pretty random thoughts

Yes, thoughts can be quite pretty 🙂

I have been in a high-speed work period for some time. Somethings are going better and some others are still challenging me. But in the middle of everything, I keep going.

I have an internal compass that is quiet and when I find it, no matter how challenging is the situation, I for some reason know that I will solve it. Has this ever happened to you?

It is such a strange contrast to my regular self, who gets stressed and anxious at the face of adversity.

Just yesterday I have got a rejection for a project that I worked very hard for. They want me to revise and re-submit, which I will. They caught the part that was most under-developed and want it fixed. I knew that I must have worked on it, but did not, could not. Now is a good time, it seems. I know that I can handle this for some strange reason. I am not panicked.

I may of course be wrong and still get a rejection after my revision. It will be a blow to my now-confidence, but I think we will see. But what I understand most is how I approach to problems and what creates my anxiety; my lack of trust in own ability and confidence to take care of stuff. Otherwise, I would have been anxious about not getting this project accepted or not making a good revision next time and getting rejected again.

It is quite strange.

I always knew that I am a perfectionist and I would like to do better each time. That means I curb my confidence in myself. However, if I do feel confident in my abilities (mostly a learnt response from my past similar experiences), then  approach things with less anxiety and worry.

I think that it all ends in believing in myself and this is the most important type of validation for me, not the others’ evaluations on me.

Strange. Strange. Strange.

I knew I would beat myself over things, but realizing that a) I limit myself more than others, and b) I in fact have a sound confidence in my abilities in some cases was surprising.

This is a beautiful day my friends.

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This week I have learnt some other things about my work habits.

I noticed that early morning (6-9am) when there is not many people around are my most productive times in the office. I must use these times effectively.

I still struggle with prioritizing the most important tasks and working on them first, but I will continue to work on this.

I realized also that I can rather use the evenings and nights for works that do not require much of a focus; like emails, little reading material.

I also took the yesterday  night and tonite off from work, and am enjoying calming down, with the confidence that I will take care of things tomorrow morning.Rushing constantly does not make me justice.

Listing the things to do a night before helps me use the next morning better. I feel at more control of my stress this way and satisfied knowing that I do work, not waste time trying to decide to what to do.

I am looking at a busy weekend again, but I am not worried about this – I appreciate the availability of time at my disposal. This is very good.

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I mentioned at the beginning that somethings were going well. I am working on two new ideas (both are challenging as well). High risk-high reward kind of projects.

For someone who is usually cautious at work, this kind of brave attempts come every 10 years or so 🙂 It is tough times, but eventually will resolve (feeling this way again based on my past experience). There is some kind of accomplishment and adventurous sense that fills me with not only panicky feelings but also with joy, confidence, and determinism. I really love when I feel this way. Especially when I see that I have not chickened out. Voila! 🙂 Hard work and stress are worth it. I am growing mentally and professionally, and I have not given up knowing that eventually I will be better in two months than today.

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I have also learnt to trust more to my team members. They make all of these possible. They work hard just like me and with me on many details and their methodological expertise is making progress in these ideas possible. I must be more appreciative of this, which I am glad that I have seen.

It is a beautiful day indeed my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

random thoughts

I do not know why now, right before the holidays, I feel the thirst for working.

what am I afraid of? Working during the entire holiday season (12 days), feeling awesome about it, only to find out later that I missed my greatest opportunity of the year to rest (these 12 days are all paid holidays by the way).

No friends. While I do want to work, I do not wish to feel silly afterwards. And yes, I will take a rest and do stuff other than work. Better yet, I will work maybe 2-3 days at the beginning fully focusing on work, I do not care whether that means working 16 hours a day, but I will do this and then will rest for the rest of the holidays.

This way I will not feel the stress of work accumulating and I will not feel the silliness coming out of working thru the holidays.

I hope, of course 🙂

So my holidays will start not next wednesday, but next saturday. That still leaves me 9 days to enjoy 🙂

 

random thoughts

When I remembered in the morning it was Sunday, and I did not have to worry about going to work and working all day, I felt a wonderful sense of relief 🙂

It is a little bit gray day; as a matter of fact so gray that I have my lights on. It makes me feel like hibernating. That may be one of the reasons that I do not wish to work today, even though I had planned so. I have decided I can enjoy today and then tomorrow focus on an important report and hopefully finish it in a day or so. I know there will be many distractions at the office as there are other things my team members are doing and my department can always ask for more stuff. Eventually I will feel the rush and stress, but I think I made a good decision to not care about the work today and just relax.

I am enjoying my new streaming service and watching movies. I always loved watching movies and it is a pity that in the last many years I only have had cable, which has limited movie selection and movie airing time. It is amazing how little things can change my life and excites me.

That experience made me think again the things/activities that excite me, and my wish to remember and then implement them in my life again. Sometimes I feel like I float with the current of life, its demands and issues. That means I forgot things. Time to remember 🙂

have a great Sunday everyone 🙂