It is Friday :)

Friday is here – yay! 🙂

Today has been a good day with getting up early and working till 4 pm intensely. We are moving a number of projects at the same time and this week has been essential in figuring out some blocks and jumping over. Feeling positive 🙂

I have taken steps to make my life a little bit healthier and cooked myself chicken soup, which is always nourishing. I also purchased a number of greens, which I am looking forward to eating.

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My mind is cluttered with negativity due to work relations, but I keep my focus in the future benefits and do not allow myself to break these hard relations yet. Some people can really derail and demoralize, but the strength comes from resisting the emotions and believing in future good. But, honestly in some cases it is so difficult, but one day and one hard and ridiculous person at a time, I am surviving and lifting myself up. Rant over 🙂

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Since it is Friday, I am looking at early morning of Saturday busy with house chores. After that, depending on the weather I would like to see myself visiting thrift stores, just for the joy of it. I am not looking for something particular, maybe a book or two, or a DVD. DVDs are something that I do not use much, but last time I had seen copies of the TV series Dexter. I ask myself now – why not? I can binge watch them and forget everything!

These being said, I just registered with the local library (what was I waiting for?) and hope that I can utilize their DVDs and audio books. I confess that I have no experience with audio books but I kind of feel that I may enjoy listening to them while also comfortably resting on the couch. Let me know if you have any recommendations about audio books – it is exciting 🙂

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My plants are doing well and I am open to get new plants. Each plant is an excitement; how do they grow? What do they want to flourish? How do they propagate? Who can I share them with? I am glad to say that even though I feel like I am hoarding plants, I also love sharing them. So far, I gave cuttings or small plants to 11-12 of my colleagues! Many of them gave me from their own plants as well. This feels very kind to me. I say that because I have a colleague who only likes to ask for and constantly. I do not mind it, but then I also find the constant nagging interesting. Do you?

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This topic brings me back to people I call cheap. These are the people who have the means for themselves, often high level, but when comes to others they seem to be poorer than anyone else and can even take the things they can afford from others if they think they can get it. I know only a few people like this, but it really bothers me. Often associated with these people is the tendency to also humiliate others for not affording high-price items or telling everyone abruptly the latest expensive item they acquired (by also announcing the price associated with the item).

I wonder what would prompt these behavior in these people? Were they very poor at some point in their life (which is perfectly fine, by the way – I know a number of people who were very poor but had the richest heart and the mind I have ever seen) and now enjoy their wealth and cannot keep the show to themselves? Are they trying to create an image that would elevate their social status (who buys that, by the way? Not me)? Or, are they just poor souls that try to compensate for their internal poverty with their talks (which I would rather think is the right answer)?

How do you deal with this kind of people? I try not to pay much attention and feed their approval needs, after a while they cease to put up with their shows. I am compassionate but that ends there. For each cheap person encounter, I now decide that I will donate to a charity whatever I can to cleanse the negative emotions they create in me.

How about that??

I think it is true that everything happens for a reason, even these people that get on my nerves :)))) If I can further develop this “turning the negative into positive” attitude, I think I will be happier and wiser 🙂

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when body is happy, mind is happy too

It has been a fine day.

I woke up thinking that if my body is happy, my mood is happy too.

I am saying this because I am actually very lazy in the mornings and while I need to use the washroom, say in the middle of the night, I keep staying in the bed, cannot easily sleep as a result because my body feels uncomfortable. Ouch..

So this morning around 5am, I did what I was supposed to do and went back to bed and had a great resting sleep.

Tell me about it 🙂

I believe that my thoughts help determine my mood, but noticing that when my body feels good, my mind feels good too was a great revelation. I am almost 50 but hey wisdom waits for the right time to come I guess…

I could relate this to two other activities; walking in the morning makes me feel great the whole day and if I force myself to smile then I feel instantly good too. Go figure!

Ladies and gents; do you have such interesting body-mood connections yourself?

Tell us in the comment section so that we all can learn from each other.

Yes to life: my life – the life as I interpret it

It had never really occurred to me why I have chosen such a name for my blog. I could use my name, something that was important or fun for me, or something related to then-focus of my writing, which was poetry.

Just yesterday night it came to me that the life I define as “my life” was a part of life, and more importantly, it was a part of life I keep define based on my “interpretations of what was going on in it”.

This was quite strange, because it told me pretty much what every wise person/book was saying – I make what my life is and I am responsible for it. It also said that I was in control of it, I could change and make it better with an intention and a switch in my perspective.

How does this sound?

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Having control over my life is very liberating and empowering. It means I am not the victim, but rather the boss and mastermind of my life. I may not change what I do not like, but I sure can change how I interpret or care for them.

Having control also means that I may have so far limited my opportunities unknowingly because I draw the line for what I accept in my life, what I care for, and what I do not have.

What if I choose to have more positive light in my life?

What if I want to take steps to get out of my comfort zone and move up and farther?

What if I want to take more risks and dramatically change things like the work I have, the city I live in, or the way I spend my days?

What if I explore and find out what is more important to me – my current life and the current/future financial stability or moving back to where my family and spending time with them?

What if I leave my fears out of the door and open space for more love, hope, opportunity, and joy?

What is I accept the miracles, self-love, kindness, and being in the moment?

………..

Earth would not shatter, but my life could certainly expand.

I could both change the way I interpret things already in my life and reach out to opportunities, miracles, money, success, recognition, wellness, and happiness available out there further away from the circle I have drawn for my life.

I can be courageous enough to re-evaluate my perspective and expand the circle of life around me with a clear intention, a child’s amusing and hopeful attitude, and a little bit effort.

I do not know what these mean for me or whether or when I would start taking the steps. But I am glad that at this middle age of my life, I finally understand myself, my life, and life as a whole better.

It is mine and I draw the lines. I can change these starting now.

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slowly slowing down

I have been slowing down the work, and stress as a result, in the last two days. I am feeling good and ready to come back to my regular self. Not yet, but soon.

I developed this fear that the moment I will relax, something else will happen. So I am keeping my guard up for any new events to show up. A tiring feeling.

Next week will be busy with drafting and finalizing a project that I have been working on for some time. Including many people in it is an opportunity for a better project, but managing conflicts and everybody’s interest is not something I am looking forward to. I try to convince myself that this is neither the first nor the last time that I will have to handle such a complex team dynamic, so eventually things will be better. Eventually I will forget or move on with a valuable experience. This is good 🙂

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While I am officially off today, I went to office and had two meetings with my team  members. Since these meetings move our own work, I am happy to show up at the office. However, I realized once more how much I resent doing little work that others can do. What a waste of time for me while more important issues wait my attention/time and my team members can take care of the little points themselves with a little bit effort. That is a dilemma… I guess if I was not such a control freak and aim to do high quality work, I would eagerly let my team members to take care of the fine points. Yet the past experience says that they are still young and not highly experienced, so to ensure that we will have a good product, I feel like there is no other option, but me being directly doing the work… Tiring… But the reward is well worth it… Still resenting it, though…

I finished working at home in the afternoon and was ready to do something different. Honest to goodness, nothing came to my mind.. Shopping? Walking? Seeing a movie? Watching TV? None…. I could not even think about reading a book. I understood that my transition from fast and high-volume work to my regular work load (and mental relaxation) has not finalized yet. Give me a couple of more days…

Yesterday I made a list of things that I have done in the last 5 weeks (the start of my work staycation period). I liked what I have seen :)))) There are so much done in that period of time. Yes, it was hard on me, very stressful and threw me off my routine, but eventually I have done what I meant to do. New issues are emerging and some of my tasks are not done yet, but I keep this list somewhere close to me so that I can look at it and find motivation and satisfaction. That was one great idea that I am glad I have come up with 🙂

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I remember seeing a profile of a surgeon somewhere in Canada. He was just appointed as a director of a large unit. In that news, he mentioned something like “I am looking forward to challenges this position may/will bring and resolving them“. I always thought that this was odd, as I take challenges quite serious and it takes extraordinary mental energy to resolve some of the issues. So, I do not know whether he just said that, as it was expected from a director/leader, or has indeed a personality that can look at challenges without getting emotionally and energy-wise drained. I know some people are better in handling challenges and I want to believe that that person in fact stated the truth. This would mean that there is still room for me to develop and achieve that mental attitude.

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Tomorrow is another day. I will see what the day will bring. Until then, I am off to preparing a nice dinner and watching the X-Files 🙂

 

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is there something called being desensitized to adversity?

So much is going on, and a lot of these are going in a direction that I wish they did not. Under different conditions, even upon one such event, I would be pulling my hair and stomping my feet. But not anymore.

I think I passed the initial aggravation with the first adversity and now am going through the continuous agitation and issues with a calmer head. How is that even possible?

One thought that keeps popping on my mind is that “eventually something better will come up“.  Yes, the things are not moving well, and I have issue over issue to think, plan, and resolve, and yes some of these issues will not be resolved and I will not be able to make things that I wanted to happen. These are all related to work, by the way, which is very important for me but not as important as the well being of myself and the loved ones. This gives me serenity.

There is a saying that one door may be closed but the other may open after that. I love this phrase and keep believing in it. This requires a little bit more care, careful look and research of additional opportunities, but time after time I find myself ripping the opportunities after such hard times. The wisdom of age is priceless. I just wished I knew what to expect from the future. 

I am saddened, however, by all the efforts, emotions, and hardship endured during all of these hurdles. Darn transition from one failure to next opportunities is long, too. So my pain has not suffocated yet and brought me to the next level. But I am curious about what will come next and how these and I will shape my future work and possibly life conditions.

Learning about life, myself, my reactions, and my emotions is a continuous process, I see. 

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so what is cooking?

Nothing much.

Or, all too many are cooking all at the same time.

I say that because I feel like not doing anything but work is crazy high-speed. Today I learnt that I was invited to give a short presentation at 8 am Monday morning.

8am!!!

Monday morning!!!

You know I am reacting to it but I will do it – hopefully I will be able to get up at the right time 🙂

I have worked on my slides in the afternoon and I guess I have done a good job. I am surprised how unstressed I was along the entire process. Perhaps it is not true that I get stressed when pressured time-wise. Perhaps it is because I see a value in this presentation – it is about a project I have been developing and if I can make a good presentation and get the people interested in it, my efforts will prove to worth all. If I mess?… I do not know. All I can do is to do my best. I have learnt long time ago that everything happens for a reason and if one road is closed, then I will find another one.

Looks like experience creates wisdom and wisdom gives peace of mind. It is good to live and it is good to age with it.

 

“Enjoy the delicious part of life as well”

I got up this morning with the thoughts of “What do I want for my life? How can I get them?

This is a recurring question in my mind over many years, even decades. With the recent death of my dad and head-on clash with the concept of death in reality, I am not surprised that these questions arise again.

When I look at my life, I do see that I pacified myself with my education and training in the past and do the same my work now. It is like shutting the emotions down and focusing on problem solving. They say it is the rational side of the brain (the left side) that works while working on a problem, not the right side, which is more concerned about emotional aspect (whether or not that is true I do not know; but I know that when I focus on work, I am overall feeling better)….

I also know that a number of times I have attempted to make my life better as I wished it to be. Moving to a city or country that I love, or marrying a man whom I would see myself excited and happy with. Many times these did not happen. Many people know that I am kind of stuck at my present city, which is not bad but not great or exciting either (small, isolated city with less attraction and diversity). Yet the work is amazing and I live comfortably in terms of finances, safety (very safe city, which is awesome), and life is overall very simple and easy (which helps me have lots of time for work and myself). So there are so many positives of being here, yet there are also so many other great cities out there. My thoughts always linger towards them…

After I moved here, i have applied to only one job which I thought was better than what I have right now. It did not happen. The small number of job applications tell me that after all I should be content with where I am or my life is. I think in a lot of ways I am content. But then, why do I have this feeling of “I am wasting my life”?

The fact that I live away from my family and home always feels bad…. I should have been with my family. I should have been with my dad more. I should be spending more time with the rest of my family. yet, here I am….

I over and over contemplate about why I prefer a life here than at home and I always decide that this is better for me, even though I am away from home. This is strange and somehow hard to understand. Of course when I get close to retirement, i will reconsider this and the chances that I will go back home. But, is there a guarantee that I will live that long or find my loved ones well and alive then? I can not know.

But I know one thing; after the death of my dad, I am feeling resentment against my interest in work. I, by liking it so much, neglected a lot of things; myself and my family. This gotta change. I also realized, as my dad said a couple of years ago, “life is really short and before it ends and when you still have time, do things that will give you more joy, happiness, and excitement. Enjoy the delicious part of life as well, not always see and engulf yourself in the hard part“.

I had taken notice of this wise and somehow unexpectedly understanding advise from my dad, but I did not overly improve the quality of my life, or make changes that will give me more joy, excitement, or happiness (except that a couple of years back I had almost fallen in love, which had felt exactly like what my dad had described).

I have dreams of course. I would like to move to a South American country for example. I can still work and would be very happy to contribute to a developing country with my skills and experience. I would love the better climate and genuine people. I would love to learn the culture, history, and the language of the country. I would love to sing songs with the elderly and have laughters with the youngster. I can always do that, yet two things bother me; a) I may not be financially as good as I am now, and b) South America is even farther away from my home. So, I will not work towards this dream.

On the other hand, I can focus on my current life, which is already abundant, comfortable, and safe. There must be things that I can do now, on top of what I already have, to enrich it. That sounds like a doable plan. My only problem is; what can I change or do new that can give me this excitement that I am missing in my life?

I guess now it is a good time to read a couple of my books that tackle exactly this question. Good to know that I am not the only one and, hey, who knows, perhaps this time I can see something….

After all, there is nothing more insensible than wasting my life. I am determined to make it more meaningful and work for me. Hopefully this time, I will start enjoying the delicious part of life.

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