goodbyes

Yesterday I have read a blog where a terminally ill patient wrote a “goodbye” post after her treatment failed her and she entered into hospice care.

That goodbye post profoundly affected me in multiple ways. There are a couple of people whom I would not speak to (or they would not speak to me), whom I care about, whom I once loved but did not have a chance to make a good end to our relationships. Considering these, and also that our lives can end any time, I had a tough time yesterday.

If they were sick or dead, I would be saddened beyond their imagination. Knowing that there were things I wanted to say to clarify our interactions, apologies to make, questions to ask to understand them better, and one last hug to show that none of the things happened or did not happen in the past were important now. Knowing that we had no or little chance to do all of these, unless something drastic happens and unless we are given time and opportunity to do so. Knowing all of these hurt.

I loved these individuals more than they can imagine. I loved them deeply, as there was no end to my love for them, regardless of whatever or whoever they were or whatever had happened or had not happened between us.

I loved them timelessly, as not only one spring (where things are the most hopeful, positive, and lovely), but many years (with continuous cycle of different seasons, different grieving, reflections, and healing) passed while my feelings for them excited me, made me happy, and then tormented and emptied me.

I really loved them, as I know I would still love them if I had a chance to be with them, even it has been years or decades since I have last seen/talked to them.

Sickness and death are powerful in the sense that when we face them, then the little things do not matter any more. It becomes easy to forgive and forget all the things that helped our ego or our pain to keep us at an angry, cold, and resentful state.

It is important to say a proper goodbye, it is important to have and show compassion for each other while ending relationships. It is important to remember each other with a smile and warmness in the heart, rather than having the heaviness of negative feelings. I know they have compassion, I know I have, too. I also know neither me nor them will make a move any time soon to restore our compassion and kindness for each other.

Love you both.

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Yet it is time to let it go

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Today, Kate’s short story is ending.

It was an amateur trial of writing  an impossible, un-understandable, and painful love in the form of short text and poems. I am not claiming that I have written a good piece, but I have written some interesting sentences, interesting phrases while working on it; so I am happy with them. I have been inspired by many different events and people while writing it, for which I am grateful. Yet it is time to let it go.

There must be a better, happier, lovelier, healthier story waiting somewhere to be written; it is time to start looking for it.

cheers

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Kate’s short story – LXXXIII

cheerful poem

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they seem not to know

how lovely I have seen life

how different I was too

when I was around you

I have no anger left in me

to encounter this

so I cry, I cry now

whenever someone asks

why the hey did I love you

but not anyone else

they seem to forget calculations

or maybe it was me

that among all, billions of men

I chose you, what the hey! 🙂

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Kate’s short story – LVI

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I have never been that much in life, with life

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I looked at your eyes and I entered a new world

distant and unnoticeable no more

as if it has been the world I was born for

as if my life has had only one purpose

of preparing me for that magical place

by so far depriving me of it

so that in a split second

I would know where I was supposed to be

I looked around and all was clear, brighter

life hopeful and beautiful

the colours I have not seen

the words I have not uttered

the songs were more beautiful even

my heart has never been lighter

my sight sharper, my senses higher

I have never been that much in life, with life

that is what it is in me that has craved hurriedly

for you, for so long, endlessly, tirelessly

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Kate’s short story – LV

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there is a day I do not want to see

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there is a day I do not want to see;

when they tell me that you are gone

do not love me, hate me, all is fine

just do not die before me

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Kate’s short story – LII

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getting close to accepting the defeat

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I hope, my love, one day you will love someone who loves you at least as much as I do.

I hope you will find the sparks, excitement, happiness, and contentment with that girl who deserves you, your gentle manners, your wonderful character, and your lovely laughter.

I hope she will always cherish, respect, and love you; do the right things for you; make you laugh often; give you a warm hug and keep there when you need it; care for your health and well being; relentlessly support you in all of your endeavours, and admire you like nobody else.

I hope she will love your voice and make you hum happy songs all day long; lift you up when you kneeled down, stand next to you when all is troublesome, and be proud of you when you solve all. I hope one day you will marry her and have the daughters you wish for. I hope my love you will be the one to give me these great news.

Have the determination to open your heart to the beauties around you. Share yourself more so that all can know your greatness and human side. Be happy beyond your imagination. Write those pieces, produce those programs, and take the most spectacular photos. Even if life cuts short and none or only some of them happens, know before we perish, how thoroughly, passionately, and tirelessly you were loved. Despite all. Despite by me.

None has touched both my heart and my life as you have, none has left me with myself so fast, so many different times. I love you. One part of me will always be thinking about you, loving, caring, and admiring you.

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Kate’s short story – XLVII

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the funny poem

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I can feel the excitement I would have; butterflies around me

white, light blue, and red; flipping and singing a serenade

I would walk around the house excited, with a smile on my face

looking at the mirror I would see myself, ah! how to turn into a date?

I would put my little hairpins on – the ones that I love so much

my dress would have to be perfect, so would be my shoes

I do not know how many times I would check everything

change dresses, shoes, hair, oh boy, where is the girly muse?

in the middle of this chaos, the phone would ring

you would say you are on your way

I could not know what to do until then, or worse yet

when you arrive, ah.. shyness does not pay

but excitement and excitement! my heart chirping

I would get the dress, the shoes; forget the hair – it is hopeless

do me a favour, my love, put me at ease

give me hug, silently smile, keep me there

say it is gonna be all right, no matter what

this one date I wanna flare.

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Kate’s short story – XLV

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self reflections on a poem re; one part of me is yours

In an earlier post, I had come up with a two-line poem:

one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else

I have since been perplexed and mesmerized by it because I am not sure whether it is the most romantic or the cheesiest thing I have ever said.

If not cheesy then, what does it mean? What is its significance? What was I thinking while writing it?

I sometime have free-writing sessions where I just type down things as they appear in my mind. That poem was a product of such a session, though I certainly had an inspiring person in my mind. So sadly, I cannot know what was going through my mind at that time.

But I contemplated about the other questions. My current interpretation is that she refers to her feelings, thoughts, care, and memories about him (or maybe just her heart) when she says “one part of me is yours”. That I would say is a romantic thing to say, though one can question why she was his only in part but not entirely. Realistically, one part is good enough. So I will leave it here.

While the first part is a simple but powerful statement, the second part is overly a cliché (e.g. treasure) and an over-generalization (e.g. more than anything else), so there is a little bit of a sharp turn here. Anyhow. But I understand that she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much. Why? Just because it is his? I think that is a critical question to ask but I am not sure whether I have an answer to it yet. Additionally, she sounds overly protective of her “part”; I would say she is determined.

These being said, I need to go back to the section above; “she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much“.

Even more than him??

When I reflected on this question, I realized that the entire effort to find a meaning, a label for this poem fell apart. I realized that she does not have him. All she has of him is her “part”. This is her only connection to him; if she loses her feelings, thoughts, memories about him, she loses him. She loses her love. That is why she values it that much.

This poem is not romantic or cheesy; it is a very sad poem.

my love, I can not lose myself in love

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I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

my feelings; those little birdies

new to life, curious and excited

so innocent, so shortsighted

I am excited mostly; just sometime cautious

what will happen to my feelings

once they meet with yours

they can get crushed

they can get cherished

in cherishment is the hope

and the hope I dream

however excited I may be

and my feelings daring and keen

my love, I can not lose myself in love

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XLI

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I have not lost myself in love yet

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I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

I can not lose myself in love yet

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XL

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there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you

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I could not convince you and now I cannot convince people who care about me. Nowadays there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you M. As if you are unlovable. As if I am not capable of loving.

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Kate’s short story – XXXVIII

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that was a girl to move the mountains for

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I forgave myself and then remembered

the way I was, the feminine side

the girl next door, sweet, lovely, and cute

with nice nails, hair, and dresses

with an adorable shyness

and inherent, challenging toughness

that was a girl to move the mountains for

you made her fall for you with your charm

yet misread her outer calm

feeling defeated, you let it stand in the air

with no care, no feelings to dare

she drifted away mending, understanding

when she knew and eventually opened up to you

you denied all, sought for esteem of your own

and enjoyed every bit of her misery

her tears and years lost to you

became your cherished victory

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Kate’s short story – XXXV

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I realize I am jealous

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love seems to be everywhere

in songs I listen to

in cards I get, in stories I read

in excitement of a friend

who is getting married

there is no escape from this

twisting, evil pain in my heart

that bursts in flames

shouting at my face

you do not have the love you want!

pained, void, and deeply bruised

I realize I am jealous

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Kate’s short story – XXXII

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Do you know what that makes me?

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You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

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Kate’s short story – XXXI

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You had what I could not and I had what you would not

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It is true that the more I loved you M., the more I disliked myself. You were kind, nice, full of joy and life. I have never seen you upset or mad. You never talked before thinking, never hurt anybody’s feelings. You always knew the best music, the best CD, the best movie, and the best art show to share. Your manners were exceptional. You always smelled good, walked and talked at the right pace. Your voice was soothing.

You had what I could not and I had what you would not; I could be mean and hot-headed. I snapped pretty easily. I never thought before speaking, and I said whatever went through me. I hurt a lot of people’s feelings just by this. I apologized to more people more often in a single day than you ever did. I walked and talked fast, especially when I was nervous. I hardly was an art-fan or something. I could stink when I sweated. My language was dry, my words were short, and my voice was hoarse. My manners were, meh, just average.

to be continued

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Kate’s short story – XXI

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nutty love

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I get it; I went nuts

I am doubtful of what I say

what I think, what I feel

my mind is a star away

I keep thinking

how can I be both happy and in pain

because of a love unattainable

I feel on the edge again

many thoughts float in my brain

if it continues like this

I will not be sane

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Kate’s short story – XVII

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end content

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two nights ago

a thought crossed my mind

“this will end one day”

it said

realizing the truth in it

maybe for the first time so naked

I felt the urge to live and panicked

I did know that

I would either regret

not having been with you

or be content

knowing that I did love you

I will not get to choose

which one will show up in my mind

to prevent the regret

forgetting you till then

would be the best

yet I will take the risk

I wish to end content

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Kate’s short story – XVI

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Changing directions

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In the entire story, two things are constant; the hurt and confusion created by ever changing directions of my emotions. One moment I am so profoundly in love with you; nothing and no one else matters. My entire existence is you, thoughts about you, longing for you. And the next day, I feel simply nothing towards you. Sometimes, just sometimes, I just hate you.

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Kate’ short story – XIII

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unassuming of you (#1)

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no Sir,

not yet

you seem not to

have shared

the best of you

and you tell me that

I do not get you?

no Sir,

not yet

without mutual laughter

and time spent together

I can not be guilty of

unassuming of you

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Kate’s short story – XII

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while waiting the end of “us”

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I trashed everything that reminded you. But memories are the worst; how do I bury a part of me?

Nevertheless, with a strange pleasure I can say that it has been four days…I was not able to feel anything for you.

Neither love nor hate.

I did not miss you.

I did not even cry.

There has been other times like this before; none so long, though. I had estimated that over time they would get longer and longer. Then, one would be “it”. “It” would be the end of “us”.

While I cry over you, I often find myself humming “Come What May” of Moulin Rouge; one particular line I like – “suddenly my life does not seem such a waste“. It is such a fragile line.. What happens if one replaces the word “waste” with “mess”?

ah, yes..

There will be an end of us.
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Kate’s short story-V

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the poem of heart

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we all were wrong

it started as a joke
then stuck around
yet I got it serious
and I was into it
maybe it was your joy
may be your loveliness
for whatever reason there I was
waiting you

one fall evening
you gave me a flower
finally thought
you would ask me out
waiting long enough

I asked a friend
“T, do you think he likes me?”
he said with sadness

“no, he does not”
my heart sank…
we all were wrong
and I was
the last one to know
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Kate’s short story-IV

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love comes and goes

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Love comes and goes; that is my observation.

It is such a fragile thing, love is; it is like an unstable chemical that one moment there with all of its intensity requiring all the attention for its needs and then the next time, it is gone … no more the exhilaration, no more the joy, no more the excitement, no more the demands of it.

Nowadays I feel like it does not exist any more and I find a kind of serenity, peace in it. Deep down, though, I know I in fact find a great pleasure for its non-existence towards him. That is possibly my ego talking and if my ego was not strong enough, then I would be deeply saddened by its non-existence; is not my love toward him what I loved more than him?

Things will change soon;  I will choose practising kindness and forgiveness and my ego will subsidize as a result. I will start feeling the intensity of it and its demands from me again. Like someone/something that I cannot say no, I will give my whole attention to ensure its survival. It will drill my heart. I will shed tears.

Human heart is a primitive thing and human mind is a calculating one. This duality is what bothers me most about love.

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Kate’s short story-III

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the sincere poem

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when I was there with you
I had a glimpse of life;
it was beautiful
and exciting.
and I was plain happy.

Happiness, one I got used to too quickly.

did I love you?
I have been pondering over and over again
I cannot know the answer;
as I do not know why I loved you
before and then
but then I came to realize that
when it is just an internal monologue,
it is not love anyway.

but I loved myself when I was with you;
a happy, excited, soft, and expressive intense creature!
Boy! I loved myself then
and now when I remember!

if you are going to stay angry at me
go ahead do that
but if you think you cannot forgive me for that
you are plain wrong

Kate’s short story – II

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