anger

Today I am angry.

It is as if there is a huge rock on my chest that makes it difficult. Like I am carrying a lot of weight around. What is going on?

I am angry with all the people who conveniently leave their work on me and pretend like themselves are great and successful.

I swear to something – if they ever come close to me again!!!

I want to resign again, but should not. First of all, what am I gonna do without a job during a global pandemic? Second of all, why do I leave my post but not those assholes?

I have had it enough.

They make me sick.

Sick!!!

Assholes.

All bunch of them.

Get the fuck out of my life and work.

 

unhappiness

poem

——————

sometimes we must accept that

we do not have all the answers

and we cannot get everyone’s circumstances

in these cases;

empathy has the softest voice

and silence has the sweetest tune……

—————-

All rights reserved.  © https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

PS: the interesting thing is that I wrote these words in anger as a response to a comment on one of my posts about unhappiness. I hardly get upset about the comments on my posts, yet in this case I had taken the comment as “blaming” me for my unhappiness, which is ridiculous. Nobody wants or plans to be unhappy. Right?

Right.

Cheers! 🙂

the quest for happiness

The more I write about happiness, the better I understand about it.

Yesterday I wrote about it here; comments and interactions by other bloggers were great, too. I understood somethings; about myself, about happiness, and about how other individuals see it.  Thank you everyone who commented.

I understood that the definition of happiness may be not one, but many.

I understood that if the power of being happy is in ourselves, then that means we are responsible for our own unhappiness. Boy… Does that mean I am silly, incapacitated, or weak (otherwise I would be happy?). Does that mean my “happiness genes” are mutated? I strongly react against this statement; I believe things out of our control can greatly influence our chances of happiness and how we feel. I would have never chosen to be unhappy. Why would anyone choose to be unhappy? Unhappiness is not a choice. Not mine. Not many people I know who were unhappy. You cannot stand tall, laugh, and glow when you have lost or never have had things, people, opportunities, loves, and all bunch of other things that affect you today. You can choose to move on with your life maybe. You can choose to forget maybe. You can pretend to be happy maybe. But sometimes our circumstances lack the conditions to be happy. No matter how some of us try hard to be happy. Can we really blame this person for not being happy?

I understood that I could be clinically depressed nowadays as I have everything I need; I have a great family, a great and meaningful job, finances and anything else I can need in the material world. I lack no material. But I lack happiness, the zest and excitement of life.

I understood that I find in me the right to be happy. I demand happiness. I demand my right to be happy. I am rebelling against the status quo re; unhappy state.

I understood that if that turns out to be because of a chemical imbalance in my brain, I will regret not going to a doctor before. Nobody deserves to be unhappy and miss their life because of a chemical imbalance.

I understood that I am not the only one with a quest and thirst for happiness.

I understood that my happiness and unhappiness might be different than others’ experiences. As I wrote as a response to a comment; “sometimes we must accept that we do not have all the answers and we cannot get everyone’s circumstances. In those cases, empathy has the softest voice and silence has the sweetest tune“. I may not understand your unhappiness and you may not get mine. Assuming that we understand and have all the answers you or I need is not right. Discussions are helpful, but sometimes empathy and silence are the best ways to respond to someone unhappy.

I may be depressed but not even once I thought about leaving life. That makes me excited 🙂 I hope I have a long and well life in front of me, in which I will keep exploring myself, life as a whole, and become happy.

hope and dreams

One should have hope and dreams. In their absence, eventually, inertia follows and starts to win over intentions and efforts required to move up to a better place, a better life.

As I read and reflected on grief (after the death of my dad in February), I noticed that I previously grieved for my lost hopes/dreams, too. For instance when I lost the hope to marry the person I had once loved. It took me years to completely forget this person and I was in constant pain and missing terribly the happiness I had felt for my future. I had not noticed at that time, but this was one perfect grieving process.

So, what happened?

Nothing much; except that I also lost my ability to dream and get excited about my future life. I also understood what happiness was.

How does that feel?

Not great actually. I am constantly feeling the need to have a zest for life, but I also constantly fail to do so. This recurring, repeating cycle has nothing to offer but discontent, depressive thoughts, and not surprisingly, unhappiness.

Today, I have dreamed about finding the opportunities out there that would help me find a new job somewhere else; this would help me with initiating a new episode of life away from where I am right now. And that dream felt good.

I am not sure what made me feel good more; to have hope after a long period of inertia, or to be able to one day leave here….Anyways…

Do I deserve to be unhappy? Nope.

Do I deserve to be limited this way? Nope.

How many chances do I have in life? One

What prevents me from seeing the opportunities that may be out there? Only me and my mental blocks.

Will I be able to locate these opportunities at once and fast? Probably not.

Am I in rush to find them? No.

So, what should I do?

I can calm down and feel the hope and all the good feelings it brings along.

I can keep dreaming, as dreams are the ones that will give me the motivation and energy to look for opportunities.

I hope I will not lose these, too.

I do not want to grieve for lost opportunities. I want to claim them.

on happy, unhappy, and neutral mood

Today I have decided to check time to time how I was feeling during the day. In a few cases I did that I found that I was feeling okay (i.e. neutral); neither unhappy or happy; neither stressful nor un-stressful. Neither joyful nor un-joyful.

At first I thought this was not good as I am determined to make myself happy from yesterday on.  Only later I realized that that was actually not bad; I could as well be unhappy, stressful, and miserable. But I was not. That should be something to be grateful for 🙂

I remember 2 different times in my life when I had felt happy for extended periods of time for no apparent reasons:

First, many years ago when I had first moved here. I had got the greatest job I had dreamed for many decades (literally); my finances were better, and I had the job security for the first time in my long career. I could not help but feel genuinely happy 🙂 This feeling of happiness lasted around 6 months until a person I dearly loved got seriously sick.

The second one was in January this year, when I had started the yoga/stretching classes. They have had highly positive influence on my mood; I was relaxing and feeling connected to my body and myself during the sessions. It lasted until I have had back problems first and then the death of my dad at the end of February.

For a middle aged person, these two occasions of happiness may sound pathetic. Maybe it is.

But, perhaps I must explain what I mean by happiness first: when I say “happy” I mean seriously happy, elated, hopeful and joyful about everything in life and having no problem whatsoever. It is kind of different than what I have felt today, where I am neither feeling elated nor down (i.e. depressed). As a person who suffered from depression in the past, let me tell you being in a neutral state of mood is not bad, either. As a matter of fact, it is quite a progress for me.

Yet, knowing how sweet is the happy state feels, I naturally long for it.

happiness

I have many objectives in my live that I believe will make it better, make me healthier and wealthier (at least debt free). These are more or less attainable.

My life-long objective was to be happy. I have had happy periods in my life, which I cherish. These memories also make me believe that I can be happy.

Do not get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I just would not define myself as a happy person.

I just have had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is a single mom and having financial problems. On top of that, she feels stuck and hopeless. Obviously a down time for her. I could do nothing but listen to her. I understand that she is deeply unhappy.

It is selfish, but after hearing her hurdles, I felt blessed. So what if I do not feel happy? I at least did not have the challenges my friend have: I was in a safer environment, largely abundant, with a stable and awesome job that stresses me but also excites me. I never needed to think about finding the food for the next meal in my life. Maybe I am spoiled in fact.

I always believed that happiness is not a neutral state (as the state I am in where I am neither happy nor unhappy). It is rather a positive state where I smiled for no reason, looked at life and observed it rather than reacting to it, and hummed songs along the way. Life was very enjoyable then.

I also know what unhappiness is; it is agonizing, painful, and depressing. Very negative state.

I have had long, unhappy periods of life in the past. I wish not to feel that way again. So what if I do not feel happy? At least I do not feel unhappy right now.

But, as soon as I read the above sentence, something inside me started to rebel; I want to be happy!

So how do we get happy?

I have analyzed the times I was happy. I have no particular reason that I can put my finger on. It is so fuzzy that seriously if you asked me what would make me happy for a prolonged time, I am sure I could not tell you what that was.

This does not mean that I do not get momentarily happy; I do. when I see my family and friends, when I travel, when I realize something, when I have good luck in something… But momentarily being happy and being happy for extended periods of time are different; it is the latter that I am curious about.

Is it possible that we get happier as we age? i am not sure. I for sure deal with things and emotions a little bit better now that I have experience. But as I age, the probability of serious issues and experiences (such as sickness, losing someone loved, grieving etc.) also increase. I do not know, but I have been feeling like I am at the best period of my life. And I should be very grateful for it. Perhaps I should forget about happiness and accept what I have as the best.

Still though something inside me rebels…

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: