all the good things – check

Do not get me wrong; it has not been bright lately, but I make an effort to recognize the good and positive in my life (this post is a good example).

  • I think I am going through a down episode and am highly suspicious of my mental health, but at least noticing this tells me there is still some logical side in me, which I would like to invest in more – check

I increasingly recognize that I have anger in me that waits to be released. If I am not pissed with a work that does not go well, then I am pissed by an encounter, and if not, then by my memories. I know that I must let go off the memories and emotions attached to them, but it is not easy or permanent.

Just yesterday I decided it was okay to have this state, which now is becoming my “normal”; “I cannot sleep well – so what? It has been like this for now and it is okay”. Or, “I cannot change myself or my life the way I ideally would like, and that is okay too as I have been trying to do this my entire life”. Or, “I do not eat well as well as I want to or exercise to give my tired body a chance to relax, but that is also okay”.

These are the thoughts that go through my mind. I think I am either accepting the conditions and make peace with them, or really started to quit my ideals, plans, or efforts. Hard too know for sure. But somethings are not working. They have not been working for a long time, and this may be a chance to actually let life fix what I could not.

  • meeting with a new staff at my work-place and clicking right away – check

what a positive person! one of those individuals whose eyes are radiant with joy and positivity. It was such a pleasure to meet and chat with her. We have some common interests and background, and today I just learn that she was into plants as well. So I gave her a couple of plants and cuttings, and she was excited about them. This feels great in so many different ways; sharing plants is always joyful. But seeing the joy of the person getting them is extra joyful. I made a great memory today, thanks to her. I also felt my energy lifted after interacting with her, as this person has the most positive and happy vibe I have ever seen in someone. I fell quite lucky and I thank life for this.

  • becoming a member of the library and having access to digital books and audiobooks – check

this is fascinating! why did I not try this before?? It is such a great service and I immensely enjoy reading the books by my favorite writer and having access to audiobooks, which I am highly curious about. Magnificent development in my life – that is for sure.

  • eating fruits and yogurt – check

it has been sometime that I enjoyed these. They are healthy, tasty, and make me feel better

  • realizing that nothing is written in stone and I too can let go off some of my beliefs and find a balance in life – check

I do not know why, but all of a sudden this past Saturday morning, I got stressful again and worked the whole weekend. It went well, only slower than I wanted to.  With my stress came my internal pressure and turmoil, and I became more and more aware of the fact that I must release this internal pressure somehow (see above the 1st point). How exactly?

I know what work:

  • walking everyday
  • not working every weekend
  • mingling with people and making better memories
  • doing new or spontaneous things
  • affirmations and being grateful
  • kindness – first to myself and then to others
  • eating well and healthy
  • taking time to release daily pressure
  • traveling
  • etc.

Questions is whether I can keep up with these…

I know that if I repeat them to myself, I will. As soon as I let the work to be the most important thing in my life, inevitably, my personal life and wellness become not important at all. I do not know why I cannot find a balance; one can work and then take care of themselves at the same time, right?

  • Being kinder to people around me today – check

This kind of experiences also humble me and make me more compassionate of others. Today I was extra kind to people around me, which felt wonderful.

 

 

 

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Change is easier when I feel but not when I think about it

I have been waiting for these feelings I experience for some time. I knew that one day I would detach from work and my current life plans, and move on. These days seem to have arrived.

The recent heart-opening experience with one of my family members having a near-death accident has changed me and gave me the much needed shake off. No matter how much I try to think logically to keep going here, I kind of know that I was born for something better and bigger. My work is satisfying but it comes with lots of stress and many little and big work left on my shoulders by either my employer or my team members. I like both of these, but I am resenting the fact that I am not allowed to use my time for things that I am most capable of and it is rather wasted with things that a young colleague with no or little experience can do.

Stress. No or little appreciation. A lot of little work eating up my time. Resentment. Toxic and highly pressuring work environment. Working close to 14 hours everyday, including weekends and holidays. Having financial and employment insecurity. Sleep problems. Lack of time to care for myself, mentally and physically. Lack of assurance.

What was I thinking in keep going with this job?

I know what I was thinking.

I had low self-esteem to find a similar position somewhere else and the job position was something that I have always dreamt of. I was not able to deal with my fears and as such did not want to change my environment, either.

Well.

I may change this environment quite easily. As a matter of fact I feel like I will do this soon. More and more roles that I once dreamt of have been offered to me this week by my organization and more and more I think about not accepting them. I want to commit less to anything or anyone other than myself and my family. I want to make sure that when I decide to leave, I will have freedom to do so, fewer team members to place in a new unit, less furniture to sell/give away, and less responsibility to complete. This is great to feel.

I still have commitments that I must honour. I am doing my best to help move them, but goodness knows if I do get others involved not doing their part and leaving things on my shoulder again, I may as well just quit it there. I know this is a scary thought and I should not feed it, but when one asks themselves constantly “how long more to do these and at what expense?” there comes a moment that the last chain in the link is broken quite easily and it feels right and whatever mattered prior to that moment does not anymore.

I am not asking or planning for this, yet if it is its time, it will happen.

In the mean time, I will enjoy my detachment to my past plans/work and freedom to dream the bigger and better life conditions and job that I know I deserve and I will attain.

 

Sunday morning musings

Peaceful morning with the coffee on the table and music at the background – what else do I need right now? 🙂

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Appreciating the beauty of the moment put aside, I feel like my anxiety is checking on me, and as a result, I feel like I must convince myself that there are remedies.

I increasingly recognize that there are two types of anxiety creating situations:

  1. one; when there is a real issue which if left unattended may create bigger issues, and;
  2. second; those that exist as possibilities which upon becoming reality can create a real issue and if left unattended may create bigger issues.

I deal with both of these the majority of the time.

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I am pretty good at managing the 1st type of anxiety creating situations (mostly work-related). I still time to time struggle with them as well, especially when there are too many of them all at the same time, which stresses me.

The best remedy I have found so far?

Reminding myself my past experience:

  • I will not be scared for no good reason
  • I am able to handle anxiety and issues – so far I have. It may take some time and can down me a good chunk of the time, but I have seen that I am strong and resilient
  • Challenges grow me and I have solved many of them in the last few years especially. I can feel confident
  • I will continue to be okay with those thoughts that will benefit me, move me, and motivate me so that I can move on

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The second type is the one that comes from nowhere. It kind of places itself in my mind when I have no or little type 1 anxiety creating situations.

The best remedy I have found so far?

Reminding myself;

  • I will not be scared for no good reason
  • I will think about what to do when my fears become a reality – until then it is a waste of my emotional stability, time, and energy to try to find solutions to non-existing fear-creating situations. Over and over I have seen that I can make (more) rational/logical decisions at the face of adversity
  • I will not resist to anxiety creating thoughts; no matter how many times I come across anxiety

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It has been a fine day. Again.. :)

🙂

I love the serenity and joy that having some “me time” and reading positive news/affirmations and thinking that there is truth to these, bring.

Reading and thinking about positive things and possibilities, indeed are healing and making me feel more in the life and enjoying it.

I came to realize that not everything was a hurdle or difficulty I had to go thru, but rather there were many beautiful things that were happening and awaiting me to recognize them.

Today the most sweet of all was to recognize that there were many opportunities out there (whether work or personal opportunities is irrelevant) and if I had wanted, I could reach them. I in fact have been reaching to some of them lately. Like the additional position I have got lately. I wanted it, genuinely, and it just fell on my lap after a year or so. I feel lucky!

And today, I was just walking to help warm my muscles and found out a yard sale in my neighbourhood. I managed to find a great book on self-development that I read with great interest and a pot that I have loved dearly 🙂 All for a couple of bucks. I was one happy and lucky person again, all by chance again! Should I not have wanted to walk at that random time, I would have missed this beautiful opportunity.

Sometimes my friends, we just need to show up and life will deliver to us. This is a fact.

If we look, we can see.

I am looking at life now and am excited about all the great things it can bring to me. I am ready to reach, savor, and be grateful for them!

I am lucky.

I choose to have thoughts that empower me.

I choose to have “me time” and read and contemplate on positive thoughts.

I choose to believe that I am capable of reaching out and succeeding in life and at work.

I, my friends, am choosing to bless these thoughts and the mental state “me time” can bring.

*me time: not working or using computer. Rather just sitting and making it a priority to go through my thoughts and make conscious choices to switch to joyful ones – try it 🙂

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it has been a fine day

This was a regular day with no particular ups and downs and that is exactly why it was a fine day 🙂

I am grateful for:

  • sleeping well and waking up felling rested
  • having a simple but filling breakfast
  • enjoying my coffee
  • cleaning my home and letting fresh air get in thru open windows whole day
  • speaking to my family and seeing that they are fine, too
  • walking to a nearby store and purchasing milk and other essential items, not forgetting also awarding myself with a bar of chocolate
  • watering my plants and loving each one of them – I hope they feel it 🙂
  • preparing a lovely dough for the baking adventure tomorrow
  • enjoying a tall glass of milk with a type of biscuit that reminds me my childhood
  • working for a couple of hours and feeling good about it
  • resting on the couch, watching TV, browsing internet, and journaling and feeling good

 

And I appreciate myself for:

  • keeping up with my Saturday house chores no matter what
  • walking and stretching that both help alleviate my low back pain
  • being generally thoughtful but reminding frequently to let go off the thoughts and worries, and focusing on the positive
  • for finding joy, excitement, and happiness in looking at, caring, and thinking about my plants, particularly my succulents 🙂

Have a great Saturday night friends! 🙂

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positive vibes

The thought crosses the mind and the heart feels.

That is what they say. I kind of believe in this.

Today, I am turning my regular thought pattern of working of problems, and rather, note the random beauty and safety around me.

Like the light coming into my bedroom window right now – what a majestic thing! It is free, available to everyone, and has found my way. I am lucky :). Ligth finds me.

The song I am listening to right now is peaceful, melodic, and intense at the same time. The guitar is both speaking and dancing. All the peaceful and lively melodies find me feed my soul, get my attention and lift my mood up.

I created two lovely sourdough loaves today and shared one with my good neighbours. To be able to share without feeling the need or enforcement is such a bliss. I like this about myself – I like to share the things I cherish. I am kind to my neighbours and I treat them time to time with nice food, little gifts. I am abundant and kind.

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I find things to do when I need to. Like today I painted a number of small terra cota pots for my yet-to-come succulents and cacti (planted seeds last week – wish me luck). I have hobbies that let me create and get excited about what I can do.

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I feel less anxious than Friday and this is wonderful. Once again, my fears triggered by external resources/people and made me remember what I should be careful about in my future steps (about work). I welcome this fear to make my future less problematic and I let it go now – it served its purpose.

I planted a number of seeds in a windy day. Some may have gone around to my neighbours’ yards. May they find their niche, germinate, and make someone happy and joyful. Nature and I have so much to share.

Rain and wind knocked some of my daffodils and tulips. One tulip is standing tall and is about to bloom. Like this tulip, I too stand up no matter what.

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Everything is available in life and I claim my part of life right here, right now.

How about this as a turn of the way I often think?

🙂

 

 

 

Plan A and B

I came to realize that my emotions are quite strong.

Sometimes even stronger than my thoughts. They say our emotions are created by our thoughts. These thoughts must be quite silent or subtle for me – maybe my inner voice? – which make it quite difficult to identify them. In the absence of knowledge of my thoughts I am bound to feel the emotions as they come and go. The only ways I found that work are a) to force myself to remember for the good things that happened, and b) no resisting the emotions and rather let them be. They leave after a while.

Many years ago when I feel this way I wold read books. Reading and writing, as I do right now, seem to alleviate a significant part of these emotional burden. I must confess it has been quite some time that I read a book. Maybe tonite is the night.

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I have been to a meeting today. I have been serving in it for a year. Today after 2 hours (it usually lasts 3-4 hours), I could not take it anymore and left. I usually would stick to my commitments but I did not feel like it was going interesting. And by the look of how it moved, it possibly would take longer than 4 hours today. I threw myself out and bought myself a chocolate bar or two and arrived home.

I like this – I cared about myself and prioritized my own well-being and comfort over my commitments, this time an unfruitful one. It does not happen frequently and I have just realized what a great change it is!! One of the positive outcomes of this otherwise highly stressful and hard work year.

I could be getting ready to prioritize myself over the work issues or tasks. I know this would take quite a long time – I am not naive enough to think that just like that in an hour I completely dropped the long habit of living for work and started to live my life out of work… But this is a start and I appreciate the opportunity to experience and realize it.

I could be ready. For a better personal life and self-care.

During these times I appreciate the comfort my money provides me with. I am not sorry that I spent money on cab or chocolate or some extra food to enjoy today. While I recognize the need to use my money better and save for my future, I also recognize the fact that treating myself sometimes is necessary and even better.

We all have some coping skills at the face of stress or adversity. No sure what mine are; food, cardio exercise, books, writing, or plain going through it. I miss my stretching classes but cannot attend them now because of my lower back issue I experienced few weeks before. These classes give me some kind of peace, some kind of joy. It is hard to beat, but when I start them, after a few weeks I pull a muscle and end up popping muscle relaxants and pain killers for a few days. It is strange – but there is a 100% connection between the two. Is it something I do at these classes that triggers it? I am not a superstitious person, but it crossed my mind a couple of times that maybe I am not supposed to have this relaxation and joy I experienced at these classes. This should not be interpreted as I feel like I do not deserve to feel joyful or relaxed. Rather I think whatever makes me tense serves for a purpose.

What is it?

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One of my bosses described me as “intense” may years ago. I remember it very well. I know that I can be quite reactive and say whatever comes to my mind, without being political, and can fiercely object if it is not fair, clear, or right. To me, this is a good characteristics – do you want what I really think, or do you want me to say what you want to hear? I have never been good at being political. Always objective, just, and authentic.

In many ways, I can see why people would have a problem with this. Diversity of opinions and democracy and free speech has little place in teams that are focused on certain tasks, want to get things done, or find strength in their togetherness. The committee I served today is a good example of it. Listening to diverse points of view and having discussions around topics require time. When you have around 50 discussion points on the table, naturally nobody wants to hear different opinions or discussions lasting longer than a minute or two. People want to move on and finish on time.

Maybe if I stay in this committee long enough, I would also assume a similar priority and practice – just vote what the majority votes for, keep silent, and move on. Maybe everybody else thinks that this is not the best we can do, but the best we can have. Like Churchill said about democracy. Maybe all hard-working committees are operating under a similar modus operandi – executing a plan B successfully is better than struggling for a hard-to-get plan A.

I just realized that so far in my own personal life, I settled with plan B. I did not have time or energy left, after spending most of them on work and career most of my adult life.

Perhaps this can change.

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what matters in life most

I will be attending a funeral tomorrow for someone I knew. 

Like many of us, I have many minor things in my life and thoughts that actually do not matter most in life; work-related issues and people’s behaviors would be the top two. I stress and hurt myself over these.

What is the purpose of all these fuss that clogs our vision and prevents us from seeing what really matters in life? I do not know. Maybe we are taking it too serious. Maybe we need to secure our physical, mental, and financial well-being before we can let go or enjoy life. Maybe we are conditioned too much or scared unnecessarily? I do not know really.

Will it matter eventually? 

Soon it is gonna be two years that I have lost my dad – may he rest in peace. I had realized only after his death that in reality, one day we are alive and the next day it is done.

Thus, the question: What really matters?

  • My family matters
  • I matter
  • Making a positive contribution to society or others matters
  • Feeling good matters
  • Feeling free matters
  • Being hopeful matters
  • Being treated with respect and fairness matters
  • Feeling optimistic or in control about my future and retirement matters
  • Seeing things a little bit more clearly matters
  • Developing skills to know what is important and what is not, and to act or change accordingly, matters; if you have any suggestions on how to do this, please drop a line or two in the comments section

joy journal – Feb 4, 2018

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and peacefully. I had no dreams and my morning was easy and without negative thoughts crossing my mind. 

2. I am grateful for working till noon and learning some important and complex information that will be very useful tomorrow in a meeting and three other meetings the next week.

3. I am grateful for baking my sourdough and eating it warm with butter 🙂

4. I am grateful for eating fruits today.

5. I am grateful for chatting with one of my neighbours.

6. I am grateful for not working a lot in the afternoon and enjoying this freedom

7. I am grateful for listing the work I must do for each of the day of the week. I have important deadlines this week and I cannot miss any of them. This kind of lists help me a lot keeping track of things.

8. I am grateful for speaking with my family today; it was a nice and lovely talk that brought laughter to my life 🙂

9. I am grateful for getting interested in affirmations. I know that my mind listens to itself a lot and my mind usually focus on negative issues or problems. Why not the opposite? I am making an effort to read some lovely affirmations and reflect on them.

10. I am grateful for one of my colleagues not sending me their comments this morning. I feel free to move on without the need to integrate their comments in my report and the need to deal with the frustration and negative feelings their words would bring. I really dislike this person. I must exercise forgiveness to remove these feelings from my life. Or, remove this person from my life. Which one is easier?

11. I am grateful for having a safe and sound home; power to heat my home; clothes, furniture, and all other things that make my life safe ad comfortable. I surrounded myself with great items that I like or use. All is welcome in my life.

12. I am grateful for listening to the fearful voice in me during my anxious moments. Although it is hard to listen to it, it helps with extracting information that will be useful for me to prevent future events. That can be the main benefit of anxious thoughts…. So be it.

13. I am grateful for feeling free and knowing that I can do whatever I want to do!

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

  1. I appreciate myself for easily having a mixture of both positive and down moments during the day. I survive it and I do not resist it
  2. I appreciate myself for eating better today
  3. I appreciate myself for being kind to myself
  4. I appreciate myself for changing and implementing new ways to enhance my life. For example; I decided social media and news was giving me depressive thoughts – so I will limit my exposure. I will continue to say “no” to unnecessary tasks; I will continue to turn my email off at the office while working; and I will continue to let my perfectionist habit to ease while doing un-critical work. I will handle my interactions with my colleagues better too; I will keep it to professional topics while interacting with them; I will not help or listen to those negative people that drain my time and energy. I will keep thinking about how to do this better. Things will get better. This new chapter of my life, leaving things behind, and being excited about a new life experience is exciting!

 

joy journal, Jan 25, 2018

A relatively good day and I am happy to share these with you:

1. I am grateful for getting up a little bit earlier and catching an earlier bus this morning 🙂 It was a chilly morning but I just made it to the bus stop. A minute later my hero bus showed up and it really made me feel lucky and happy 🙂

2. I am grateful for having a very quiet time in the office before anyone showed up. It was beautiful and gave me much needed stress-free time 🙂

3. I am grateful for keeping calm the entire day, decluttering my office and opening space for new paperwork, relieving myself from stress induced by lots of things around.

4. I am grateful for sitting at a meeting that lasted 4 hours this evening 🙂 It is not bad for a person who has got a lower back problem 🙂 What helps in this situation is that whether it is an effective meeting with opportunities to learn something new and contribute. I have got these today so I am satisfied.

5. I am grateful for eating lots of healthy food in the office; apple and baby carrots being my favorites 🙂

6. I am grateful for changing my cab company today; yesterday one of the cabbies made me think very hard about taking the cab at all – mean people have no place in my life. While one bad apple should not make the entire batch of nice and kind cabbies bad, I felt like I must preserve my self respect. So I decided I did not want to pay another dime to this cabbie and one way to achieve this was to change the cab company. Over.

This will also give me much needed chance to stop taking cab, unless really needed, and rather focus on taking the bus or walk.

7. I am grateful for not working tonite

8. I am grateful for sitting in the dark, listening to a nice music, and writing my journal. It is “me” time, alright 🙂

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Things that I appreciate myself about today:

  1. I appreciate myself for focusing on work and feeling logical and calm
  2. I appreciate myself for making my self-respect a priority
  3. I appreciate myself for not working tonite
  4. I appreciate myself for learning 
  5. I appreciate myself for keeping up with the ever changing priorities and work dynamic
  6. I appreciate myself for being genuinely happy for a colleague of mine who will take a leave to recuperate after a highly exhausting and stressful work conditions – she deserves this. I wish her well.

 

 

joy journal – Jan 23, 2018

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and getting up with relatively mild thoughts in my mind. 

2. I am grateful for taking the bus this morning even though it was really cold and windy. Sometimes I love my persistence 🙂

3. I am grateful for having three meetings today all with some kind of progress. This feels good. I have a new team member who is visiting our organization for a couple of months. She is nice and intelligent. I hope to be able to make this an enjoyable and beneficial visit for both sides. We immediately identified a technical skill for her to develop, which is one of our strength. This feels awesome. We then have a small project to develop together, which again feels good. If we can work well and if we are lucky somehow, we can make this 🙂

4. I am grateful for working till 3.30pm at the office, which is pretty good for me. I took the cab and ate junk food in the evening, but hey, at least some small goals I have had for myself are done today: sleeping well, taking the bus in the morning (despite the cold), eating better (lots of carrots today), working mostly at the office (till 3.30 pm), not having anxiety was a huge plus, working (albeit at home till late) but nevertheless finishing some work. I now have a “me” time for another 1-2 hours before I go to sleep. That should be okay – at least for today.

5. I am grateful for not beating me up for taking the cab in the afternoon and eating junk food. I came to realize that in order for me to have a life just the way I want it, I must fix the work situation first. It is sad that the stress and time-commitments of the work takes priority over my own personal life. It is really sad…. I keep going in this difficult time; poor budgets, poor conditions, and poor recognition. I have not given up yet but I keep wonder when or if that would happen…..

I will know when it is over. It is not over yet.

6. I am grateful for working; I may be stressed. I may be anxious. I may be depressed (time to time). But I am functional and am giving my 100% to this toxic work-place. I have been working in this field for 24 years now. This is a long time; I studied, I worked, I moved up, and now I am no sure where my career is. Frustration is a common experience with everyone I guess. After all these years and dedication, do you not expect recognition? respect? Some kind of satisfaction and ease?

I do.

Maybe that is what exactly I should be grateful for.

7. I am grateful for being safe, healthy, warm, and sane today. It could have been much worse – I could have lost my mind :))))))

Joking.

But it is a possibility, you know 🙂

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

  1. I appreciate myself for making an effort to feel good by taking small and simple steps
  2. I appreciate myself for bringing carrot to office – they make wonderful food, especially when I have no time to have lunch
  3. I appreciate myself for working…… At least things are moving
  4. I appreciate myself for being calmer and more confident re; finishing work and figuring out things
  5. I appreciate myself for knowing – knowing myself, my feelings, my abilities, my limitations, and my wishes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday morning musings

There is another quiet and relax Sunday morning!

Weather is chilly, sidewalks and yards are covered by snow, there is a cup of coffee next to my computer, and I keep thinking how well I have started the day.

For the first time in a while, I woke up appreciating, supporting, and loving myself. The thoughts that raced through my mind were counter-acted by the positive and kind thoughts about myself, telling awesome things like “you will take care of these; you have time to take care of these; and you do and must continue to take better care of yourself“.

Very nourishing 🙂

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The second day of the “work” staycation

Today went well too; worked more or less without much of a distraction and it felt good to be able to do this.

My anxiety levels are still high, though, and unless I find a way to reduce it, I am afraid it may escalate. So I will be making a good effort to go back to my routine tomorrow; thank goodness it is Saturday tomorrow and I will fill it up with my regular activities, such as cleaning the house, picking up milk from a store, doing laundry, preparing my sourdough for over night rise, and speaking with my family. I must also clean up the yard and pick the weeds and other unnecessary life forms. I never knew how much I would appreciate my daily (and often times boring) highly structured life-style.

I am familiar with anxiety accompanied with shallow breathing and the feeling of being scared of something, someone, a thought. I try to not resist but rather relax into it and mediate the situation with some meditative music and focusing on the positives; I have a great family who supports me; I am doing great work; my home and yard are at a much better shape than last year; I keep budgeting and living frugally; I try to find joy and happiness in little things; there is a wonderful weather outside; I was able to keep my window open the whole day and have fresh air inside; I have good friends who are happy to socialize with me and help me if needed; I have usually a great job that provides me with more than enough money (even though it also makes me feel inadequate – the main reason of my latest anxiety boot).

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I feel angry at the conditions that limits me at work and my performance; i am angry at the funding situation for our projects; I am angry at the endless competition we undergo to achieve something; I am angry at the economy; I am angry at myself for not saying “no” more often and often ending up doing other peoples’ works. I am angry at myself for not focusing on the positive and the big picture we call life, rather than all the little antsy bitsy things that I let to annoy me.

I want to feel good and I know that as long as I have this wish, this anxiety will not go anywhere. Wishing to feel good by running away from what I am experiencing is a form of resistance that makes things worse. It is so counter intuitive. I know there are things that I will change and improve as a result of this experience. I just do not know what they are.

The best remedy for anxiety is to trust the unknown. I need to trust to life, the universe if you will, people around me, and more importantly, myself. I may fail at work according to my own or others’ criteria, I know I will get up being better and stronger out of this hurdle. Maybe I will turn things around by being a little bit more smart in protecting my own time and energy, a little bit more lucky, or by changing my own attitude towards myself, my life, my work, my colleagues, my hopes, and my failures. 

I know all of these. 

Now it is time to believe in them.

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joy journal – June 12, 2017

It has been a while that I wrote down my gratitude for many things, people, and experiences in my daily life that makes me feel lucky, happy, optimistic, or better about myself and my life. 

Here is today’s list:

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and dreaming. My recent dreams are not violent but somehow leave me feel heavy-minded, confused, and annoyed. I know I dream to work on some issues. I just wished I did not remember them – at least for some time 🙂

2. I am grateful for the cab ride and then resenting it the whole day. I took the cab because I wanted to feel good about myself (after the annoying dream in the morning). But by taking the cab, I not only lose 10-11 bucks but also all the benefits of walking, the most important of which is the “feel good” feeling that lasts the whole day. I need that free and ultra-positive feeling more than many things in life – so let’s get back to walking starting tomorrow morning. please 🙂

3. I am grateful for having a stress-free day at the office and doing some work. I was not as efficient as I wished but it went well.

4. I am grateful for walking at noon in the nearby forest. How lucky I am to have a work-place close to a large forest with little rivers and ponds…. what a blessing it was to just sit next to a pond and listen to the voice of the waves and looking at the blue sky.. it was there where I realized that my life was working out just fine for me; I have had a house, a job, a daily routine, a budget, and everything else I may need. I was healthy and still considered young. I did not have a huge problem that had no solution. I was mentally clearer and my psychology was stronger than before. My life was working just fine – it was the job situation that was kind of problematic. But, is it not great that at least an important part of my life was simple, easy, and comfortable? I realized that at least for that moment I was actually “happy with my life” – what a HUGE blessing!

5. I am grateful for being excited about my yard. Yesterday and today I was just thinking what a progress I have had and how beautiful my yard would be looking in two years. I have plans and I hope that I can do these slowly and one by one. It already looks a lot better than last year 🙂

6. I am grateful for my kefir 🙂 I ferment it for two days now, which makes it thick. But I miss the slightly carbonated and sour taste of it that I have had at the beginning (24 hours ferment). I really would like to see the grains get bigger so that they can start fermenting faster. This would help me get a large volume (around 3-4 cups) of kefir daily. Oh, well… Those days will come!

7. I am grateful for the food I have had today at the office and then at home. I have eaten some cheese, which I think makes me gain weight, but I had that huge appetite this evening and I felt compelled to eat it…. Luckily I have a couple of hundred grams of it left. I promise to myself not to but another one for some time.

8. I am grateful for having the evening and night to myself and enjoying it by watching movies, writing, reading, and contemplating.

9. I am grateful for changing my purses and now using a lovely one that I had bought from Rome a few years back 🙂 It is a beauty!

10. I am grateful for improving the cover letter I am preparing for the job opportunity I am interested in. I am taking my time with that application. The deadline is in 2-3 weeks and I honestly think about making the application the last day or something. I do not know why, but those applications that are submitted to me later (but not right away) are usually the better than the first applications. I think maybe it gives the impression of rushing by the applicant, which may mean either desperation or carelessness while preparing the application. So, I am taking my time. While I am interested in this job, I am not 100% sure of me being able to take it. Unless it offers me an excellent package of course and unless my trainees are okay with me leaving. This makes me feel conflicted about it. But, I must remind myself that I am appliying to this job to understand my needs and wishes better and to gain some kind of confidence. So, for now everything is going well and I have no reason to feel confusion or conflict.

11. I am grateful for having walking shoes that make walking/hiking a comfortable and enjoyable activity.

12. I am grateful for all the food I have in my fridge, freezer, and pantry 🙂

13. I am grateful for my hand and face moisturizers 🙂

14. I am grateful for my computer and internet connection that make blogging experience possible.

15. I am grateful for being grateful and taking my time to note these down.

Sunday morning musings

It is a great day with the freedom to do nothing and everything 🙂

I used this sentence first yesterday and I kinda liked it – so please ignore it if it bothers you. It just reminds me my own freedom. For a control freak and someone like myself who has a lot of things on her to-do-list, that is a great feeling:)

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I am drinking the first cups of my morning coffee and looking ahead the day:  I have a bean meal to cook (started already); a sourdough loaf to bake (proving right now); a yard to dig and fix somehow; loved ones to speak to; and mentally work on the problem of “what is best for my future self“:

 

1) is it staying at my current job and job environment, and aiming to change my mind set so that I can feel good about myself no matter how negative or problematic the work is?

Can I really relax, lower my expectations from myself, adapt a new attitude, care less, and become more self-confident and just make things happen – if they can happen? 

Not sure, but I sure can try….I am quite aware that my self-confidence is quite low. This is mostly because of myself and the expectations I have from myself. Certainly, it does not help when you self-critique yourself all the time…. Please do not do that, friends; it is good to be aware of yourself, but please be not rigid in your thinking about yourself and others. You change; people change. I too can change. I just do not know how to handle that…

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2) is it taking the risk or opportunity (depends on where you are looking from), and looking for jobs aggressively?

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Assuming that I find a new job that I am content with; 

Am I ready to make this change mentally and physically? Yes, I am. I have done this before – I can do it gain.

Can I move to another city? Yes I can – I have done this many times in the past. packing and getting rid of stuff is a head ache, but it happens eventually. The worst thing would be to ask a couple of friends or contract persons to rent a truck and deliver the stuff to a donation centre.

Can I sell my house? hey, yes I guess so. Also, keeping it and renting is another option, is it not?

Can I leave my team at work? That is gonna be tough….. They trust me that I look after them and advance their work and careers. They trusted me and relocated here….. So it is really tough. I am kind of thinking that we can find better jobs for them; at least we can try. And if not, look for alternative ways. I am sure it is gonna be just fine….

Can I leave my position, salary, benefits, office? Yes, if I can get a comparable one somewhere else.

Will I change? the way I look at my work, performance, and my expectations from myself; will I find myself in a similar situation in the new job too?  This is even a tougher situation for me…… I am not confident that I can be fully happy with my new job, either. I feel like I may end up feeling a similar way; lack of self-esteem may take over again. what will I do then? Start looking for another job? How will it affect me now that I am middle aged?

How will it feel to start a new chapter in my life? Energizing and exciting! It will be great to get rid of the garbage off my shoulders and put my chin up with positivity, fresh air, and hope!

But, if I do not make this change, do I have a chance to change? Do I have to get a new job for these:

  • to have a better look at life 
  • to have better interests and better value to my work?
  • to make positive changes for myself and others
  • to feel good about myself

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And, most importantly; what is it that I really want? To change myself or to change my work?

Is it about changing what I see or how I see what I see?

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cemetery visit

There is a nice cemetery somewhere like 20 min away from home. I used to walk to visit it time to time before I moved to my current home – my then-flat was very close.

It is a perfect reflection of life; there is a combination of old and young tombstones; big and little ones; single and family ones.. There is nothing nice about death, but there is such a nice feeling of knowing that it is peaceful there. And that we are still alive and have a chance to make the best out of our lives. However miserable our lives may look, we still have it and all the opportunities it can offer us.

I used to be scared of cemeteries when I was younger. After all we always visited the graves of our loved ones; family mostly, and there are so many horror stories/movies we grew up with. I visited my dad’s grave last year; I was not scared but I was immensely saddened….  His name was on a tomb. So saddening… But it was peaceful, too. He lies in a beautiful grave yard, under the branches and leaves of beautiful trees, and away from the hassle, chaos, and noise of city centre. I still remember the voice of the trees; the soothing noise their leaves make when the wind goes through them…. Trees are so magical and there is nothing more soothing than having them at cemeteries.

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When I woke up this morning, I was excited to see the bright day out and decided to walk. I bought myself a nice cup of coffee and bagels at a cafe and then I walked to that cemetery. It changed a little bit since I have been there last time. There is now a couple of sections for the ashes. There are more seating space. I sat on one of them today for a few minutes. I asked “how do I make the best out of my life?”.

I did not have an immediate answer (from my subconsciousness, certainly not from the souls lying in the cemetery – I am not superstitious). But I sure am reminded about all the opportunities I have at life. My life.

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joy journal – April 1, 2017

There I am – writing to my joy journal again today 🙂 

It is because in the last one hour or so, I started to feel a lot better. I was reading one of my self-help books that opened my eyes again. The message is that “the more you dwell in negative experiences, thoughts, and emotions, the more they are pronounced in your life.”

How true.

I knew it. Yet, I needed to be reminded it. 

The opposite is also true – the more we dwell in positive experiences, thoughts, and emotions, the more they are pronounced in our lives. I realized that while I am scared of being fired, I actually have no reason to be fired – I am productive, creative, and very well contributing to all aspects of my organization, as expected from me. So why do I have this negative self-suspicion about my own worth? I am worth it; I deserve this job as much as anyone else, even sometimes more than many. I should start pushing away my inner critique and other poisonous people around me.

Very well.

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1. I am grateful that I have not given away the book that I am reading when I decluttered my books last year 🙂  This is a book that I bought in 2015 and it seems timeless and very beneficial for me. Thank you whoever wrote, published, distributed, and sold it.

2. I am grateful for waking up early this morning, around 7.45 am. Quite early and that means the day is long and opportunities are limitless 🙂

3. I am grateful for the coffee I brew at home and enjoying it. I like my morning routines – coffee, browsing the news, and checking the emails before I start doing more serious work. Lovely routine 🙂

4. I am grateful for cleaning my home and doing the laundry. This is my Saturday routine and it works well with me. I am lucky that cleaning my home is usually very easy and does not take much time or effort.

5. I am grateful for speaking with my mom and sister and having lots of laughter. I told them what one of my co-workers said to me this week. I was having a stressful and defensive conversation about something that negatively affected both of us and my co-worker said ” life is so big“. He did not continue but when I heard what he said, I knew how I interpreted it “life is so big and this is such a small issue. Like a little point in the entire universe“. What a beautiful thing to say!  Visualizing this little point in a big circle puts everything in a realistic context for me and many little issues lose their importance right away (do you want to give it a try? – see below).

 

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look at this beautiful upbeat life symbolized by the circle and the small “issue” symbolized with the dot; is it really worth focusing on it so much while there are so many other “points” in life? What is this dot’s worth really when compared to the whole life?

6. I am grateful for taking the bus and going to a mall. I broke the frame of my eye glasses and luckily could find the same frame. All I need to do is now to have the glasses fit in a store.

7. I am grateful for buying canned fish (that I snack at the office), personal care products, and canola oil from a store today.

8. I am grateful for preparing two dough today; one sourdough and one commercial yeast dough. Tomorrow I plan to bake 4 mid-size loaves; two for myself (the sourdough) and two plain bread; one for my neighbor and one for a colleague of mine. It was too much trying to deal with both of the dough at the same time, but both are looking very strong and it will be exciting to see them in the morning all fluffy and risen 🙂

9. I am grateful for the healthy meals I have had today; I did not eat for breakfast, but I have had beans and rice for lunch and quinoa salad with greens and turnips in the evening. The fact that I eat a variety of food that are usually prepared in a healthy way (e.g. not fried or so) should be credited for. I should credit and appreciate myself for these healthy choices.

10. I am grateful for consuming up quinoa! My goodness, I am not buying it again. Such a tasteless and expensive grain. Good bye! 🙂

11. I am grateful for trying to fix a collar that I messed up a while ago. Basically I wanted to see whether a binding tape could make it better and it looks like it is not a bad idea. I just need to make sure to stretch it a little bit so that the collar will hold itself well. This is a progress – there is hope, my friends! I will make it! One day! 🙂

12. I am grateful for having lots of smiles on my face this evening 🙂

13. I am grateful for feeling a lot better today; very positive, and content. Even a little bit silly but yes, I am feeling good and this feels fantastic. Feeling good is a birthright – even though I am guilty of being a perfectionist and a worrying type of person, and thus, usually not feeling good. This being said, it does not mean that I do not enjoy and appreciate it when I feel great. This evening is such an evening. After feeling down for a long time, and dealing with one issue after the other since new year, I take this opportunity to breathe well and put a smile on my face. Till next time.

14. I am grateful for having the night to myself and tomorrow. Tomorrow my plan is to get up early again and walk to a store to get milk and eggs. Then I will bake my breads and a cauliflower dish. I also would like to try another neck line to improve my skills. Yes – sounds like a good Sunday 🙂

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I appreciate myself for the followings today:

  1. I appreciate myself for being healthy
  2. I appreciate myself for having books and benefiting from them
  3. I appreciate myself for re-realizing my worth and the great things about myself
  4. I appreciate myself for taking excellent steps to ensure that I eat nutritious and healthy food
  5. I appreciate myself for not having expensive hobbies or wants
  6. I appreciate myself for constantly expanding my understanding about myself and life
  7. I appreciate myself for smiling 
  8. I appreciate myself for not making unnecessary expenses today
  9. I appreciate myself for being lighter today than yesterday (by one pound)
  10. I appreciate myself for laughing together with my family today

random thoughts

We are waiting for yet another storm in a couple of days and naturally I shopped this evening and stocked up some fruits and veggies.

I am not looking forward to this storm yet; I am not interested in shoveling, not going to office and not taking care of the work, and spending another day inside. 

But what can I do?

Nothing much. So, I may as well choose to enjoy it, should we get another snow day or two. As a matter of fact, I think it will be a good opportunity to try sewing a simple blouse again. We shall see how this will go.

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There are talks about “firings” to happen in my organization. The provincial situation is really bad and it shows itself in the lay offs. The morale is low and the future uncertainty and the fear of being without a job or its benefits are giving me a chill. I feel for the people who are laid off so far. Sometimes I think if that to happen to me, rather than feeling saddened by it, I should gracefully accept, collect myself and my belongings, sell my house, and go for a trip for a year or so. Just to find myself; just to figure out what I want in life. What I need in life. Without too much of thinking – like I have always done. Freedom should feel good. It always does.

This being said though, I would not like to lose my job. I do not wish to lose my job. So, I hope this kind of freedom will have to wait till my retirement. 

Since the current provincial government is pretty interested in increasing the taxes, firing people, and reducing the contributions for important services, such as schools or hospitals, our future looks pretty gray, including pension plans.. One wonders how this government could take such extreme measures and created such a depressing outlook for our current life and the future one? This feels so surreal; not having the safety/security and hope for our future while we put 100% of our minds and hearts in to our works and the daily economy. I am very disappointed. Perhaps it is for the best if they let us go and we find jobs and lives somewhere else. That crosses my mind so frequently. But, I should stop giving the wrong messages to my subconsciousness. I like my job and I would like to stay. I do not wish to lose my job.

Looks like my mental judo about the prospect of bad economy, seemingly impossible retirement, chance of being fried, and a currently secure/safe job, and my need for it and everything else it does bring (salary, benefits, a sense of meaningful life and efforts) will continue some time. I hope the future will bring positivity rather than desperation.

I want to continue to like life.

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joy journal – Jan 22, 2017

The first post of the year 🙂

I aim for writing this journal everyday, but sometimes it is just not convenient… Sometimes, though, I crave for it – I either feel elated and cannot wait to share how I feel, or I am down or agitated (like nowadays), which makes me want to write it so that I can immediately start feeling good 🙂

1. Whether it is written every day, or needed out of misery does no matter – the positive effect of writing the joy journal is a real thing. I am very grateful that I have this option and am exercising this option right now.

2. I am grateful for having a quiet day. It has been full of work and some stress/down time, yet I managed to calm myself down in the evening by journaling somewhere else. Facing and expressing negative feelings is okay. Often times, I beat myself for not being “perfect” enough – but then it is not true. Developing this compassion, even after an inner storm, is a blessing.

3. I am grateful for eating healthy today.

4. I am grateful for the frozen soup I have consumed today. I have 3 more containers to go. I thought I would be bored of eating these soup, but I proved myself wrong. It was delicious 🙂

5. I am grateful for today being a “no expense” day – i did not spend any money today 🙂

6. I am grateful for talking to my family and having a laughter or two 🙂

7. I am grateful for my lower back feeling good and not needing stretches. 

8. I am grateful for the movies I have watched today.

9. I am grateful for everything I have at home; my food, clothes, shoes, furniture, computer, internet and phone connections, and cable. Everything works together to make my life easy, comfortable, safe, and nourishing. Thank you everything 🙂

10. I am grateful for my house standing tall and strong even though the weather keeps beating us up and the wind blowing parts around. I am very proud of my house keeping so strong. 

11. I am grateful for reading blog posts about inner peace and positivity… Inspiration is always there, if we look for it. many people take their time to share their thoughts or experiences, some of which I can relate. Most importantly, those posts make me remember that I am not the only person who is going thru these feelings (e.g. agitation, feeling down, or stressed). This makes an immediate and positive effect on me…. every.. single.. time.. 🙂

12. I am grateful for being grateful 🙂

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Added after the post:

Someone suggested to write down three things we appreciate about ourselves every day or something  (http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2013/09/11/improve-self-esteem/) .

I loved this idea, considering how hard I have been on myself lately. So here they are:

1. I love the fact that I do not give up at the face of adversary or criticism. It may hurt, I may react, I may feel angry or down, but eventually I will find a way to make things better and silence that critic!

2. I love the fact that I make efforts to make things better all the time. It is sad that I down talk about myself (I not only criticize myself but also make a negative impression on others unnecessarily- the curse of being a modest and humble person), but this will change from now on.  I decided to nourish myself and talk about myself objectively and positively at the same time!

3. I love the fact that I am a good person and am terrific at my job. Nobody else could do what I am doing and so meticulously. I am very good at my role in life and my role at my work-place. Everybody should get over this, starting with my inner critic 🙂

There….

Feeling 100% better about myself already and rightfully!!!  🙂

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Added after the previous addition:

How come I never appreciated myself, while I appreciated so many things?

From today on, my joy journal will include positive things about myself! 🙂

 

 

 

 

feeling what I feel

It has been a snow day, meaning I stayed in the whole day and worked through my computer. It also means that I shoveled 🙂

I think the winter is gonna be harsh this year; it is one of these rare occasions that we have had a snow day before January…

I felt bored at home but kept working anyhow. It is one of days that I would rather be at the office, but there is nothing I can do about this right now.

The holidays season is upon us and I have too many social events to attend. I have 3 to attend this week and at least 2 other the next week. Every once a while it is great but I question myself – do i really want to do this? Possibly not, but I gave my word so I am going. I am prepared to gracefully accept the fact that if there is nothing I can change, then I must make an effort to at least enjoy…

I am feeling down.. I have been feeling down for some time and I want to feel good again. I know life is a cycle and we are entitled to both good and bad times, but it does not defer me from wanting to feel good.

There are a number of thoughts and things that bother me. I do not think I can solve them. Yet, I am still bothered by them. it is one of these times that forgetting would be a good and useful option. I try to change my perspective and try to approach from another angle. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not.

In the middle of everything, I just want to feel good again.

Sometimes I know what can make me excited and sometimes I have no idea. Food is good, so is exercise. Being grateful is probably a powerful healer – should be writing my joy journal today….

I am worried that I will have a shitty holiday vacation this year. Time to time I have had it. A time that I have just for myself without the requirements of work does not always mean that I will have a great time. As a matter of fact, if I do not lift my spirit up till then, I am sure it will tire me.

Oh well….

Maybe all I have to do is to grab a box of chocolate:)

joy journal – Oct 25, 2016

I have been feeling great lately and that reflects on my joy levels. I know this is life and there are ups and downs, so this up will be likely followed by a down period. Yet, I am determined to enjoy and be grateful for every minute of this period, rather than anticipating a down period following it. Writing solidifies and makes my mind know deep down (and hopefully remember in the future) what a lovely time I have had. So, here I go 🙂

1. I am grateful for the refreshing sleep. I have not dreamed this time, but I woke up feeling good, which is quite rare for me. I often times wake up with thoughts and stress of things to do during the day ahead, but not this time. This time I was just joyful; free and optimistic.

2. I am grateful for the nice Fall weather that makes it enjoyable to walk 🙂 The Fall scenery is so beautiful to look at – I am in love with it this year.

3. I am grateful for the relaxed and happier mood I have after walking. Being in the office, doing work, but not getting stressed or down because of work is a true blessing. Today I worked easy and effective without getting crazy stressed. How about that? I wish my every day was something like this.

4. I am grateful for not leaving my office early and keeping working at the office in the afternoon. It has been sometime I have done that and I must say it is beautiful. I also enjoy working at home, but I think it is time that I spent more time in my office – it is comfy, lovely, and there are nice people around. It also helps me to limit the work I do at home and this way my home once again becomes a place for relaxation.

5. I am grateful for brewing my own coffee at my office and having the means to do so. How lucky I am to be able to do this?

6. I am grateful for walking at the evening and sweating a little bit. It is a little bit windy but still warm for late October. I love the peaceful feeling coming out of walking and sweating.

7. I am grateful for doing my lower-back stretches and also adding some push ups, tricep and bicep exercises (with dumbbells) as well as forward lunges. It has been some time that I tried push ups and I was happy to see that it did not kill me right away 🙂 I hope to continue to do these light exercises almost everyday.

8. I am grateful for drinking milk and getting my calcium and vit D supplements. My blood tests show that they are helping me increase the calcium and Vit D levels in my system, which is awesome 🙂

9. I am grateful for the raw veggies, beans, and eggs I have consumed today; they are healthy, simple, and lovely food; I am blessed with having them at my home. oh, and it is the first carb-less day in a while 🙂

10. I am grateful for yet another no-spending day 🙂 is that not awesome? 🙂 It is awesome! I feel lucky and very abundant. A miraculous feeling indeed 🙂

11. I am grateful for good memories and laughs that put a smile on my face whenever I remember them. There are so many good people I should thank for these – may they always find life easy and lovely.

12. I am grateful for relaxing the entire evening at home – I am free of stress, concerns, or negative feelings.

13. I am grateful for the song I have been listening in the last few weeks. I have an habit of focusing on one lovely item and listen/watch it over and over until its effect on me disappears, which leads me to find something new. I am still hooked with this song and am enjoying the feelings its music creates in me. The lyrics is depressing, but there is something captivating about the tune and the voice of the singer.

14. I am grateful for all the food, furniture, clothes, shoes/boots, accessories, appliances and anything else at my possession in my home; they make my life easy, complete, and enjoyable. I am so lucky to have found and purchased them.

15. I am grateful for my blog that allows me to express my joy as well as sorrow. Life, as it is. Life, as I experience it. Life, as I interpret it….

16. I am grateful for being grateful 🙂

wish for a better future

I wake up early this morning with lots of thoughts an annoyance in my mind. As being a regular night bird, the early morning hours of course are interesting for me. There is little sound, it is peaceful, but I just do not know what to do as it does not fit my routine. Maybe I will go out to get a cup of coffee.

Since I do not like how I feel (e.g. pressure, not feeling good about myself or others, stress, etc.) I am looking for the causes of these feelings and then to remove them from my life. I decided that perhaps I was too ambitious. perhaps my comfort zone was better for me; where daily life goes on good and without event, I have a routine and it works, and work goes satisfactory.

This kind of a life and serenity leave room for energy and efforts to do better in all aspects of life. I realized I have been pushing my efforts towards the work, but not necessarily my personal life.

I imagined this morning how my future would be and I kind of get scared.

Honestly I have no idea how my future looks. It is blank.

It is likely that I will end up being alone in my old age, possibly need social and medical care, and will need financial security to help being cared.

I am doing my best to ensure my financial future – as long as I keep my work, I am okay.

I should, however, get a healthier life-style; from diet to exercise to better everything. That is a must.

Seeing the future as blank….This was a scary thought at the beginning but then blank can be actually good. Why do I not try to make it better then? Fill with a better life, emotions, memories, joy, and health?

Work is one part of my life and it is time that it takes a much less space in my mind and leaves more room for my own well being and function as a human.

random thoughts

Another beautiful day 🙂 I hope everyone else is also having a similar experience.

In contrast to yesterday, I woke up with some anger in my mind. It is not fun; I should be able to manage my thoughts better. After all, my feelings are pretty much created by my thoughts. I was remembering some annoying moments from yesterday and that somehow cost me positive feelings in the morning.

The nice thing was that I decided to walk to the office again and it was a more or less pleasant walk. I noticed that if my mind works on negative thoughts, then through the end of the walk I get tired or constrained, rather than feeling relaxed. Something for me to think about.

On the positive side, my excitement over the yeast and bread baking continuing 🙂  It is to me quite amazing that such a small organism can do all of these (for example, producing carbon dioxide that expands/rises the dough and helps form the “holes” in the bread; forming gluten; and producing chemicals/nutrients that give flavor to the bread). I am interested in starting my own sourdough starter, but I guess this will have to wait till later. I am planning to purchase flour tomorrow and some seeds/nuts for my next bread. I hope my interest and excitement over making my own bread will continue.

Have a great Wednesday night everyone!

🙂

Games of Thrones and thoughts

I have been silent lately as I am busy watching Game of Thrones (GoT) 🙂

I could not resist and purchased the 5 books in the series – as a gift. I plan to read them during the holidays. Cannot wait!

This series of books (as they say) as well as the HBO TV series are full of violence and amoral behavior. I am not in favor of these and not going to further dwell into or discuss these aspect in detail. If you are interested in, many others did discuss these; just check the internet; there are many colorful discussions. Thus, I must say my interest in GoT is not about how wrong and cruel some of its contents are, but how creative and original are the stories and the imaginary world and time (the author George RR  Martin did a great job), and the questions it creates in my mind.

For one, GoT is no fairy tale where everything eventually gets better, good people triumph over the bad, and love always is cherished and wins. The dynamics of the stories is very shocking as no character is immune to violence, injustice, or death. The lives of anyone can be turned up or down any minute, anywhere, by any means.

This story, hence, more than anything else tells how unpredictable life is. Life we all can know, and even though the life in GoT cannot be comprehended fully (the rich array of life experiences described, some of which can only be known by reading history books, meshed in a creative tale that develops in a time and place that we never can know, perhaps unless we read the books), we can still relate.

A couple of characters are easy to admire (e.g. Ned Stark), some are easy to hate (e.g. Cersei Lannister, Joffrey Lannister), some are easy to relate to (e.g. Brienne of Tarth), some are easy to entice us by their wit and intelligence (e.g. Tyrone Lannister), and some are confusing, somehow disgusting, somehow humane, and continuously developing (e.g. Jamie Lannister).

I have been mostly interested in the interactions and influences on each other of Brienne and Jamie lately. The character development in the case of Jamie is interesting; such an easily hateable, in some ways disgusting (by today’s values), and sadly (as it is revealed later in the story) mostly misunderstood (as he never felt the need to make a case about himself) and vastly manipulated (by his own weaknesses) character can work on changing and redeeming himself is very, very interesting.

There have been a couple of things I have learnt/liked from the interactions of Brienne and Jamie in the story. Honor, loyalty, values, conflicting priorities, success, defeat, comradeship (the main theme later in the Brienne and Jamie story), support, kindness, and love (not only the romantic love) all of which can be and should be interpreted within a context. Context dependency, which is one of my interest in real life, makes all of these way more interesting than usual for me (this is the reasons why I noted above that reading the books that describe the world and time when these stories develop may be the only way to understand these stories).

Some fans on the internet say that Brienne and Jamie are in love with each other; most think it is obvious in the case of Brienne, but Jamie’s case is not clear. I am not sure about this yet. I think these two have a special bond; they both find something in each other that they did not experienced with others. Yet, I do not think it is a romantic love. Not yet.

One thing struck me about their relationship though; I started to think about the different types of love, even so called romantic love. The poem I have written yesterday directly reflects this. It does not always happen that I start re-evaluating things and experiences in life as basic as love – that tells me that these books and these two characters somehow help develop my understanding. That, too me, is both surprising and priceless.

It looks like you will hear from me about GoT in the coming days and months. Just let me get my books 🙂

joy journal – Oct 24, 2015

1. I am grateful for the following; I am tired after a long and daunting trip and I feel like I will leave quite a bit of stuff in my work and in my life and move towards a new, better structured, and meaningful life. I am excited about this, as sometime in the stress and problems lie the solution for a better future. I am hoping this is what is happening. I should be cautious as I do not want to make a mistake and leave something just because I am feeling tired (mentally) and frustrated. From my past experience, I have had many knee-jerk reactions, some of which I later regretted. This time, I will think calmly, estimate cons and pros, and decide about the best by taking my time.

2. I am grateful for sleeping well yesterday night prior to the early morning flight which I need to catch up.

3. I am grateful for the coffee, bagels, yogurt, cheese, and bread I have had today; they nourished my body and gave me the energy I needed.

4. I am grateful for my health and well being.

5. I am grateful for being resourceful and being familiar with minimalism prior to my trip, when my airline lost my luggage and left me with a set of clothes. I kept generally positive and look for ways to minimize the impact on myself and my business meeting. I saw it as an “adventure”. It was not the end of the world. It was not that bad. Until I talked to my airline and learning that they were sending the luggage back to my hotel the next day when I was scheduled to return back. I wonder; the airlines have no plan, no system in place to ensure the best for their customers? I plan to put these in writing together with my reimbursement form. Hope they will benefit from the feedback and if we are any lucky, then maybe they will do some adjustments for future customers.

6. I am grateful for my backpack and having some extra items in it prior to my trip. It literally helped me go thru the first 2 days. I made a mental note to have an extra trouser and a t-shirt whenever i go for a meeting, together with my personal stuff in case I get to experience a luggage lost again.

7. I am grateful for the trip starting tomorrow. It is a long trip, but I hope to enjoy my stay. I also get to meet with an old friend of mine who I love. It is gonna be awesome 🙂

8. I am grateful for doing the laundry and nothing else today. I am relaxing and mending.

9. I am grateful for not eating too much or unhealthy today.

10. I am grateful for thinking about my job and my job relationship. I think I am going thru a “middle age awakening: (not crisis). I am evaluating my past choices, my current life and work, and listening to my feelings; what are my priorities now? What would make my life more meaningful, happy, and exciting? What would make my life better? What are the things that I am missing in life? how can I get more meaning, peace, happiness, and satisfaction in my life? What should be the new directions in my life? Am I happy where I am? Where can I? What are my needs? What are my dreams?…

11. I am grateful for coming to home and coming to my senses about my healthy life style plans. I have not done well during the trip, but i have seen how good choices I have made the first day. This is a good reminder to keep going.

12. I am grateful for my family and good friends. Their love, humour, support and sincerity makes my life a lot easier and lovelier.

13. I am grateful for the relaxing music I am listening to now. It reminds me my need to stretch and being mindful. See what is important; what is not..

14. I am grateful for my blogging experience; I have missed reading, writing, and interacting with my fellow bloggers. I have been thinking the other day; no matter how depressing or problematic is a time-period in my life, I always have, find, and do things that I like and cherish. This experience is one of them.

15. I am grateful for being grateful. Honestly I started this post to feel better (which I do not…), as writing my journal always cheered me up in the past. I will accept this as what it is; I will accept my feelings as they are. Tomorrow will be another day 🙂

16. I am grateful for having hope 🙂

trips, business meetings, lost luggages, and thoughts

Trip #2 done yesterday and the last one is starting tomorrow morning 🙂

I have had an interesting and somehow painful business meeting; the competition and unprofessionalism peaked time to time, which is always annoying. Despite all the turbulence, I could manage being able to stay calm, positive, and constructive.

In business, the relationships are fragile and establishing a trust environment is a must. When, though, one person or group is stronger than the others, this balance is hard to serve everyone equally. I did my best, but we have a long way to go. I come back thinking that if it does not serve me better, I may as well leave this group and my role. I am okay with that. I can dedicate my time, energy, and nerves to something better and more meaningful. This thought gave me a relief.

I also am glad that I am going thru these experiences. I learnt that If I was to lead such a group in the future, I would do things differently. I would be 100% transparent for example. It would not be only about my, my interests, or my people’s interests that I would protect, but everyones’. I would be fair and dependable. It would be a win-win situation. Like any leader is supposed to be. I am happy to learn and notice.

The airline lost my luggage and I only got it back this morning 🙂 Imagine going to an important meeting with the travel attire; it was great that the hotel had a laundry room that was open 24 hrs/day. It was also awesome that I had extra stuff and my pajamas on my backpack, together with other personal items. In the afternoon though I needed to take a cab to go to a shopping center and buy new clothes for the dinner that was held after the meeting.

I will write a complaint letter to the airline and request reimbursement for some of the expenses I have made. They do give me $100 for my clothes but nothing else; who cares if my personal and professional life is negatively affected by them losing my luggage? I do…

This is not the first time they have lost my luggage and honestly it is a miracle that they could bring it back to me today. Right before my third trip tomorrow morning 🙂 The good thing that now I do not have to prepare a luggage – it is already packed and ready to go! 🙂

re; my healthy life style plan: I have done well in the first day of the trip, but the second and the third day were not so good: I have eaten desserts, cookies, pizzas…. Oh, boy..

re: budget: went well, except the funds required to take the cab to go to the shopping center. I should be okay with that.

Missing reading the blogs and writing posts. Hope to catch up later!

random thoughts

What a beautiful day – it is Friday, a little bit cool but okay, and the beginning of the long weekend 🙂

When I was young, I used to dread Sundays, as it would be full of activities to get prepared for school (homework, laundry and ironing, etc.). Usually the TV would not be cheerful, either (i.e. did not stream nice movies or series). Also the streets would be quite for some reason (everybody was busy at home preparing for the week?).

Maybe 10-12 years ago, I decided to enjoy my Friday nights and Sundays, in addition to Saturdays. That meant that the “enjoyable” weekend consisted of 2 days and 3 nights (Friday-Saturday-Sunday), not only Saturdays. That felt good 🙂

And now that we have Monday off, that means I have 4 nights and 3 days for the weekend. I will continue to declutter my living room (sorted out around 200 books to give away; I expect another 100 when I am finished), I will meet with my friends, do the house chores and possibly clean and declutter my entrance deck, read books (going thru my books was amazing – I have so many interesting books to read), and just relax and enjoy my time.

Wishing everyone a great Friday and long-weekend 🙂

random thoughts

Working from home in the last two days was very refreshing and effective – a big document is now almost finalized, which always gives contentment and happiness 🙂

All of a sudden today, the temperature got low. I do not know how low but even the jacket was not enough to keep warm. I will have to wear thicker clothes from today on. I think the summer is officially ended…

There are nice things about fall, though. The cooler temperatures makes me wear thicker clothes, which somehow makes me feel like I am pampering myself. This feeling originally was born when I purchased a dark brown short coat with a feathery-collar. The warmth around my neck was always something I had appreciated. While this coat is long gone, I imitate the feeling with scarfs in fall; it does help feel the same way (i.e. pampered). Also, I love it when the trees change colors; what a nice scenery the fall brings to us..

My efforts to declutter my living room, however slow, continues. I so far checked 30% of the books and sorted out those that will be donated. That translated into 2 large bags of books to be donated. I suspect maybe 3 or 4 more bags to come till I am finished. I feel like I can donate more books, but it is so hard to let them go especially if I have not read them lately. I gotta change my mindset about the books at home; I should see them as a library where there are many treasures to be read. That sure will help me to read them this time. And if next year I find out that I have not read them, then I should donate them, too.

I am thinking about purchasing a domain for this blog; but I am hesitant. When I decease, this blog should not decease with me (i.e. if I stop paying for the domain, they say they inactivate or remove the blog). Any of you have ideas? Cons and pros of switching to a domain? Please leave comments – Thank you.

thoughts awaken by a poem – cont’d

What is it about those people we argue, get upset with, hiss to, but nevertheless care, like/love, and miss?

I have some idea, which make some sense time to time; but then none…

Sometimes I feel like arguments are a way of communication; maybe it is what is helping us to connect. Can there be a more pleasant way of communication? Certainly it may, but for some unexplained reasons, with some people that is what it is..

Maybe we get upset because we have expectations from them that remain unmet; or because whatever they do/say (or not) hurts only because we care about them a little bit more than usual and each reaction evokes some strong emotions in us (upsetting feelings, happiness, excitement, etc.). This level of emotions created by such individuals is what makes them unique to me.

So, eventually what happens? I do not know; I guess people continue like this happily and with an acceptance of each other. Or slowly disappear from each other’s lives with no farewells, no further arguments, no bad-feelings.

Or, maybe we can stand being neither with them nor without them. Maybe then it is best to end the relationship/friendship/acquaintance. But, who could blame me for missing that person years later then?

Unless I really cared then, I would not care now.

That is all I have to say.

thoughts awaken by a poem

There is a poem read by a great voice actor that I have been listening since yesterday.

It is about life; our need to be hopeful, our need to be loved, our need to never lose those we care.

This poem makes me remember the lost moments, lost self-expressions, lost opportunities, lost loves, lost hopes. What is it about the experiences in life (and people) that we cannot take then, but miss terribly later?  There are people dear to my heart but did not call for so long (negligence). There are people with whom I have sore interactions (sometimes ego; sometimes necessity – it is better this way for both sides).

Can the negligence and ego let go before any of these people are lost?

Of course they can.

Can we really make sore relationships “normal” again?

Well, that depends – it involves two people. What are their wishes?

Hard to know, but is worth trying.

random thoughts

the last three days feels like fall – it is grey and the temperature is less than 14C. I am having a hard time reminding myself this is June 🙂 It is great that I am going for a long trip to a sunny place soon; I am sure my body will appreciate the warmth and sunlight.

I am feeling bored nowadays as I have not worked well in the last few weeks – the good weather certainly distracted me and led me to leave my office earlier than usual to enjoy the outdoors. Yet, my mind is now bored and the only way to cherish is to work. Those who find something great about working would understand how I am feeling right now.

As per my financial goals, I continue to shop consciously, which makes a small, but noticeable difference. And no I did not take the bus this week yet, which feels somehow awkward. Can I start doing it tomorrow?

My mood in the morning is not great – I think this is one of the reasons for me to take the cab. I do not want to strain myself further by waiting and taking the bus. The cab takes me from the front of my house and leaves me at the door of my work place. So convenient. And convenience feels good, though I miss the self-appreciating feeling when I do take the bus. Tomorrow is another day. I can re-visit this then.

I keep eating fruits (apples and oranges mostly), drinking tea once a day, eating healthy as much as I can. At least this part of my life is going more or less as I wish it to be.

On a final note, I have been trying some fictional stories lately and poems earlier. I find I cannot keep working on them for extended periods of time – what I think about while writing is what I feel . So unless I start a comedy-centered piece, I am okay with working on them only time to time :). That also means I have developed a huge appreciation for poets and novelists.

I can only be compassionate and understanding

Since I wrote this post a couple of days ago, I have been thinking; there is so much truth to it. Yes, “there is a limit to what one can undertake”.

I have chronically low levels of energy; it has not been like this all the time; but in the last 5-6 years, this has been the case. Whether it is a natural change in the body/metabolism due to middle-age, or I have been undertaking too many work-related activities with too much of responsibility, or I have been living in geography with usually grey skies and icy, snowy, or long winters, I do not know. But, I walk less, I exercise less, and most importantly I want to do less (except the work activities).

What do we do when we have many to take care or think about? We all have lives and people we care about; the majority of us have houses and other properties to clean, organize and take care of, work and financial needs and worries are there, too. Include your health, hobbies, and wishes and plans for future. How do we deal with too many thoughts? Issues? I personally will shut down some of the issues to deal with those which needs to be taken care of immediately or that carry some kind of importance. Or, just to keep my mind occupied by other activities to give my mind a break. That means, the rest will remain somewhere out there or in my mind to be dealt later.

I can only be compassionate and understanding when the issues not dealt with come back more problematic, as I cannot deal with all. It is okay to shut down, relax, and recharge when it is needed. It is okay to prioritize and it is okay to err in prioritizations.

This is not “losing”, this is not “giving up”, this is not “not fighting up”.

This is acceptance. This is being human.

honestly random thoughts

I found myself thinking about things not necessarily worth writing an entire post about. So, instead of losing them forever, here they are;

1. why do we not have “good news” channels or newspapers? I had heard one newspaper once a year would only publish positive news. I applaud that newspaper and I hope they will consider doing this everyday.

2. why do I have a tendency for physical laziness but not mental one? I love writing, reading, thinking, analysing but I seem to have lost my aptitude for physical exercise, walking, moving around the house, etc. When did I become this? and why?

3. I am not sure why I almost always miss Thursdays; seriously almost everyday has a meaning or task attached to it, but not Thursday (Tuesdays are quite similar, too; but at least it is close to Monday and as such still feels like the beginning of week and as such has a high energy….). While having a conversation with one of my colleagues today I realized it was a Thursday… Thursday; the day before Fridays. Thursday; the day almost always indifferent or forgotten; Thursday; the day reminds me that the week is almost ending but the work has not been taken care of.. Thursday, the day I have no idea what is happening….

4. I could not get used to the day-light savings thing… I keep getting up an hour later than before. I keep not bothering myself about it. That being said, when am I going to get a break from the work? And when I get it, what am I going to do? I obviously cannot spend time at home (boring), shopping requires time and energy (though once I am in the shopping mall, I usually feel energized 🙂 )….

5. My primary plan (to help break my routine, to help feel excited/positive) should be to find things that will be interesting to do. Art galleries? shows? new book-stores? (yes, yes, yes!!) 🙂 Oh boy…. Book-stores it is…

joy journal – March 9, 2015

It is good that I feel like writing my joy journal today, too.

I had a habit of writing it everyday, which was quite a pleasant experience. For some reason, I do not write it everyday anymore. I am not sure why, but I am pleased that now I would like to pen them down here.

1. I am grateful for feeling better today; optimistic and joyful.

2. I am grateful for taking mental notes that after every gray day comes lighter ones. mental pain and confusion are transient – eventually things will be okay, as much as they can be.

3. I am grateful for my house, clothes, food, TV, computer, and cable/internet connections. they make my life safe and sound, and connect me to the rest of the world. There is so much to read out there and learn. Share, too. Sometimes, I feel like 24 hours is not enough to satisfy my curiosity. Life is good. At least I have things that attract my attention and make me curious. Vola!

4. I am grateful for sleeping well – I could get up early but I did not. I went to office late and did some light work. I left it early, too. The sky was so nice today; blue and bright, even though it is an icy and cold day. I decided to go enjoy my life by visiting my favourite book store this afternoon. The time I spent there is usually incredibly peaceful and relaxing. i chat with the owner of the bookstore – he also realized I had not been to there in the last 2-3 months! I used to go that bookstore every saturday and sunday. My primary relaxation and enjoyment. I cannot believe I was away for so long, but now that the weather is getting better, I can start visiting it at the weekends again.

5. I am grateful for 3 books I have purchased today. One of them is particularly good and captivating. It is about stress, its effects on the body, and the ways to control it. Considering how stressful and depressive I was last saturday, what the author wrote in that book all made sense to me. I am thanking the author for understanding and writing this book for people like me. I felt “understood”. That is priceless.

6. I am grateful for relaxing today. I understand it from my breath. The quiet and deep breath…To be able to notice is amazing; that means my mind is not busy with many little things.

7. I am grateful for thinking that I can take tomorrow off. I have been planning to take one or two days off for some time, but had not had the chance so far. Today was so relaxing that I think I will take this opportunity and continue to be away from the office while I can do it.

8. I am grateful for a work-related problem being almost resolved today. we still some work to do but it is gonna happen. It is quite a relief and one of the important lessons learnt in my career. Experience makes a difference, lessons create wisdom.

9. I am grateful for being calm at the office today. There has been an unexpected problem, but I did not get upset about it. I accepted that sometime things happen. It is a quite minor stuff, maybe that is the main reason for me not reacting negatively to it. But nevertheless I am happy to see this side of myself. I can be calm! 🙂

10. I am grateful for my pens. I have a set of pens that I bought at a small price. They run out of ink pretty quickly, yet it is awesome to write with them.

11. I am grateful for my decision to go shop tomorrow. I do not have to buy many stuff all at the same time, but it is a great break and I can grab a small number of stuff that I will need pretty soon. I am excited about this 🙂

12. I am grateful for being challenged about a project of mine last week. it did not feel good at that time, but now I can see things more clearly, and as a result, and I can explain things more clearly, too. Is that not awesome! 🙂 It made me better.

13. Now that I decided not to go to the office tomorrow, I can watch my favourite TV series that will start in an hour. Excitement.

14. I am grateful for my couch. yes, it does make me a couch potato, but at the same time, gives me a place to crawl, relax, and feel pampered. My thanks are also extended to my blanket that I have had for almost 5 years. I love its nourishing and warm colour and the warm, smooth texture.

15. I am grateful for life.

joy journal – March 8, 2015

I cannot think about a better way to continue feeling better than writing the things I have been grateful for lately. I do not know what I will write right now, but I know that once I intend to write them, I will find them, I will remember them. That is in the simplistic term an effective therapy for me. Here I start;

1. I am grateful for my family and friends; for their love and support, their well being and health. I love them dearly.

2. I am grateful for today being a sunday. I have maybe another two hours before I go to bed and I can enjoy every minute. This being said, I can enjoy any minute any time; it is my choice and my right.

3. I am grateful tomorrow is a work day – one more day at home would get boring for me. I have the choice of taking a day off if I feel like I may need time for myself, or do not want to be in the office. That freedom feels good.

4. I am grateful for gathering myself up after the depressive day yesterday. I am not sure what happened or how I managed it. It did not happen because I tried something, some way, some strategy (such as meditation, talking to friends, or so); it just happened. I feel like my mind helped itself. It feels good.

5. Despite all issues, worries, or negative things going on in my life, I am aware that I am not the only one, so I feel some kind of relief. Many people have even more dare issues to deal with; sickness, grief, financial troubles, etc. I know I am not immune to life’s challenges. I know that I will go through them like anyone else.

6. I am grateful that I have food, clothes, furniture and a house to live in.  I am thankful that I can afford all of these.

7. I am grateful that this morning at my favourite cafe, instead of working i read a magazine. What a nice change! And change I like. Routine gets boring after a while; seriously does. I need change; different places to see, different colours to wear, different opinions to hear.

8. I am grateful for my blog, computer, and the internet connection that makes this writing possible.

9. I am grateful that I realized I need a break. yes, I do. how wonderful it would be if I could afford a mini vacation, a week maybe away from this cold winter and every day routine.

10. I am grateful that I support myself fully and I am capable of facing things, however scary or annoying they may be. I am thankful that I appreciate myself and thank myself.

11. I am grateful that there are some nice voices, smiling faces, supportive and compassionate souls here and there. it is nice to hear someone offering that they can listen to me if I want to talk it happened here yesterday; many thanks you 🙂 ). I am grateful that the waitress at my favourite cafe yesterday get my coffee ready before I asked. I learnt her name and I have thanked her. That was a high-energy experience. It re-charged me, gave me hope, and energy. Thank you Jessica. I hope when you need it, you will find many people around you to support you and make you smile, like you have done yesterday for me.

12. I am grateful for not being agitated right now; a little bit maybe but not too much. there is quite a relief in accepting things as they are and letting wishes, plans, and any other thing that do not work and bothers me go. That is a great feeling. Some may say it is a failure, I say I am liberated. Point of view.

13. I am grateful for the daylight saving time being started (or ended; I do not know which one) today. I have not enjoyed losing one hour today, but you know what; this one extra hour-long daylight in the evening gave me hope. this one extra hour of light made me feel like, even though it does not show its face yet, spring is about to come. a couple of more months and then things will be brighter. It feels good.

14. I am grateful that while I was depressed yesterday, I did not whine to anyone and reduce their energy by it. All needs their energy to go through their lives. I am happy that I have not negatively affected any one.

15. I am grateful that I realize I take too much to do and along the way get overwhelmed and inefficient (as I have been lately). It is time for me to say no to certain things. It is time for me to stop during the day and do something different. As a matter of fact, that is a great idea! why do I not have a “Change of the day” section here and write down things that I did differently!! That will be awesome! Great idea! even a small thing can make a difference in my life. I am grateful that I have come up with this idea right now. Another great thing about writing my joy journal! :))))

16. I am excited for the “Change of the day” idea and I am grateful for that. Excitement is a great thing.

17. I am grateful for making a list of things that I have done as a change lately: here is my short list:

a) starting a blog ( a few months ago)

b) writing poems and short stories (I hardly did before I opened this blog)

c) buying less groceries

d) eating more carrots

e) drinking tea at home, even for time to time

f) starting yoga and then taking a break from it before it became a routine activity

g) planning to start yoga again

h) starting to work at my favourite cafe

i) not visiting my favourite book store – now I actually wished I had; it is such an exciting thing to go through the books, buying them and bringing home, and then exploring them. Due to winter I could not walk there, but you know I will start sometime soon. So it is great.

j) changing my tooth paste

k) changing my laundry detergent; it smells so good I am very happy about it.

l) not shopping large – I enjoy shopping, buying things that I will need, especially if they are on sale. On top of the things that I need, I also purchase things that will feel like a present to me; a pack of pens, some other little stationary items, something colourful. I have not done that since the holidays because I have everything now. This probably saves me money, but at the same time I should mention I missed that feeling of shopping!

writing and the mystery of feelings

Writing gives thoughts and feelings voice, sometime quite complicated ones even. I have understood a number of things about my experiences just by writing – it helps to analyze, define, and understand especially my feelings.

Sometimes though, I feel like putting feelings in a logical frame (by writing) diminishes their mystery.

thoughts and second thoughts

So it is gonna be another sleepless night – it is all right. I am not gonna force myself to sleep.

I am tired and my body wants to sleep but not my mind – my mind is full awake. There are so many thoughts going thru it; things that I miss today that I need to take care of tomorrow, second thoughts that change the next course of action.

I find myself in this situation time to time; changing initial decisions when I think about the issue at hand with a relaxed mind. I do keep missing things when rushing. Recognizing this, sometime I delay the important decisions and work as well – sometimes it is useful – I can come up with the best solution, but sometimes it just stays and stays in my to-do list and I lose my interest completely. The end result is less fun, more procrastination, and mediocre work. My take based on these experiences is to make a careful assessment but not over-do it or rush it; just make sure it is the right time with right tools at hand; all the facts, the needs and constraints, and the future implications all assessed by a clear mind. That is the optimum situation,

You may ask, “how do you know you have the right time, the complete and correct collection of facts, needs and assessment of future implications?”.

Well, I am with you on this critical question. I cannot know it in the majority of the cases. Thus, all I can do is to give it enough effort and energy and then feel that I have done my best. And then let it move on. If it was not the optimum solution, then I can deal with it later and that is okay. As long as it is not something that would hurt someone or crush our projects to the ground.

Some things I cannot know, do, or succeed and that is okay. There are plenty I can.

Sasha – part 3

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Once I identified that it was anxiety I was experiencing, one of the logical problems was solved. At first, I thought I would get better after that. Well, I did not. Not seeking professional help was a huge mistake.

I still needed to deal with the thoughts and emotions going through me; they were strong and scary. I could make my mind focus on literally nothing; I thought if I could use my analytical mind, I would get away from the irrational thoughts and emotions. Yet, my mind worked only at a primitive level and whatever I needed to use it for was hence put on hold. I am certain that my mind was paralysed. It felt like I was suspended in the air with no movement, no effort, and no energy. I was aware of everything around me and beyond, but I had no control over neither myself, my body or life, nor my surroundings. Things would happen to me – good or bad – without my involvement, consent or resistance. My entire well being was at stake, there was no safe place for me, and my fears, the fears that my mind created so generously and vividly, would eventually happen. I knew I was stuck at that invisible corner and I had nowhere else to escape. I was going to be a victim.

Of my own imagination.

-to be continued

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Sasha – part 3

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