I have had a long and positive Holiday season this year. I had to work on Mondays and Fridays, but this did not prevent me from feeling relax and peaceful, and enjoying my life a little bit better.
Notable positive experiences include:
- cleaning the house – which took three days but was worth every minute & huff and puff
- decluttering and donating unwanted or unused items – which felt great. It was like many of the unnecessary burden have been lifted off my shoulder and my life was in order again. Highly recommended
- visiting a sick friend – which felt great
- purchasing some items from thrift stores that made my life brighter, easier, and enjoyable. Among them are a little night lamp that fit my bedroom so well, a food processor that I wanted to have for a very long time; now I can have carrot salad more often; a porcelain teapot that I have been trying to find for a few years to replace my current highly battered one; and several pots that are adorable and admirable – this is always a unique pleasure. I feel like I have got the best of pots from thrift stores
- finding time to recuperate and feel less pressured and stressed; watching Netflix and enjoying my time; cooking wholesome food with pleasure now that I spend more time on my 1st floor thanks to the new TV and Netflix
- having an account of the past year and entering the new year with hope, great plans, and determinism
- reflecting on my relationship with my family
I feel lucky to be able to find the items that I have been looking for with such an affordable prices.
I feel great to have assesses my last past year and see how much I have accomplished.
I feel proud of having a routine more like a “normal life”.
I feel encouraged to make even further changes and improvements in my life.
These are all positives.
I feel, however, conflicted about the thoughts and feelings I am having on my relationships with my family members. At one hand, I love them so dearly. But on the other hand, I resent. I realize that I feel guilty for not being there with them and caring for them. This is especially true for the parents. This is not something new, but facing it that raw is.
I came to a point that it will be better for me to accept this guilt and move on. I have done my best to keep contact with my family and help whenever I can while also tried very hard to build a life for myself. Having a family somewhere else with expectations from me and frustrations about myself have always been nagging and dragging me down…. The more I sought for acceptance, I think the farther possibility it became. Or, it was always there, but I could never expect it and, hence, could not see it. Hard for me to know. But this explains why I always felt like not settling anywhere and feeling low self-esteem as a person. Family approval, believe or not, is so important in one’s development. But I am at an age (around half a century) where I can let go off this need, right?
As, I said earlier, it will be challenging to accept this guilt and end seeking approval from family and their consequences, but I must.
With these in my mind, I also have great plans and wishes for 2020. I plan to pen them later in the day.
I wish you all a great relationship with yourself, your family, and the world as a whole in 2020! 🙂