here!

My, my, my..

It should be feeling great, but with what is going on with the pandemic, the sad sorrow and fear it creates, it is hard to get excited about the Spring.

Are we getting depressed?

Sort of…

……….

Maybe just depressive, not depressed.

……….

Let’s keep our chin and hopes high, friends. It is a strange time, but we are going through it.

Brighter days to come.

 

all the not so good things

Life is not all about feeling the positive, right?

Sometimes we must also face the sad, negative side of it.

Especially if it relates to people we care about.

Looks like my great uncle has been diagnosed with cancer. He will visit a specialist this week.

It broke my heart as he has been an important figure in my life. But I also know that he will be fine – he is in good health otherwise and has no other comorbidity. My family is experienced with cancer diagnosis and treatment, so is providing support, information, and access to specialists.

However, I also have a family member who has psychological issues when it comes to cancer and cannot handle this well . She supports my uncle and his family, but she is bored and down. Hope she will find a way to move to a better mental state soon.

I am here and away, and cannot do much other than thinking about and calling people.

Life is… well, life is brutal sometimes.

I am positive that my uncle will thwart this off with proper medical care. I am grateful for feeling this way and believing this full-heartedly.

time to really prioritize myself and my well-being

I have not written here for some time.

I took some kind of break from internet for a while so that I could rather read inspirational books and analyze my feelings by writing on my worry journal.

It all started with a two-days I took off work – my first time in my entire career that I used my vacation time to focus on myself and rest. This is 25 years of work, my friends. All other times I used my vacation time to visit family or friends (where are they now?)

In that two days, I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do – reading books, sitting at a cafe, ordering meal, shopping, reflecting.. Just about anything but working!  It was good. I did not check my emails during this time, which was a miracle, by the way.  I still try not to check the work emails in the evenings and at the weekend. I also try not to work at home and generally take things easy.

But I am also angry with anything that bothers me, and I think my blood pressure increases time to time in such a way that it is alarming me. Deep down I think I am also depressed. I do not know friends – I feel a lot of things nowadays and I think I should really prioritize myself and care about my body and mind, and I should let go off any past or current issues or negative feelings to feel okay.

Honestly, the other day while I was having elevated blood pressure (I think that is what it was)  I just felt that I could as well die at that moment and I would not even care.

This is scary.

On the good side, since I have started the worry journal practice, my anxiety is manageable.

This is priceless.

 

joy journal – May 23, 2017

1. I am grateful for feeling better today. I have been feeling like all my muscles were aching since Saturday. Yesterday it was really bad, so I came home early from work and took a healing nap. I am feeling much better now, which is great 🙂

2. I am grateful for eating peanut butter, which I really love, and bean salad, which I really love too!

3. I am grateful for walking in the morning and in the evening despite feeling tired – good job 🙂

4. I am grateful for having a healthy appetite – I am not that sick after all!

5. I am grateful for working quite well today. I am prioritizing my own work needs over others’ now, which is great. 

6. I am grateful for having a relaxing evening and night. It is soothing to know that I do not have to do anything, but relax, rest, and enjoy 🙂

7. I am grateful for watching a movie about an old man who rather than undergoing a second heart operation decides to die by assisted suicide. I have no personal opinion about this topic; but it must be a hard decision to make for many considering the social, moral, and other reasons re; life, death, and suicide. This is the second movie I have watched tackling the same topic lately. It does not make it easy to contemplate on this topic, but seeing why such a decision can be made is interesting. The story line is that a good life matters. Not wanting to live anymore, too… How strange, how controversial (for me, at least), and how true for many.

8. I am grateful for taking the pictures of my breads 🙂 Did you know that whenever I look at their pictures, I am filled with excitement and pride? 🙂 

9. I am grateful for choosing to focus on positivity rather than negativity today and tomorrow and hopefully the days after that…

10. I am grateful for the well being of my family and myself. 

11. I am grateful for the furniture and everything else I have in my house – they make my life easy and comfy.

12. I am grateful for today being a #no-expense day 🙂 I hope to each my biweekly saving target this Thursday 🙂 This will make me feel extra motivated to keep going.

13. I am grateful for being grateful and taking my time to write these today.

 

Birthdays, middle age, and reflections

It will be my birthday soon.

As usual I do not plan to have something special that day. I used to have birthday parties with family and friends when I was young. Since I am away from my family, that tradition has long gone. One of my friends insists that i do something, even a little cake for myself, to take note of my birthday. Maybe I will..

When I was young, the age I am becoming now would terrify me. I would say it was too old and I could never imagine myself reaching that age. I hope I did not give the message of “please die prior to that age” message to my subconsciousness; I have no interest in dying now. As a matter of fact I just feel like I started living.

I am middle aged now and probably missed a couple of life’s opportunities, like having a kid. I am not sorry for this. For some reason, I was never interested in that. Maybe I never realized how fast the life goes on. This is a possibility. But other than that I feel like I have become more experienced with dealing life’s ups and downs and this gives me some kind of peace.

I have been reflecting for some time about my life so far, how I feel about the age, and my future plans and wishes. I continue to have no long – term plans, interestingly. I have some wishes, of course, like to live a long life safe and without chronic or serious diseases. The only thing that terrifies me about aging is getting incapacitated or suffering from a serious disease. After all, I live alone and it looks like I will keep it this way till the end.

I am not bragging about living alone. It may be hard to keep up with work and life and all the responsibilities by myself, but I guess I proved it long time ago that more or less I handle it. Of course there are hard, trying times, I make mistakes or fail. But then who does not?

I also wish to visit South America one day. This has been a recurring wish for me for quite some time. I had written about this and other wishes here. I have no idea why so far I have not taken steps to do so.

There are other things in that list, which I still keep being interested in. My wish to have a cat continues, even after I had to return back the lovely cat I adopted; I will try fostering cats for short times. Less responsibility for me and possibly a good chance for these lovely creatures.

I continue to work on my financial health and plans, including paying off my mortgage.

I may as well get that black dress sometime soon, if I continue to lose weight. I have lost my appetite for the last 6 months or so, and I have been losing weight slowly. I am kind of anxious that this may as well be a sign of a disease, but I sure hope I am wrong.

Overall, I have had an interesting life, not necessarily a happy life, but a very interesting one. It is my sincere wish that life will continue to amaze me, drive me to new and exciting territories, make me a better and wiser person, and bring me more joy and happiness 🙂

 

 

 

 

what was love for me?

I have no answer to that.

The fact that I have decided not to adopt the cat that I have loved, touched, hugged, and admired (seriously did) only because of its dental problems that showed up at a young age (suggesting a serious problem that will need me to handle in future too, emotionally and financially), I must actually question this very hard.

After all, I too show a behavior of preferring those who are healthy, or have been healthy, over those who have not been, to love, to care for, and to make a part of my life. I know many people who would be hesitant/reject the idea of marrying others who have family history of heart problems or cancer, for example. How is that sensible? Is this not ridiculous?

Has this not been a behavior that disgusted me much in the past? Did I not say that that was discrimination and equally offensive, insensitivity and short-sightedness towards those who have gone thru much already? After all, every living being deserves to be loved, regardless of their conditions.

Who says that we all are healthy and, most importantly, will remain healthy?

Who says we will not make extra effort, emotionally and financially, for others we love in our lives?

Who says that I will not be that person who will be sick or require extra care and effort?

Where is my consciousness? Where is my mind? Where are my values now?

What makes me think that a healthier cat today will not get seriously sick next day and give me the same trouble I would have with the cat I liked but denied to adopt today?

probabilities. reality. emotions. thoughts. calculations……

All internal conflict – that is what I am going thru tonite.

Conflict over my decision.

Conflict about love.

Conflict over myself.

Tonite is a hard night indeed. I admit I cried for that cat and seriously is hating myself time to time.

I gotta be realistic.

I gotta bury my emotions, right?

Right.

But since I am questioning a much bigger concept, love, this does not seem to be possible.

Love, after all, is an emotion. And a very important one.

How can we deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or we think they will give us more trouble over time?

How can I do that myself ????

How can I deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or I think they will give me more trouble over time ????

……

I really do not like myself right now.

 

joy journal – May 2, 2016

Time to remember and acknowledge all the great things that made me excited, happy, and grateful 🙂

1. I am grateful for the good night sleep.

2. I am grateful for deciding to walk in the morning. It is always fascinating to see that I have energy in the mornings. I have suffered from low energy for many years. Since last Fall, this has changed as my doctor put me on iron and vitamin D supplements. Did the wonders for me. This has been long waited for and by all means well deserved. I am very happy and excited about this.

3. I am grateful for the nice weather today. I substituted my winter coat with a trench coat today. Overall, the weekly daytime temperature forecast are not bad. I love Spring 🙂

4. I am grateful for the coffee I brewed in the office. It is always a delight to be able to have coffee whenever I want.

5. I am grateful for the productive work today. Feeling this satisfaction is really great.

6. I am grateful for getting invited to a professional event today. This kind of invitations are a sign of recognition. Feeling humbled and also excited 🙂

7. I am grateful for walking back home from the office and enjoying my walk. I wanted to walk longer and sweat a little bit; I must come up with a longer route to walk.

8. I am grateful for doing my back exercises and also working my arms and triceps.

9. I am grateful for binge-watching a TV series.

10. I am grateful for not eating too much for dinner. I think I munched too much at the office and that is why I did not feel like eating a lot tonite. That is good as I have eaten quite unhealthy at the weekend and gained some pounds right away. I want them gone.

11. I am grateful for drinking a tall glass of milk this evening. I have drunk yesterday too, which is awesome. Milk is the one where I have got my calcium and vit D, in addition to supplements. I know that it is helping my body, my bones, and my energy levels. I am very grateful for those animals who produced it, the farmers who gathered it, the trucks that transported it, and the store that sold it to me.

12. I am grateful for not using my eye glasses this evening. I have had a habit of putting them on while I work, browse internet, read books, write stuff, or watch TV. It is tiring for my eyes. I should not be using the glasses all the time; this is what my eye doctor had recommended, too.

13. I am grateful for corresponding with a previous mentor of mine. He is a very successful person, but is hit hard with multiple medical problems. He is still young but I keep hope that he will recover soon. Another mentor of mine died quite young unexpectedly, which always makes me nervous. I am approaching that age, too…. I wonder whether our line of work has a higher stress levels and thus makes us prone to sickness? I wish to live long and happy and healthy. Remembering the passing of one and the multiple sickness of the other reminded me again to relax and not to take this work so serious. There is life outside the work. There is life everywhere. I just need to claim my own portion full of opportunities, enjoyment, love, and relaxation.

14. I am grateful for being safe and sound.

15. I am grateful for being grateful.

today’s bits

I have pulled a muscle at my lower back and I have been having extraordinary feelings/experiences about this.

First of all, for the first time I found it very difficult, almost impossible, to get out of bed and go down to the the first floor to get my pain medication. This was yesterday and it was scary. I for the first time thought about maybe I would have to stay in my bedroom for ever or something like that…..Living alone brings this kind of thoughts I am afraid.

Well, after 20 min of struggle, with lots of pain, trial and error to find the right angle of movement without locking my back or increasing the pain, I finally made it to the 1st floor and my pain medications. It helps and limits the pain – which is useful in terms of mobility (I am very grateful).

Then come the hard decision of what to do: take the cab or walk to the emergency?

I decided to go to emergency because this was nothing like I knew, even though I have had lower back problems/pulled muscles in the past. I decided I did not have to go thru the pain all by myself. Seeing that I was not able to kneel or sit, I decided to walk. Luckily the hospital is 10 min away from here.

I could walk up, changed my pajamas and put on my boots, walked to the hospital, waited like 30 min, cared by a lovely doctor, got my shot for pain and prescription, and walked back to pharmacy and home. The medication consists of painkiller and a muscle relaxant. I was also recommended to  follow up with my doctor; there may be some nerve problems I was told. Arghh..

I am literally wishing to go to office while I am here at home. I am not supposed to go to work for the rest of the week, but I am telling you; this is boring. Yes, I still work on my computer (which is going very well by the way) and coordinate with my team members through emails, but I am seriously bored. I just wished (what a twisted wish that is, by the way) that this has happened in December, when I was very tired – I would appreciate being at home then. After the refreshing holidays, all I want now is to go to office and work for long hours….

Anyways, I should not be complaining about these now. My back is better, walking and light stretching helps, sitting is not a big problem, but lying on the couch or bed are scary (as I may not be able to get up again if my back feels like it); so here I am; sitting on a chair for the entire day 🙂

I missed sitting on my couch, snugging up with my blanket, and surfing on the net or watching TV. But again, I should not be complaining.

The funny thing is that the yoga classes were going so well, so relaxing. I sure was feeling relaxation on my lower back, though on monday class, I had thought my upper body (shoulders) needed quite a stretch; they were very tight. I had thought “while one region of my body relaxes, the other one tightens up – I should not have made the assumption that a week’s full of yoga classes would solve all my problems”. I also happen to have some realizations during each session – that day I have had “connecting with my body” in my mind.

I was right 🙂

The same night, I pulled the muscle at my back while picking up something from the floor. Maybe the lesson I should see was to have a healthy life style and good posture no matter how much yoga stretching classes I attend; one thing cannot be the magic solution to everything. I am thankful that my body has showed me that with my recent back problem… I will support my back while at home; especially while sitting on the couch. Since it is soft, sitting long hours on the couch actually is not good for my spine… gotta fix that. I cannot make it worse than what it already is.

Ah… Life is funny 🙂

 

Despite all the negativities, I am grateful for realizing these lessons,  being able to move around, having painkillers at home, and the hospital and pharmacy being so closed to my home. I am also thankful to the doctor who cared for me and the nurse who gave me the shot, saying she knew how painful that must be… Empathy is an awesome thing and nurses for sure rock!

 

The life in the diary – XVIII

Fiction
———————————————————————–
May 12, 2013 (cont’d)

Today, I am feeling the heaviness that follows the realization of having lost a whole part of my body.

I have lost a whole part of my body….

What had they said when I was first diagnosed? “it is quite likely that it is only a part of it is affected; we will only take this part and leave the rest so that you can have a functional gland, however partially.”

I had felt good about this; knowing that I would not give up on the whole thing. I would not lose it altogether.

Now, there is none of it.

A part of me which served me well for a very long time. A part of me that has been separated from me in cold blood, examined in a damp, formaldehyde smelling laboratory, dissected and stained in I do not know how many different ways, parts of which were put in a biological waste bin, only to be incinerated later at an unknown place to me. Twice for that matter…Twice..

Twice I said goodbye to a part of me.

I am sure with no care or love it was handled. Maybe the pathologists said “There, another piece of specimen. Let me finish this and then meet with my friends this evening. Cannot wait..” Thinking about this me makes me sob more violently.

Poor thing… After all these years being a part of me and doing a miraculous job, it developed sickness and it is gone.

It made me sick, too.

Should I hate it?

Hate is a stronger feeling than love, but no, I can not hate it.

No matter how many times I think about blaming it for my disease; for feeling like my body betrayed me; for feeling frightened and saddened about the darkness and pain I endure or for the anxiety caused by thought of what the future may bring to me; or how victimized I feel knowing that I now was literally a damaged goods, no, blame did not play well. These made me frightened and sad, but I never, not even once, felt blame towards it.

I rather blame myself.

For losing it.

——————-—-
The life in the diary – XVIII
All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

Wren

poem

———————

he looked in a way that
only she would understand
it was quiet and painful..
smiles were dead, silence was hurtful
pain drilled her eyes
heading low, sinking towards
all the pain
they have gone thru
this one she not knew
eye lids closed, cheeks cold
she just wished he had told
his reasons for giving up
words could have been forgotten
but silence.. no it cannot be forsaken…
she dreamed for heartlessness
whatever breath left with her
she walked away, dull and worthless
she wished he had
looked up and said
“goodbye sweetheart”
to ease her demise
no… but… no…
she turned around disbelieving
he was lying on the bed
his head turned to right
watching the wren on the window trim
as it pecked lovingly with the sun beam
———————
All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

joy journal – Oct 15, 2015

joy 🙂

happiness 🙂

joy 🙂

here is today’s list (try your list; trust me it does not come easy at first, but then one starts to realize how many joyful, happy, or positive experiences we actually have every single day. You may as well surprise yourself 🙂 ).

1. I am grateful for getting up early; before 8 am. This is early for me 🙂 I was not sure whether my favorite coffee was open, but decided to try my chances.

2. I am grateful for finding the cafe open, ordering and having my bagel and coffee, while also working on my laptop. I also found a chance to chat with the lovely manager I know there. She is always smiling and always so positive; It is a blessing to be around her and feel the positivity 🙂

3. I am grateful for working at home, efficiently I must say. It is one of these days that I worked really well. Because of the multiple work-related trips I must make this month, I have been time-wise constrained for some time now. I feel the stress but then I take care of the stuff, too. yesterday I finished something important and submitted it to the department. And this morning, I worked on an atypical presentation and got feedback from one of my colleagues; it looks good 🙂

4. I am grateful for today being the day I have the new cable plan that saves me around $40/month. How great is that! 🙂

5. I am grateful for getting my blood test results; everything is fine, even the blood sugar levels (yay!), but I seem to have iron-deficiency. I am really happy about the blood sugar results. I was so scared of it since the last test when it was alarmingly borderline. Now it is not and I know with my exercise and healthy diet strategy, I can even make it better. I am so grateful and excited that I promised myself to look after my body even much better. I hope to start stretching sometime as well as weight-lifting. I will also look for additional ways to nourish my body.

6. I am grateful for my body that keeps up with everything so well, so healthy 🙂

7. I am grateful for walking quite a bit this afternoon. I have had a couple of errands to take care of. All went well and I walked around 1.5 hours 🙂 I sometime try to notice how fast I can walk and I am glad to see I can walk quite fast. For my age, that is pretty good. I am not that old yet! 🙂

8. I am grateful that I did not go and eat at a Mexican restaurant on the way, even though I was a little bit hungry. Do not get me wrong; its food is awesome! But I saw myself all stuffed, not wanting to walk, and calling for a cab for a ride back to home if I had dined there…. Too much of a hassle…. I decided I could as well go home and eat as I please there. Well done 🙂

9. I am grateful for shopping this afternoon. I did not need a lot of stuff, as my fridge is still full. But I needed my fruits. I also bought a number of items on sale (yogurt is being one of them; I love yogurt) that I can preserve in my fridge for sometime for future consumption.

10. I am grateful for buying and eating carrots. I have not had them for a long time, even though they are supposedly very healthy. One of the reasons was their low glycemic index (GI) score. I am still not interested in eating them too much, but every once a while or in small quantities they are okay.

11. I am grateful for not cooking today; the left overs form yesterday were enough as the meal.

12. I am grateful for my couch, pillows, and the blanket that make me feel pampered and comfy. They make me feel like “Life is good; why should it not? I have food in my stomach, a roof above my head, health, a beautiful job, plans and hope for the future.”. I am so glad I have many pampering stuff in my life 🙂

13. I am grateful that even though I have cold, I am okay – no fatigue or low energy levels. Runny nose and sneezing are a little bit annoying, but they will go away in a couple of days. So, no worries.

14. I am grateful for tomorrow being a friday. I have a 3pm meeting that I know will last at least 1.5 hours. I do not wish to attend this meeting, at least entirely. I guess I will come home early and take a rest, or work. Friday late afternoon meetings are never a good idea.

15. I am grateful for listening to the “do you love me” by The Contours; such a cheerful song 🙂

16. I am grateful for bread not being an important food in my life anymore. I still like it and it is very nutritious, yet you know my story; I love it and would eat a lot of it every day. Now, this love has subsidized, together with my love for the bagels. I am not threatened by their availability or by eating a small amount.

17. I am grateful for the milk I am drinking right now. I know it is good for my bones and immune system.

18. I am grateful for the doctors and the field of medicine.

19. I am grateful for being grateful 🙂

Fiction bits – III

Fiction bits

——————————————————————

The room was silent and certainly depressing. I wasn’t sure whether our presence made it better or just worse.

She came in hesitantly. When he saw her, he broke a smile first. Then, his eyes turned dark…. She left silently.

Nurses came; we nervously watched him moved to the OR.

I saw her facing the window in the hall; her face was still emotionless.

I got furious, but stopped abruptly as I came close.

Her face was still, she didn’t even blink, but tears were streaming from her eyes down to neck. Crystal-like drops. Like diamonds.

Inside, she was shattered.

The Wren, Sept 23, 2015

——————————————–

Fiction bits – III

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

The life in the diary – XV

Fiction

———————————————————————–

May 5, 2013

It has been a month that I finally left the hospital. I had a hard time leaving the unit and coming back to my home.

I still am not content with living in my flat. Nope. There is no one to chat here, no one to bring the meal, no one to ask how I am. No one to care about my body.

I feel lonely at home.

It is almost spring. I try to push away the negative thoughts. The harder I try, the bigger they get though. I almost hate my mind for doing this.

It is strange that I feel like I have “two me, two minds”; one is protective of my body that I should care. This mind of mine would do anything to protect my body from that disease. I would eat the best meal, do the best exercise, take the deepest breath, visit the best doctor I can get.

Then, I have my other mind that does all the tricks to divert me. It is selfish and certainly egoistic. It says “I am tired” when I want to walk; “let’s eat fried chicken” when I want to eat a nourishing meal. I am so confused about these duality – am I losing my mind? Will I have to add a therapist to my list of doctors soon?

Who would know a disease could do these to a young woman at the peak of her career, energy, and youth? I had hopes, plans for my future. I was confident, happy, smiling, and laughing. Now all left from me is someone who just calculates every single activity around whether it is good for her body or not. I constantly remind myself how fragile I am.. This is scary, demoralizing, so oppressive….

On top of that, when the selfish mind is around, it becomes much harder. I am on a constant battle to help heal, help protect my body. The majority of the time, I fail in doing so. The majority of the time I force myself to start all over. “Tomorrow it will be fine. Next time I will do better.” I say. But that “tomorrow” does not come and stay for long.  It is an endless, furious battle. What if I completely lose my battle with my selfish mind one day? What if I do not heal completely as a result? I am so running out of confidence. I am so running out of energy.

I feel weak.

Heal my body, heal.

Help my mind, help.

——————————————————————-

The life in the diary – XV

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

The life in the diary – VI

Fiction

——————————————————————————————————–

February 8, 2013

It is beautiful outside – the snow slowly painting the streets, top of the cars, the roofs. The red coloured brick house across from the window looks like a famous painting; the mesh of all these colours captivated me. The sight is certainly a must see. The residents on the 7th floor casually walking in the living room, preparing the table for dinner. A nice family of four. I have not noticed anything unpeaceful in their behaviour. Parents are loving and lovely; kids are cheerful and excited. Normal pace of life – nothing rushful. Wishing these family the best; watching them gave me peace. And hope. For some reason.

I feel safe here; away from the life I have had outside. The work, the house chores, people, whatever stressed me out are non-existing here. More importantly none of these itsy-bitsy worries are here with me.

I feel peaceful.

Despite my pain, despite my health condition. I have had the break of my life. Thanks to this surgery.  Irony at maximus 🙂 Alas. I should be worried about the situation but for some reason I am not. I do not know, maybe it is “normal”; maybe this is how “normal” people feel and carry on their lives like. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Maybe not. Maybe my mind did just shut down; does not want to feel that existential worry. Or those other possibilities. Maybe, just maybe I am not supposed to cry. Maybe more than anything else, I just need to gather myself; tap into that strength I know I have, but is just battered too badly. Maybe it is what I am feeling right now? Can’t believe in this though…. I wish I did.

Life. What have you done to me?

Or was it me? I was brave once. Young and fearless. I was on top of the world, ready to conquer the life, for once and then all. I had the focus of a hunting lioness, the sharpness of an eagle, and the unprecedented power of the grizzly bear. I could handle anything in life; there was no unpassable hurdle for me.

Then I fell down. I just did. Do not ask why. Or how. It just happened and shattered all I had; the confidence, the focus, the strength. On top of that, I blamed myself for the fall. None went up again.

How could they? By constantly blaming and beating up myself, I mentally paralyzed myself. The child in me. The one who had the zest for life. I do not know whether I became an enemy of the life or myself.

If I am the enemy of myself, then I know how furious I can be and in turn how much I have endured from my own enmity.

Should I be proud of myself?

———————————————————————-

The life in the diary – VI

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

Freddie – you are carrying on

Man, what a song it is; Show Must Go On.

RIP Freddie – knew your vocalistic and artistic uniqueness but not the fact that this song was written for you while you were sick and you sang it when others thought it was not possible.”

I hardly get amazed to such an extent; your determination, ability, and hissing others’ concerns at the face of death Freddie – you nailed it.

You changed something in me today.

goodbyes

Yesterday I have read a blog where a terminally ill patient wrote a “goodbye” post after her treatment failed her and she entered into hospice care.

That goodbye post profoundly affected me in multiple ways. There are a couple of people whom I would not speak to (or they would not speak to me), whom I care about, whom I once loved but did not have a chance to make a good end to our relationships. Considering these, and also that our lives can end any time, I had a tough time yesterday.

If they were sick or dead, I would be saddened beyond their imagination. Knowing that there were things I wanted to say to clarify our interactions, apologies to make, questions to ask to understand them better, and one last hug to show that none of the things happened or did not happen in the past were important now. Knowing that we had no or little chance to do all of these, unless something drastic happens and unless we are given time and opportunity to do so. Knowing all of these hurt.

I loved these individuals more than they can imagine. I loved them deeply, as there was no end to my love for them, regardless of whatever or whoever they were or whatever had happened or had not happened between us.

I loved them timelessly, as not only one spring (where things are the most hopeful, positive, and lovely), but many years (with continuous cycle of different seasons, different grieving, reflections, and healing) passed while my feelings for them excited me, made me happy, and then tormented and emptied me.

I really loved them, as I know I would still love them if I had a chance to be with them, even it has been years or decades since I have last seen/talked to them.

Sickness and death are powerful in the sense that when we face them, then the little things do not matter any more. It becomes easy to forgive and forget all the things that helped our ego or our pain to keep us at an angry, cold, and resentful state.

It is important to say a proper goodbye, it is important to have and show compassion for each other while ending relationships. It is important to remember each other with a smile and warmness in the heart, rather than having the heaviness of negative feelings. I know they have compassion, I know I have, too. I also know neither me nor them will make a move any time soon to restore our compassion and kindness for each other.

Love you both.

breaking the routine – April 4, 2015

I talked to a pharmacist and based on my symptoms, she says I have flu.

Irony is that after 5-6 years, this year I had had the flu shot to get protected from it. Turns out it is not as effective as it was once assumed this year.

Ok – I have no problem with that; I know my body can fight this infection and help improve my immune system. So I am not complaining about fever, chills, muscle and headache, runny nose and sneezing. I am also not complaining about temporarily losing my taste buds; I could even eat sour kiwi fruit today. Or, lying/sitting on the couch, not doing what usually I would do. I am also not complaining about having 1-2 days off next week, until my symptoms disappear.

What other reason than having flu to break my routine? 🙂

stay well everybody.

flu or cold

I do not know which one I have; flu or cold, but it hit me good.

I am taking rest at home; only left for a breakfast in the morning. But in the last 10 hours or so, I am either lying on the couch or sitting and reading a book. TV is on, too.

I had chills a couple of hours ago, but now I have fever.. What would mom do? I take pain killer/fever medication every 4 hours and now I have a wet clothe on my forehead. Hoping to reduce the fever before the night.

will I be able to feel better and get out of the house tomorrow? I really hope so.

I need soup ASAP

It turned out that I have a cold.

I was pretty much okay till the last few hours, when my nose started running. A couple of days ago I was feeling cold, but did not think it was something serious. I should have known better, as my appetite has since been suppressed; this does not happen at all :).

Ok, so I will continue to sneeze, have runny nose and nasal congestion, feel headache, maybe have some weakness, drink a lot of liquids/soup, lie on my couch whole day, will not be able to meet with my friends, but I will go to the book store – yes, I will.

Oh, come on! I have been so excited about this long-weekend and the prospect of buying more books, now where did this cold come from? Where did I catch it? I have not been around a sick person, I have not been to an unusual situation/place. How come I got it?

Argh.. I do not know. Info on internet says the first 3 days I am contagious; that means from today till late Sunday.

Soup. I need soup ASAP.

joy journal – March 18, 2015

Here is today’s joy list 🙂

1. I am feeling alright today; I have been feeling better nowadays, which is great. Not sure whether I have a relax schedule this week and I can focus on work and take care of stuff without much stress, or was it the long-weekend that helped me relax. I am not sure, yet whatever it was, I am very much grateful for this feeling.

2. I am grateful for being well and sound, warm and sheltered. My thoughts are with those who lack these basic needs.

3. I am grateful for not getting a lot of snow today; we had flurries in the afternoon, but it did not continue after that. Everywhere is full of snow – there is no sidewalks visible. This was the heaviest dump of snow this year, which I hope will wash away soon by the help of rain (hope no ice will form after the rain though..)

4. I am grateful for my morning coffee! Always a delight 🙂

5. I am grateful for working fine today; I left the office late again. I had a trouble with one of the statistical programs we have been using. It seems the new version installed in the last few weeks has some problems. I called the company and they showed quite an interest to the problem and phoned/email me back several times to resolve. That feels good.

6. I am grateful for taking the bus this evening; despite the snow.

7. I am grateful for eating healthy. As a matter of fact, I think it was the healthiest meal I had in the last few months. Good job! 🙂

8. I am grateful for noticing once more that sometimes it is best I take a break prior to making a decision for a new issue. I gotta give my mind some room to evaluate things, to see the picture wholly…I am so fed up with fire-fighting with issues everyday that I just do not want to spend time with anything, just make a decision. Sometimes, though later I come up with better decisions. Mental note to self….

9. I am grateful for waking up on time this morning.

10. I am grateful for not having an early morning meeting tomorrow; I can go to bed late tonite and enjoy my time until then reading and watching TV.

11. I am grateful for the kindness I have seen from a stranger today. I may as well create similar experiences for others.

12. I am grateful for shovelling the front of my house a little bit this evening. I predict there will be more snow coming possibly tomorrow, and the already high snow banks around my door is not going to help at all. I actually suspect that these snow banks are getting harder to shovel, so when new snow dumps, it is not gonna be fun.. But I will see how it goes.

13. I am grateful that in two weeks, we will have another long-weekend. Great, great, great!!!

14. I am grateful that I am not sickened by stress, at least do not show some symptoms…. One of my colleagues had some health problems lately which she purely says because of stress… everybody I guess responds to stress differently. I am grateful that despite my stress, my system works just fine..

The life in the diary – III

Fiction

———————————————————————————————————-

January 29, 2013

I went to pre-surgery check up today. I am not a fan of these visits – they ask all bunch of questions, some of them I do not even have an answer. Do I have any allergy to medication? How would I know if I am allergic to something if I have not discovered it yet? I think they have to ask these questions, but it does not help really. I need answers myself. Sadly, nobody would give a concrete answer to what would happen to me; my doctor should know better, this visit is about the surgery. Fine. I will ask her when I am not shaky. In the mean time, they advise me to relax. Sure. Why not? And the usual advise, too; have someone to pick you up from the hospital – the general anaesthesia and the surgery can make you dizzy and weak – better someone gives you a hand. Sure. I did not tell them I did not plan to have anyone with me.

I should thank these pre-surgery visits actually – a little bit anger helps me to keep going. This appointment was better than the first time. I had felt like a victim at that time; now I seasoned. I know what to expect, what to feel.

I did not tell anyone yet about my ordeal – does my boss need to know? I am not ready to talk about it right now. The best thing I can do is to try to finish critical things as soon as possible, if I can, and then let the talking be done at the least unavoidable time. That is the best solution I have right now.

I have a surgery in 6 days – I better take care of the grocery shopping. I need to get slippers and a bed rob for the hospital stay, too. I wonder what happened to the rob I had purchased last time. Cannot remember it at home. I will walk pass the store I had bought them last time. If I am lucky, I can find new ones there. I admit despite all the emotional turbulence and the anxiety, there is something calming about shopping; I feel like I am taking care of myself.

Whether it is shopping, or I am extremely relieved to be out of the appointment, or am angry with the questions and all, I do not know what, but I feel a little bit strong walking. I keep telling myself “I will do my absolute best to support myself during these difficult times. Yes, I will. Watch me.”

Better said than done.

——————————————————————————————————-

The life in the diary – III

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

The life in the diary – II

Fiction

———————————————————————————————————-

January 26, 2013 – continued

I came home. As I predicted, yes I have cried as soon as I left my doctor’s office. There were people around, I am sure they knew why. I did not care – there is a sweet freedom in not caring what others think.

Yet I was shaky; eyes wet, feet dragging each other. I felt the need to distract, pamper myself. I think I bought a cup of coffee and a muffin from the Second Cup located on the main floor of the hospital. Patients, visitors, staff, and nurses/doctors are all mixed up in the line up. It is interesting how we all wait our turn – no matter what we are, how we are. Just yesterday I was in the same line up, all tensed up and absent minded thinking about the work, the issues, and how to get over them. Yesterday, it turns out, had been a fine day.

My misery today is due the prospect of future desperation. What am I going to do? This question is brutal… Particularly when I do not know the answer. When there is no one around to ask a hand. I will have to figure out a lot of things myself… Maybe it is good. Maybe it will force me to get out of my chain of thoughts. What else can I hope for?

I walked up to home; half crying, half hurrying. Home is as usual welcoming and warm. I just threw myself on the couch, holding my face between my hands, my legs crawled to my belly.

I cried like an unborn child.

———————————————————————————————————-

The life in the diary – II

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

The life in the diary – I

Fiction

———————————————————————————————————-

October 8, 2014

I do not know what to say any more – I felt like whatever I thought so far, I put in writing.
Though it is possible that if I had written more,  I could have discovered more. Said more. I just cannot continue.
——————–

January 26, 2013

My doctor is optimistic; she says I will be fine at no time. It came back, so what?  I am not worried, I have done this before. Yet, I know as soon as I step out of the door, I will start crying. Because it feels unfair.

The first days are complete shock. Being told that you are sick and need immediate medical care is….weird or something…..Its meaning is so thick, so heavy; reality does not sink for some time.

After that, it changes you though. Priorities change for one; I do not care about work that much for example; it does not fill in my entire mind or future worries. No. Neither the fences that I was planning to paint nowadays. I do not care. Let them rot. I hope though I will not lose my job along the way; I need the insurance and the salary. That is the most critical thing I need to keep now.

Will I need someone to care for me at home? Will I be able to find someone to do so? Can I afford it? Who will shop or cook for me? Will I be able to find any friends around me?
But no; let’s not think about these yet.

Not yet.

———————————————————————————————————-

The life in the diary – I

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

warmth of a person who cares

one can clean her home whenever she wants to

listen to the music or watch the TV channel of her choice

one does not have to think about cooking for dinner

nor preparing food for lunch the next day

no need to worry about someone who does not show up

or becomes late time to time

no need to rely on someone to call the repair company

though this would be nice, really nice

one can cry the moment it calls, no need to hide

there is no complications related to finances either

have own budget, bank account, and investment

there is stability and simplicity in single life

though it can get sad and unbearable time to time

especially when the bad times, old age, or sickness strikes

nothing replaces a person who cares

———————————————————————–

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

if you ever need to undergo a surgery alone

if you ever need to undergo  a surgery alone, I want you to know that you are a strong and determined person. You will handle it to your best. And when you leave the hospital, however tired or weak you may be, you will know that you have done an extraordinary thing. Be proud of yourself – you way deserve it.

it is gonna be okay, I gotta say

I want to lie down tonite

feeling sick, as if something is coming

a bug, a tiredness, something

no tea, no soup, no nothing

is gonna make it better

just need to lie down

warm and silent

under a blanket

lights dimmed to help my eyes

rested and my body and mind

feeling contemplations

it is gonna be okay, I gotta say

holding my own head

checking my fever

———————————————————————–

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

joy journal – Dec 9, 2014

I am grateful for many things today;

1. I am grateful for being well and sound, without sickness or ailment, with no dependency.

2. I am grateful for not working too much today; it was a relaxing day.

3. I am grateful for helping my assistant go home after she fell sick.

4. I am grateful for another assistant of mine giving a ride to the sick one – the collegiality in my work place is really awesome. I am happy to have their well-being at the highest priority and ensuring that they will feel cared and fine. I hope that is also being a good role model for them and maybe in their future work places, they will continue with such acts of care and kindness towards their peers; I hope helping others will be their normal.

5. I am grateful for organizing and reporting my activities to a virtual group of people on a common project, rather than getting upset. It was a good idea to email all parties rather than responding to each one with their sometime overlapping and repeating questions/request (which drew me crazy). I hope that will work out for them so that we all can save some time and nerves.

6. I am grateful for walking today; after work, I walked around half an hour. That is good for my health.

7. I am grateful for eating nourishing, warm and tasty food today. They help me feel good about myself and my life style.

8. I am grateful for weather – it was less chilly today and quite a bright day. I like sun and blue sky. There are so many nice feelings driven by them. Hope, joy, happiness, optimisim..

9. I am grateful for my boots – they are new and are very comfortable. They did not hurt the back of my feet, they fit just fine, and they are water proof. Once I verify that they are skid-resistant as well, I will be relieved, happy, and grateful again.

10. I am grateful for some work completed at my place this morning. I thought I would get more work done, but I think I will leave it here. I can take care of others next year. It is a lot of money that I have to pay, some of the work on the roof may not have been done as they promised, but I have no way to verify. I will not get crazy about this. Rather, I will be grateful for these people coming over and fixing stuff to help protect my house.

11. I am grateful for my positive attitude today.

12. I am grateful for the cab driver in the morning – she and I laughed quite a bit over the weather and the road constructions that have been going on in the neighbourhood for quite some time.

13. I am grateful for the soup one of my friend’s mom prepared. It is tasty and nourishing. I could not think about something else that could make my evening warmer.

14. I am grateful for giving a gift to one my assistants recognizing, acknowledging, and appreciating the volunteer activity he has done over the year. The gift was something little, but I am sure he was surprised and got happy. That also made me recognize that my other assistants would also like to receive something to recognize their efforts. I made a mental note of getting gifts for the rest. Right before the holidays when I take them out at a lunch, I can present theirs. That is a great idea.

15. I am grateful for only two weeks being left till the holidays and the time I will take off until after the new year. I am feeling this excitement seriously at a very deep level. We all need a break.

16. I am grateful for the night still being young. There is so much I can do, relax and enjoy in the rest of the night.

17. I am grateful that I do not have to get up early tomorrow.  There is freedom in this.

18. I am grateful that we had a good laugh with my team this morning – I was showing them the prize I got yesterday for the worst performance at a friendly competition. It is a stick with a little hand at the end. And there is a button that when pressed lights up one of the fingers. It will be fun to use it at presentations.

19. I am grateful for the animation movie on TV – the narrator has a smooth voice, which makes it very easy to listen to.

20. I am grateful for being grateful; writing these things here makes my evenings exciting, joyful, and relaxing.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: