Sunday morning musings

Good morning everyone – I hope you are enjoying this day.

We have a bright day outside, which is always a treat for us folks during winter. I plan to walk a little bit and get fresh air. Seeing snow all white and fluffy (sometimes; some other times it is just that dirty snow banks – ugh) gives me some sort of serenity. I love it and cannot wait for my walk.

I am currently enjoying my coffee. I have already browsed through the news and social media. Feeling connected and informed by what have been going on around the world.

The COVID-19 pandemic is going on (duh!). Many folks are still in lock-down, some have stricter, some have more relax regulations. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 10 months for us…. I remember the initial days – how I sent my team members to home earlier, advised them to take personal items with them, and make sure their personal computers can function to continue work. I have been used to work at home, so it did not affect me too much, but going out and shopping was the one that bothered me most.

Then came the news of more deaths, more people affected. International borders being closed and travel becoming a hurdle. We all hoped for vaccines to come along, which now are available to lucky countries and bunch.

The moment we thought we had hope with the vaccines came the news of the new variants. At first they said that there was no evidence of the new variant being associated with higher mortality, only higher infection rate. The last few days I have been hearing that now there is some sort of evidence that it may be more deadly.

One wonders how long we will go ahead like this and worry about ourselves, family, friends, neighbours, and global population overall.

I think the answer is as long as we all can.

The other question everybody has in their minds is how we are going to recover economically, socially, or otherwise. I have no idea… Today may as well be the best day economically. For example, we expect some job cuts soon. Will it affect me personally? I have no idea. But it will affect many people, if it has not already. So, let’s enjoy what we have already, folks. Tomorrow we may not have jobs, or our salaries and benefits may be cut, or we all may feel like doomed. Let’s not let this get into our ways. Not yet.

I had heard once that a library was looking forward to the diaries that pen down the experiences of individuals during the pandemic. What a great idea. I feel like we are in the middle of a historic moment in human history. I expect many novels, collections, and movies describing our experiences in the future.

But more importantly, how we all have adapted to this situation. What worked and what did not. Just like the 1918 flu pandemic, perhaps we will leave important clues for the next generations, for the next pandemics and infectious diseases, or catastrophes.

I am aware that none of these are new to you, so this blog entry is rather meh (at least this is my own assessment). But I felt like writing these down. I am lucky that I have not lost anyone I know to COVID-19 and live in a place with rather low numbers of active cases. I am one of those lucky people, who just happened to be in the right place in the right time. I feel guilty rather than lucky, to tell you the truth….

The other day I was having a conversation with an acquaintance and she reminded me that we are all connected – all life forms. We in fact are.

Stay safe and connected.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

random thoughts

It has been a week that I am on anti-depressant medication. I think that there is a slight, at least, difference in my thoughts and emotional reactions. I think it is working and the best response is yet to come.

The foster cat Mona has been good, but had an episode of vomiting and constipation. A visit to vet has ensued and today she is fine, but I gotta watch her the next few days to make sure she poops. Yes, you heard right. I am looking forward to seeing her poop. Never thought I would be that interested in poop, but since it is important for Mona, it is important for me.

We have had a bright day today and even though it is chilly, life is good and easy. We will start to get snow soon, and I am excited about it!

random thoughts

The cool fall is upon us. It is very enjoyable. We can expect some snow in mid November. This will change the game to hibernation season 🙂 Our winter is long and we get too much snow dumped. But, life continues and eventually Spring comes.

I have had a busy week. the more I try to focus on important things, the more small, urgent stuff appeared. That meant in some cases I did not get perfectionist and sent my letters/emails at around 90% perfectness. Acceptable, isn’t it?

It is.

I also, for the first time in a very long time, did not fill feedback forms I was supposed to, to help my unit’s assessment and future plans. Rather, I sent a short email with my main points. I will let the administrative staff to use my email to communicate to others.

You may ask yourself “What is the deal with these two examples?“. Well, I used to follow all directions meticulously and put my best mind forward. Sometimes, it is too tiring and requires too much of my time and energy. While I have energy, my time is getting less and less available with each big steps I want to take. So, to save my time for what matters most to me, I had to change things and how I operate.

I am proud of myself. The change and deviation from my usual work practice is little, took me a long time to implement, but I made it eventually.

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I have been thinking about love and fear. When I feel dependency or attention, I get scared. I get distant.

I have been extremely interested in my freedom. It works wonders for me and I love this life-style. I do not need to care for someone, or cook. I could not make a mother, to be honest. This is how I feel. But, sometimes, it feels okay to care for something, a cat for example, and provide love & safety. Even though it restricts my freedom. Loving a wonderful creature should not create fear. It should create excitement.

This is how I finally convinced myself and decided to foster a beautiful kitty, Mona, yesterday 🙂

random thoughts

It has been a good day.

We have had frozen rain and the trees are surrounded by ice, making it an incredibly beautiful scenery.  While it makes it difficult to walk on the streets, when I am inside I could not help but fill with joy and amazement 🙂

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It has been a good day also because while I worked I did not feel stressed. One of the things that I prioritize now is to keep good relationships with my colleagues. It is such an important and positive experience that I am glad I recognize it and make it a priority. Often times small gestures such as a smile, showing some kind of understanding, or complementing their work makes things warmer and better. I love this feeling.

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Talking about complementing others’ work; I found that my institution does not really have a culture of appreciation. Since I have craved for it for sometime, I decided I can start or contribute to build it by paying appreciations when it deserves. In the last few weeks, I have sent positive comments to colleagues, a unit I volunteer at, and my boss for the specific and great things they have done.

I am not kissing ass – do not get it wrong – I rather recognize the value and positive impacts of their behavior or actions. I think many of us do not take time to do this, while it is important. I think this kind of positive appraisals help keep and encourage the great behavior or work. I am glad I am doing my part. I also feel great having positive thoughts for others. Selfish? I do not know, but it is a win-win situation.

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I cannot believe it is Wednesday already. Time has flied recently. The last weekend was a long weekend. I mostly spent it at home working. I am glad I have, but then I kind of think that I could also use this long weekend to care about myself, enjoy my life a little bit more, etc. Oh, well. There will be other times.

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May is around the corner. Last year it was a time for me to get interested in plants and succulents. This year I am interested in bonsai :))))) Luckily and interestingly I think a small tree is bursting out of one of my plant pots. I will be looking for a shallow container to re-pot it into and with excitement see how I can grow it and keep it. Exciting!

Have a great Wednesday night everyone!

it turns out that tomorrow is Friday

What a surprise! 🙂

I just realized tomorrow was Friday and as such there was one more reason to be joyful today 🙂

I have had an easy-going day at the office today and this makes me feel good 🙂

Friends, I may try to be joyful yet, it does not change the fact that we have an incredibly cold and snowy weather here. This morning I waited for the bus for maybe 4 minutes and my fingers were almost frozen. I have gloves but I guess I must wear woolly gloves rather than leather/synthetic ones.

The scenery in such a snowy day is amazing and very enjoyable. I think we expect more snow early next week; are we looking for a snow day? Goodness, I hope so 🙂 You may think that I would rather be asking for the opposite and be at the office more so that I can finish work. I do want to finish work, but honestly I have enjoyed being away from the office in the last two weeks, so I wish for this to continue a little bit more now. Can you blame me? 🙂

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I could not work as much as I planned today, but I did what I could. There is an important document that I must send tomorrow, for which I have been waiting the input of a colleague of mine. He is away and I have not received his version of the document yet, so I am feeling on the edge. While by working together we all can do much better and bigger work, when not everybody works and does their parts at the same time, it does not move much. I will have to find a way to fix this tomorrow. Now I rather make a conscious decision to enjoy my time.

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According to my calculations, I have saved around 350 bucks from my salary since my last pay cheque. This looks less that what I wanted to, but it is better than nothing. I have no planned expenses coming this week (other than grocery and regular bills), and for grocery I only have a few items to pick this week. This may mean that I can save a few more bucks.

I know that if I do reach the $500 savings level once, I will be more motivated to keep saving after that. I really am focused on not making any unnecessary expenses within the next two weeks (that means no thrift store visits), no socials, no gifts/donations (I can do these later), no hair cut (my hair cut is long due, but..), no cabs (please no!), no books or any other items. I just need to pick laundry detergent this weekend – that will be the only non-grocery item I am planning to purchase.

Saving money, finding ways to maximize the value of the money (sales, use of points, etc.), and feeling fully abundant are empowering. I know there are a number fellow bloggers out there who are on the same journey as I am. Off to reading their post to get inspired now.

Have a great night everyone. I hope 2019 is treating you with Ease, Comfort, and Appreciation 🙂

 

random thoughts

A very busy day, it is well worth it. This week seems like a highly productive week with many long term tasks/projects being coming to an end, as such, is highly charged and satisfactory – I could not be more stressed and excited at the same time! 🙂

We woke up to 15 cm of snow dumped during the night. The roads were in bad shape, but the cabbie made it to my building safe and sound. It was quiet around the building, which I assume is because of the many people not showing up to work. I do not blame them – I hope they have had a lovely day away from work.

My anxiety levels are down, but I keep feeling overwhelmed. I feel the need of winding down and showing compassion to myself. That means no work for the next few hours. I plan to reflect on the positive things that has happened lately and realize how I fit in the center of all of these. Hard work pays off eventually; my efforts are met with results; I turn the work around to my best; and I feel less stressed as a result. At least, I must 🙂

I had read many years ago on a newspaper of a newly appointed manager of a unit. He had expressed that “he was looking forward to the challenges everyday may bring“. I never understood this, as challenges do not sound pleasant or easy to deal with. One of the constraining issues for me was a new addition to my team, which requires a lot of attention to help them keep moving. In some ways I feel pressured to spend time and train personally, because the skills this staff wants to develop requires my direct involvement. How do I deal with this “challenge” in these time-pressuring times? By further stressing and feeling inadequate, of course.

The last few days I was trying to think differently and open myself to “opportunities” out there. I did not necessarily think about the new staff, but I think this case is developing into an opportunity; she sent me some information (which she developed herself) that solves some of the problems and also demonstrates that they can develop these skills without much involvement by myself!! Is that not wonderful? 🙂 

When the mind is strained, it is so easy to close ourselves and turn blind to the opportunities and rather move towards challenges, I guess.

By the way, last night two of my previous staff emailed me; one became a mom and her baby girl is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen 🙂 The other one wants to see me sometime, just to catch up and I could not be happier to do so 🙂

These are the moments that make this job something I thank for.

 

good neighbours

My next door neighbours are the best I have ever encountered in my life – it is a couple at 60s and young son at around 30 years of age. I have seen nothing but help and kindness from them. They are also the only people that I consistently and lovingly gift during the holidays. Considering the fact that I am not into gifting at all, you may rightfully realize that they must have deserved this somehow. And they do.

After the snow storm yesterday I took my time to enjoy my coffee and go through the emails. I then decided it was the time for the dreaded shoveling of the front door area. My neighbor was out and had already done my door! This is not the firsts time she does that – she says she loves shoveling, which is an extra exercise for her. For a women in her 60s, this is amazing.

I helped her moving the snow at around her vehicle and we chat along the way. The neighbour from across the street also mowed the snow around our houses. We had a little chat and said thanks. The white stuff brings sometime the best out of people.

Snow storms may be a nauseating experience, but the feeling after this out there shoveling, chatting, and having a laughter or two is priceless. I love this feeling of being a part of helpful neighbourhood.

Wishing everyone a great neighbourhood! 🙂

snowy and windy night

We have got our first snow storm – yay us! 🙂 

It is quite windy as well making me nervous. There are a number of trees in my yard that have tall and shaky branches. Why did I not get them trimmed the last summer/fall?

I will answer that:

I was busy, even though the idea crossed my mind several times. Bad choices. Or bad priorities.

Anyways; as soon as weather becomes bearable, I will call someone to see whether we can do this now.

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The wind is shaking the house a little bit and is worrisome. Last year we survived a wind storm that moved the roofs of some houses in my area. What an incredible experience. This time we are crossing finger that over night the wind and snow will subsidize and things will turn okay. Okay means less snow but snow and less wind but not this wind. We shall see.

I was naive the other day when I said that I loved seeing it snowing. Obviously forgotten how it felt to shovel in cold and while the rain or snow batters my face. I walked to a nearby store this noon to pick something and I thought this was the end of it. Humans seem to forget the nasty weather easily, especially when they have a warm and long summer and fall, like we have this year. Naive=silly=there is nothing much to do=suck it up.

Hmmm.

I can hear a vehicle outside hoping it is the snow mover. But no. Must be someone brave or in urgent need to go somewhere. 

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Does that occur to your town too? When there is a warning of bad weather like snow storm, do people raid the grocery stores and get everything they can find? Last year I was not able to find milk one time and half of a huge store was gone. We all have food, but I think sometimes it does not feel enough. Panic? Maybe. An alternative opinion, which made perfect sense to me, was that people would go grab stuff thinking that the new ones may not arrive soon after because of the weather. That can explain a part of it, though I must admit I never thought like this and shopped.

Anyways, I turned my lights off knowing that in some areas people had lost power. In this chilly weather we could preserve whatever we can to help the others. I have had black out twice here. In both cases it lasted less than 24 hours but staying warm in unheated house and trying to keep calm and not thinking whether this would last longer and if so what could be done. Panic and lack of hope is not something we are looking for.

Where ever you are, take a moment to be thankful for being warm and well-sheltered tonite.

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Saturday morning musings

We are looking at a lovely Saturday again and I cannot help but take my time to enjoy my coffee and the hope that the day may bring 🙂

I woke up early today which helps with my “taking time” routine. When there are enough hours in front of us, it is easier to relax, is it not?

I have a number of things to do today and I was thinking whether having lots of things to do is a good or a not-so-good idea. At one hand it helps me with boredom (what am I gonna do if there is nothing scheduled?) and on the hand hand it also makes me feel like rushing to start and complete things. Good kind o f stress? I will leave it to you to decide.

Our weather forecast says that we will have a snow storm or something like this today. Canada has been embracing an early winter the way I know and I am not surprised that our shoveling season will be open as of today. Nevertheless, I keep thinking that we would usually not get snow until after January, except last year we have had a couple of snow days in December. I got to remember that through a post of mine from last year – how wonderful that is? Our blogs are serving as a great memory books for us. At least for me. What a magnificent tool.

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I think I just completed 3 years with this blog. What a great evolution I have had; I wrote poems, short stories, ranted, shared great news, reflected a lot, started bread, pickle, and jam adventures all in front of your eyes. I have also got to know some of you through your posts and interactions at the comments area. I learnt, I got inspired to change/improve, and I laughed and sometimes I cried with you. Virtual communities exist and change us in many ways.

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Now it is time for me to start cleaning the home and hopefully start the pickling and jamming 🙂 I will be trying strawberry marmalade today from frozen fruits and I cannot wait to see how it will turn out 🙂

What else to expect from this snow day?

Have a great Saturday everyone! 🙂

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joy journal – Nov 30, 2017

1. I am grateful for pampering myself in this long and tiring period of hard-work. I eat food my body craves for, I keep myself warm and cozy, and I make my daily life as comfortable as possible.

2. I am grateful for the snow we have had today! The first real snow of the year, which is always delightful to watch. The slow fall of the flakes, the white sky, trees, and roofs, and the need to drink a cup of hot tea. Magnificent! (remind me these in three months when I will be completely fed up with it 🙂 )

3. I am grateful for two productive meetings today. One of them motivated a team member of mine and the other myself. I had asked for a favor from a colleague of mine and she did it during this meeting.  I feel awesome 🙂 She was great really.

4. I am grateful for receiving the garbage collection schedule for the new year in the mail. It will help me remember to leave my garbage and recycle bag out on exact dates.

5. I am grateful for the new cardigan I got from the thrift store this weekend! It is a lovely piece, very soft and cozy, and keeps me warm. Come to think about it, this past year I almost renewed half of my wardrobe by purchases from thrift stores. They did not cost me a lot of money, they were fun to look for, and a delight to use. I feel lucky 🙂

6. I am grateful for working at home and finishing up a report. It is due Monday and I think I have done really well. I had decided to draft it just 4 weeks ago, immediately after another big report. I was tired and exhausted then, but was also motivated to start this one because of its benefits. I have got quite a support from my colleagues and superiors who have seen its draft form. These make the time and energy spent on this report just fine 🙂

7. I am grateful for my elbow feeling better thanks to physiotherapy. I never thought that it would be so beneficial considering that I waited like 5 months after the initial injury. Human body is a miracle and medicine is awesome 🙂

8. I am grateful for tomorrow being Friday! I have only one meeting in the morning and the rest of the day I am free to finish small tasks and maybe go visit a thrift store. After all, I feel like I have deserved this break and the excitement to see all bunch of diverse items and clothes. Have you ever thought why we can find more diversity in thrift stores than regular retail stores? Very interesting.

9. I am grateful for being interested in life and work, although the latter has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. While the work place has been toxic, I found an opportunity to engulf myself in productive work rather than resentment. This feels like a good luck to me.

10. I am grateful for my computer, internet connection, and everything else I have that make my life comfortable and enjoyable.

11. I am grateful for being grateful.

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Things that I appreciate myself for today:

1. I appreciate myself for working hard and seeing the benefits of it, even though my nerves seem to be on the edge
2. I appreciate myself for keeping a simple and abundant life
3. I appreciate myself for saving and investing for my future
4. I appreciate myself for stretching
5. I appreciate myself for liking and getting excited about little things in life

 

 

random thoughts

It has been a long and productive day. If you are like me and have a busy work, please make it a priority to have no meeting or other commitments for at least 2 days a week. Do what is important for you and your work in those days. Nice and easy. And enjoy being independent of others and free of distractions.

I recently started this prioritization and benefiting quite a bit of it. I am also planning to remove further unnecessary tasks, commitments, and activities from my calendar now. We must care for ourselves if we want to be happy with our own performance, and helpful to others. After many decades of reading about time-management, I am curious why now I have come up with this plan for myself. I must have had it…. I am glad I have had it because this is working for me.  

I was bored of being home early (around 5 pm) so I thought I would either sew something or read a book. I oped out for a book and guess what? I re-started reading The Class of Kings, the second book in the A Game of Thrones book series of GRRM. Boy, it has been a year that I left it in the middle as it is one of the most boring book I have ever seen. Would you, would I expect this from this series? Noooo… But it is so true – officially this is one boring book. I have been told that if I can finish it and move on with the third book, things would get better. So let’s hope that will turn out to be true for me. All these things I have done for the Jamie Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Sansa and Arya Stark, and Tyrion Lannister :))))

Weather-wise, we continue to have snow and rain and everything else in between. Those of you who have sunshine, blue skies, and warm temperature, please take a moment to reflect how lucky you are. You really are lucky 🙂

 

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random thoughts

Our storm continues with heavy rain, rather than snow, and with high winds. It has been a wet, cold, gray, and miserable day, but luckily not a snow-day. I worked whole day at the office and one of my co-workers gave me a ride back home. What else do I want from such a stormy day? Maybe a cup of tea 🙂

I am determined to try to sew a collar again this weekend and start a new blouse project. It is the collars that screw everything most – once I do achieve sewing one acceptable prototype, I know I can keep progressing….. But  there were three trials so far and all were fails. I know I should be more patient and keep going. Eventually I will know how to best handle it. After all, there are so many people who can do a collar. Is there any particular reason why I cannot make it?

I did not think so.

Confidence and determinism are rare traits sometimes.

I have watched a number of youtube videos. There are many different ways to sew a neck line. I can do this! 

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I have not posted my “weekly budget check” this week. It has been similar to previous weeks where I saved by shopping items/grocery on sale, minimizing anything else. The only difference was that this week every morning I have taken the cab to the office. This was partly because of the bad weather and partly because of my need to feel good about myself. For some reason, I am not sorry. Perhaps one or two days I could rather take the bus, but in the other days taking the cab was the right decision. That is why I am not sorry. And the fact  that money is not everything. And the fact that it is okay to prioritize comfort every once a while 🙂

I wonder what the future years will bring. If our economy was not this bad, in the coming years we would expect to get salary increases. This would be nice and help me to make further plans to pay the mortgage off. I have a little increase coming in April, for which I am grateful. But knowing that our salaries will probably not increase, in contrast, may even be reduced after that, I am feeling disappointed.

The other day I was thinking: what other expense I can reduce in my life? How can I get more income? One of the options is to get a roommate – but this will not happen without sacrificing my comfort and freedom. I wish I had a basement apartment where I could rent. At least that would feel like some kind of freedom. But in terms of the expenses, I cannot cut my cable-phone-internet combo; I sure can walk more frequently to office once the weather becomes more permissive; I cannot sacrifice from my grocery and food any further. None of these can happen without reducing the quality of my life or my life style. I can reduce the expenses related to my social life, but hey it is already not too much. So what do I do?

Nothing much. Cherish what I could achieve so much, aim to save as much as possible (possible is a great word here) while also enjoy my life. That is pretty much it.

2017 has been the leanest year in terms of my spending so far. Since it is March 31st, I thought it would be a good idea to check my finances. I usually do this at the end of each year, but it is good to know how I am doing in terms of budgeted categories.

Notable financial accomplishments/facts are as follows: 

1. I am spending much less money this year than before

2. I am walking in the mornings whenever I can – the first time in winter this year (well, okay this is not completely a financial achievement, but an important change in my life this year – so I will keep it in the list 🙂 )

3. I have made an effort to consume the food in my pantry and freezer and it worked really good for me

4. I started to make mortgage prepayments this year and it has been going well. I am more motivated than ever to keep saving, however  little it can be, and use it to make a pre-payment

5. My weekly allowance (of $120) has never been over-spent so far and I am constantly saving in my fund funds (these are the funds left from the weekly allowance). If it continues like this I will have an extra $2,000 – 2,500 at the end of the year in my fun funds account. This is additional to what I predicted that I could save this year. Maybe I will use it for my enjoyment, or maybe I will use it to invest/pay mortgage. We shall see 🙂

6. Of $6,000 funds budgeted for socials, personal care and cleaning products, hobbies, medications and other health-related expenses, gifts, and all expenses other than my weekly allowance, I spent around $1,000 so far. Considering that it is the 1/4th of the year so far, this number is good. I should keep going frugal in these areas, as I happen to shop a lot during the November-December to take advantage of the sales. I hope to keep within this budgeted amount this year.

7.  My chequing account is healthy, above $0, and as usual, I continue to contribute to my RRSP and TFSA investments biweekly. The only thing is that despite all the frugal life-style, regular savings to improve the chequing account has been quite difficult (because of the increased tax, pension contributions, and mortgage payments) compared to the last year. Nevertheless, since it is in a good shape, I am grateful for whatever I can do and I am determined to keep going. 

 

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random thoughts

We are waiting for yet another storm in a couple of days and naturally I shopped this evening and stocked up some fruits and veggies.

I am not looking forward to this storm yet; I am not interested in shoveling, not going to office and not taking care of the work, and spending another day inside. 

But what can I do?

Nothing much. So, I may as well choose to enjoy it, should we get another snow day or two. As a matter of fact, I think it will be a good opportunity to try sewing a simple blouse again. We shall see how this will go.

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There are talks about “firings” to happen in my organization. The provincial situation is really bad and it shows itself in the lay offs. The morale is low and the future uncertainty and the fear of being without a job or its benefits are giving me a chill. I feel for the people who are laid off so far. Sometimes I think if that to happen to me, rather than feeling saddened by it, I should gracefully accept, collect myself and my belongings, sell my house, and go for a trip for a year or so. Just to find myself; just to figure out what I want in life. What I need in life. Without too much of thinking – like I have always done. Freedom should feel good. It always does.

This being said though, I would not like to lose my job. I do not wish to lose my job. So, I hope this kind of freedom will have to wait till my retirement. 

Since the current provincial government is pretty interested in increasing the taxes, firing people, and reducing the contributions for important services, such as schools or hospitals, our future looks pretty gray, including pension plans.. One wonders how this government could take such extreme measures and created such a depressing outlook for our current life and the future one? This feels so surreal; not having the safety/security and hope for our future while we put 100% of our minds and hearts in to our works and the daily economy. I am very disappointed. Perhaps it is for the best if they let us go and we find jobs and lives somewhere else. That crosses my mind so frequently. But, I should stop giving the wrong messages to my subconsciousness. I like my job and I would like to stay. I do not wish to lose my job.

Looks like my mental judo about the prospect of bad economy, seemingly impossible retirement, chance of being fried, and a currently secure/safe job, and my need for it and everything else it does bring (salary, benefits, a sense of meaningful life and efforts) will continue some time. I hope the future will bring positivity rather than desperation.

I want to continue to like life.

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random thoughts

I always found March-May kind of tricky; they feel like spring but then they are not. As you can guess, yes we are expecting another snow storm tonite. I am sure it is not going to be a snow day, but boy, do I really want the freedom to walk without thinking about the snow banks or ice? Well, looks like I will wait for sometime for that.

Nevertheless, I walked this morning and it was a pleasant walk. I had my dental cleaning appointment, which went well. Only that I have been cranky lately and that meant I was not complying with everything. For example, my dental hygienist suggested that I have an additional X-ray, which I refused. She might have had a good reason, but I am not getting an X-ray unless it is absolutely necessary or recommended by a dentist. I am proud of myself for saying NO, which is easier when I am not in the mood. Also, it helped that the hygienist made me extra annoyed by asking all bunch of personal questions, spending time like this, and making me pay for an extra time. Next time, I am making clear that I am keeping the time to make sure I will not be charged more than the required, especially while also being subject to a ridiculous conversation. So, that was how I started my day….

Anyways; after that it was better. First, I felt hungry and bought some muffins/baked goods and ate them with great appetite and enjoyment 🙂 Since I usually do not have breakfast, this was a nice change that I appreciated very much – I can do this more often 🙂

The rest of the day was not eventful, for which I am grateful. I walked back home and prepared myself a healthy meal. I still have 10 pounds to shed (that I gained lately), which bothers me. Yesterday, for example I was miserable thinking about it…. Yet, I want to feel positive, rather than negative, and believe in myself that I will take the necessary steps to start removing extra fat from my body… This evenings’ meal was a good example of healthy meal (cracked wheat salad with lots of onion, tomato, celery, pepper, and parsley 🙂
Hope I will keep this determination up 🙂

gifs by:http://giphy.com/gifs/jerseydemic-26xBwFcBGPLNfGbkY;http://giphy.com/gifs/leslie-jones-by-isa-s41e13-Av72crBYNiEYo;http://giphy.com/gifs/cat-loop-relaxed-wu29mJA7MXBzG;http://giphy.com/gifs/yay-brad-pitt-gif-pounds-VGJPsBvlsHDyw

random thoughts

I cannot believe we have reached to the end of February!

This year has been passing quite fast. It is hard for me to believe that it has been two months since the holidays when I had 2 weeks off.. Wow! Two months…. It feels like yesterday!

The nice thing is that the three months of our winter has passed. The Spring will be here in May – that feels good 🙂

We will also have the daylight saving times reversed sometime in March – that means we are looking for lighter and brighter days ahead. That also feels good 🙂

This winter has been harsh here in Canada, my friends. We have had a lot of snow days 🙂 It has also been interesting: for the first time in my life here (around 8-9 years), I have walked in the morning to the office from home in winter. I think I have done that in January first and, now, whenever I can, I am aiming to do so (like today)…

What a sense of freedom it gives me and what a great way to relax my mind and work my body. I am awed that I am not afraid of ice or falling this winter (which was the reason that stopped me from walking in winter at the first place).. Change is always possible I guess….

That experience also tells me to question our assumptions and decisions, even though they are comfortable. Perhaps they can be re-assessed and reversed, and the new normal would turn out to be exciting as my winter walking adventure 🙂

Nowadays I particularly feel like walking. I blame partly boredom and partly the fact that I get up early, and as such, end up with having lots of time at my hand 🙂 I walked last Saturday and Sunday around 2 hours each day. And I am planning to walk similarly this weekend. I hope I can make this. My plan is to walk to the shopping mall on Saturday, just to grab a couple of tubes of yogurt 🙂 Let’s see whether the weather will be permissive (if it is raining or heavily snowing, I will not certainly do this 🙂 ) 

Since I walked this morning and did not take the bus, today was also a day that I spent nothing! 🙂

Is that not awesome 🙂

I never thought that that would be possible, but now I can see that I was not thinking careful enough – it certainly is possible. Anyone can do this “no spending days”. Give it a try, my friends, and let us know how you feel. It certainly feels weird and sweet at the same time 🙂 🙂 

gif by:http://giphy.com/gifs/europeana-winter-Q3cJvgxtBUtqg

 

the 2nd snow day in a row

Wow! We have had today as the snow day as well!

This is the first time I have seen two snow days back to back.

Man, the old man winter this year is sure quite energetic. Or furious.

If I were a student, I for sure would be happy and excited about these snow days. Yet, I was rather bored being at home yesterday and today. I am sure I am not the only one who felt that way – I know because I have seen a couple of people on social media expressing similar feelings.

One can ask why we cannot even enjoy two extra days as paid holidays? 

Sadly, I have no answer to that…..

———————–

Now back to my lovely hibiscus – rose hip tea with lemon juice and honey. Keep warm and enjoy your evening everyone! 🙂

acknowledgement: gifby:http://giphy.com/gifs/snow-siMYarzDqIBMI

another snow day

The snow day! 

Had we not have another one just last week??

We had….

This winter has been kind of strange – the one with the most snow days and the earliest (we have had one or two snow days in December). While my street is not in bad condition yet (total snow around 30 cm), we expect this to continue till tomorrow morning, so who knows how many times I will get out and shovel to keep my tiny “tunnel” connecting my home to the street?

 

acknowledgement: gif by/from:http://giphy.com/gifs/lost-CJLezn9jaRGgw

snow storm and neighbours

Snow storm has passed leaving around 2 meters of snow bank in front of my house and making me anxious about whether this snow bank would hurt my house, especially the window facing it…..

It is strange that my neighbors, even the ones across from my house, would shovel their snows towards my house. Where does this come from? Please keep it in your own area. I had to step out a number of times and kindly ask my neighbors to keep the snow on and around their sides… Sigh… One thing that really ticked me off today… Kind of inconsiderate…

I continue to feel agitated mostly because of work-related issues and the snow bank-neighbour issues. Yet, I am supposed to feel good about my life and myself. So how do I find this balance?

I guess it is time that I focus on the big picture, relax, and find the confidence in me that I can handle everything well 🙂

 

 

while waiting for the snow storm

We are waiting for a snow storm.

Well.. This is winter and snow storms happen all the time. So, I wonder whether you asked yourself what the big deal is and why I write a dramatically titled post about it? 🙂

I will tell you what the big deal is.

Everybody is shopping and there is nothing much left in major stores. It is as if we will never get food anymore.

I usually do my grocery shopping on Thursday. So yesterday I have been to my store. The store was filled with 3X more people than usual. And for the first time in my life I could not find milk.

Milk.

How can you not find milk in a store?

 

And how can this continue the next day; obviously some of my co-workers came in work late, stating that they were out shopping and their line was too long. I checked my store this evening to see whether I could get milk and it was the same (except that I found milk this time). The cashier and I were chatting. I told her what one of my co-workers had said this morning; people shop because for a couple of days the transportation (of food) is affected by the storm. So, it ensures that we will have food after the snow. Hmmmmm. The cashier said that this was not true (though I am not sure how independent her thoughts are)..

Anyways.

It is possible that there may be something really catastrophic  happening and we may not have access to external food and other basic needs for some time. But I am hoping the chances of having such a situation is quite slim. So, I am cool about the entire stuff and I am glad that I have food at my house, and I did not get crazy about the entire shopping thing.

 

the sound of shovels

The weather is really acting; we have had snow, frozen rain, and the rain all within hours…

I shoveled the ice pellets from the front of the house and heavily salted it. Many of my neighbors are out and abound too. It is a normal part of our winter lives to hear the shovel hitting the road; one shovel at a time…Slowly without much of a rush…One of my neighbors had told me that his grand dad died suddenly while sitting on his chair after shoveling. “He had a good life and good death”, my neighbour said.

I had read somewhere recently that shoveling or physical activity in cold weather may tax the heart; cold through the open parts such as hands, feet, and face may slow down the blood circulation, which may lead the heart to work harder. It does make sense to me and I wonder whether that is one of the reasons that shoveling is usually done slowly. After reading this, I started to slow my shoveling too (I was usually like a machine focused on finishing the work at hand, a.k.a. shoveling – I consciously am slowing down now).

I hope all of you out there who are shoveling take it easy, and return safely back to home to a hot cup of tea or soup accompanied with fresh home-made biscuits, and your loved ones 🙂

 

 

 

just another lovely day

I have one more day left at my staycation.

Honestly, I am getting bored being at home, and not being at the office, which is a great sign 🙂 I am ready to go back to work without any resentment. What a pleasure! 🙂

It snows in a slow motion with trees and fences covered by thick fluffy snow. I enjoy looking at this scenery and sipping my coffee, while also listening to a relaxing music.

Have a great Monday everyone 🙂

random thoughts

It was a kind of “oh well, I think I am getting down with something” day…

I think the windy weather is making me kind of sick; it is quite strong and when it hits, it hits.. Time for the hot chocolate 🙂 Lots of it 🙂 🙂

The wind outside is quite concerning; I am so grateful for my house standing tall in this weather. We have had a strangely cold, snowy, and windy week. Two days were snow days and this evening was certainly not great. I managed to go to grocery store nice and easy, but when I had left, the snow and wind were just beating us. It is great that my house is very close to the store 🙂

I have socials to attend this weekend and I am hoping (yes, I am..) that we will cancel them. I am supposed to have a hair cut; clean the house; do the laundry; shop at a mall for my needs; and then attend an early dinner tomorrow – how am I supposed to do all of these, while I also feel kind of sick and cranky and the weather is crazy?

Nevertheless, I am hoping that at least the weather will be better, I will feel a lot like my regular self and enjoy my time as it develops tomorrow.

Have a great Friday night everyone! 🙂

 

 

random thoughts

There is snow on the ground. I has been snowing constantly but lightly the last few days. I have mixed feelings about it – I love seeing it fall from the sky when I am inside, but when I need to step out of the house, it is a mess 🙂 The slushy, wet, or icy snow has never been appealing to me. As a matter of fact, the icy one is scary..

If you are living in a city where the sidewalks are cleaned and salted, please take a moment to thank your tax dollars and city for doing this very important preventive measure for you. My current city does not and as a result, pedestrians like myself often walk on the road if there are snow banks on the side walk (or when the road is less icy and more clean than the sidewalk). Not safe for the pedestrians or the motorist alike…..

Anyways; I have had some sad news today. Someone I know has lost her second son yesterday. Both sons died young; one in a car accident and another one in an attack (he was a police officer)…. I cannot imagine how the parents are feeling….. They have no children left…. May they find the strength to carry on… I am profoundly saddened.

My sister once had told me that my dad had a long life and he would not wish to die after any of us. She was right. I am quite saddened that my dad has died, but today I have found some peace in knowing that he did not see us dying.. I think this is what he would want.

Anyways; this weekend was interesting and more or less relaxing. I have 2 weeks till the holidays and I am so looking forward to it. I have many plans that I hope to pen down sometime soon. After all, it is the anticipation that makes things more exciting 🙂

Have a great Sunday everyone! 🙂

random thoughts

A cold and snowy day!

April and Spring…Yeah right 🙂

The scenery from my office window was amazing with snow covering the trees and roofs of the houses. I must say I will miss snow. The truth is the winters here are so long that after a while it kinda becomes the “normal” weather. It is enjoyable. It is beautiful. It does not bother anymore. Spring and summer become distant realities, if not dreams…. And with June, we kind of notice the change, the warm temperatures, and maybe more than that, the awakening of the nature. Spring, after all the snow and dark days, really surprises me every year. Very interesting experience indeed…..

When I was in Toronto, winters were colder, but the sky was always blue and clear. It did make a huge positive difference in my mood. So when I moved here, more than the huge amount of snow dumped every winter, it was the lack of sunlight that bothered me. After all these years, I might have just adapted to the lack of sunlight. Or, it may be the vitamin D supplements I started to take in the last 6-7 months that makes me not requiring sunlight as before… Hard to know.

I worked long hours today, mostly at home. Until 8 pm I was busy with documents. I feel good working and taking care of stuff, especially if they are going well. Today was just one of these days. Now I will focus on relaxing my mind by watching TV shows or reading blogs. I gotta slow down my mind to go to sleep.

I noticed that in the last few years, I do not require 9 hours of sleep anymore. It is maybe more like 7 hours. I had read somewhere that as we age, we would need less sleep (since our physical activity levels would reduce over time). I do not want to believe in it as I am reacting to aging 🙂 but, no – seriously – my activity levels did not change in the last few years, so I am not sure whether it is the reason behind my reduced sleep needs. But I must say this gives me more time and an opportunity to go to sleep late. So, I cannot complain 🙂

Have a great night everyone 🙂

today’s bits

It snowed so lovely today I wished all of you had seen it (yes, even those who live in warm climates). There is something nice about seeing the sky white, the large snow flakes slowly moving down, and the trees covered in soft snow….

I realized today that it has been years, if not decades, that I actually made a snow ball in my hand. I have tried it this evening while walking back home. To my surprise, the snow did not stick and I ended up with only a tiny snow ball (with a diameter of an inch or something) in my hand 🙂

Anyways, snow made it easy to walk on the road; even though there was ice underneath snow (it provides an effective cushion). I came home not feeling bad about my choice of walking this evening.

I did not go to yoga/stretching classes since last friday or something. I hope to get my back pain lessen till next monday, when I will attend a class. I have another physiotherapy section tomorrow afternoon. Hope it will be helpful…

I have a long (3 hours meeting tomorrow), thinking of which makes me tired and bored already. The fact that I called for that meeting does not make it easier. We have some stuff to discuss, which probably will take two or three 3-hours meetings. Man….

This week I do not need to purchase a lot of grocery – I could not consume what I have bought last time yet. Plus, I was planning to eat mostly protein-based food, yet considering that within the first week of such a diet I gained weight, I am dropping it. My pantry has many food awaiting to be consumed.

One other reason I have gained weight lately is that I keep eating at night. I cannot sleep and I find eating helps me get sleepy. Very unhealthy situation. And the reason I cannot go to sleep easily is that I keep watching TV series or movies on my laptop till late, even in my bed, which hyper-activates my mind. I should try to stop that..On the other hand, browsing on the net in bed is actually very enjoyable. Quiet a dilemma I have.

lee

 

 

yet another snow day

Yet another snow day today 🙂

Looks like we have had around 25 cms of snow overnight. I did some shoveling without hurting my back and opened a narrow passage from the steps of my house to the street. It is so tiny that I am but laughing when I see or think about it 🙂

I used to enjoy the snow days years ago; I used to work much harder (always at the office) and that is why I would appreciate a day away from the office and working with the comfort my home would offer me. Or watch a movie or something. It was truly an “off day” back then.

I am working at home today, too, knowing that both my back problem and the snow days are delaying my work. My performance has been going well and I am very pleased with this. I hope to have some time off from working in the evening.

Since I cannot sit on my couch just yet (because of my back pain), my only discomfort now is sitting on a chair. I am looking for sturdy chairs online. When I find a good and supportive one (i.e. supportive to my back), I will buy right away. That is somehow making me sad as I really loved snuggling on my couch with my blanket and computer. Alas, it is time to find a healthier option.

Stay safe and warm 🙂

 

today’s bits

A lovely day, albeit with lots of snow in front of the house, on the streets, and anywhere else I can see.

Yet, I waited for the bus this morning in an open bus stop; I should say rather 1 meter away from it right on the road (the sidewalk was completely occupied by a ~30 cm high snow – no way that I am immersing myself into that mess). Thank goodness there was not a lot of traffic and even though the bus was late like 15 minutes, I managed to be safe and get on the bus.

In my old days, I would automatically take the cab, especially in this kind of weather. Now, I am happy to take the bus. What an adventure for me…

The fact is that nowadays I am getting up with more energy and with a positive mind set in the morning, which make me relaxed, less stressed, and willing to catch the bus.

I am not sure what I owe this nice change in my life. I thought about three things;

1. I may have more energy now as it turns out the iron supplements I was prescribed to 3 months ago are working well and my iron levels are within normal levels. yay! I will continue for another 6 months, this time with one pill every other day. I am grateful that my body is responding well to the supplement. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙂

2. The yoga classes that I started at the beginning of January have a very positive effect on my body as well as my mind and spirit. I am more centered, relax, and in tune and connected with my body, and I feel overall very good. These positive feelings may be promoting better mood in the morning.

3. And of course, I have a much higher motivation now to keep up with my budget and protect my money by taking the bus but not the cab in the mornings. So far this year it has been going really well (well, it has been just 3 weeks, so I cannot generalize it yet; but I am very grateful and excited about my reduced spending so far and increased ability to save money – hope that will continue like that..). Even during the day at the office, sometime I find myself remembering how well I have done by taking the bus rather than the cab and that makes me feel good 🙂

For someone who suffered from stress and lack of energy the majority of the time, especially in the last 7 years, the experience I have had lately is so precious, so happiness-creating for me.

I am very grateful for these developments in my life and happy to share with my friends here 🙂

 

today’s bits

We ended up having 20-30 cms of snow overnight. While the street was very quiet in the morning and the cars were remaining where they were, to my surprise it was not a snow day, and off to work I went 🙂

It was a good day, full of nice coffee, conversations, productive meeting, and some work done. I left the office afternoon for an off-site meeting and I managed to walk in the streets. I could not help bu notice the snow banks along the streets. The height of the snow banks time to time gets quite high and I keep wonder why the city does not try to find a way to remove the banks… For us, it is a regular sight in winter; they are white and fluffy at the beginning and after a while get harder and turn their colour to gray… Stuck with all the dirt they can get in the streets – this is when it becomes a particularly annoying sight.

My prediction is that these snow banks will remain until the end of march, refreshed by new snow that we expect in the coming weeks. Unless we are hit by extensive rain of course.

Nevertheless, it is good that we passed mid January now. While our winter well spreads across April and sometime May as well, I know over time its effects will lessen. In April we should get more sunlight and in May the nature starts to bloom…. what an exciting feeling it is to see that – cannot wait 🙂

I am re-starting my yoga classes this evening; I hope to relax both my mind and my body. Especially my back, which has been aching in the last one week. I will take it easy for a couple of sessions and after that I hope to have a stronger feeling back. I am looking forward to that. I am also supposed to start physiotherapy sometime; it should also help me to prevent further damage to my lower back.

One thing I have not developed a solution for is the way I sit at home. Since I love to sit on my couch, I hardly have a straight posture. I may want to move on the recliner again, which has a stronger support for my back and shoulders. Without this kind of improvements, I cannot expect to help my own back by attending yoga or physiotherapy sessions. That would be silly really. So I better start being wise about my posture and give it a priority.

That is what it is so far. I wish everyone a great, relaxing, and lovely evening and night 🙂

joy journal, Dec 5, 2015

Looks like I have not written in my joy journal for a very long time….

Partly because I was busy with other useless posts (such as healthy life style journal, which I now happily ended) and partly because I was busy with reading all I can find about the Game of Thrones series 🙂

Time to re-start this wonderful experience.

 

1. I am grateful for sleeping well and getting up around 9.30 am. The night was restful and I have even seen a dream. I do not remember it now, but it was, like any dream, interesting.

2. I am grateful for the coffee and bagel I have had in the morning, while also checking my emails and social media sites – always a delight.

3. I am grateful it is not snowing today; after yesterday’s dump, the streets are cleaned but the sidewalks are still under snow banks. Walking is a challenge but at least we do not have ice yet.

4. I am grateful for cleaning my home and ventilating it by opening a window for an hour or so. I was not planning to clean my home this week as I have to work. But I did it anyhow once I started cleaning the kitchen and the bathrooms – I am feeling pretty good about this 🙂

5. I am grateful for working, for wanting to work, and for progressing my work.

6. I am grateful for shopping this afternoon; I have catched some sales at the grocery store and saved quite a bit.

7. I am grateful for the pumpkin pie I have purchased frozen today; I have baked and eaten it. It made my home smell great and it tasted just amazing.

8. I am grateful for my warm and safe house in this chilly day.

9. I am grateful for having the night to myself. The night times are the best; they relax me; I can read, watch, or write. Freedom..

10. I am grateful for my internet connection and computer that make this experience possible.

11. I am grateful for my interest in the Game of Thrones that makes my mind focused on things other than work itself; reading about this TV series/books has become my favorite past-time activity lately.

12. I am grateful for not being a racist, discriminative or stereotyping person, or a plain asshole.

13. I am grateful that no matter how much people annoy me with their discriminative behavior, racism, or horrible characters, I keep my cool and my mature behavior.

14. I am grateful that even though I am angry with some people because of their wrong behaviors, now I choose to enjoy my weekend.

 

 

 

 

yay, snow day! :)

It is a snow day today; what they predicted yesterday was true. We have around 15 cm of snow with horrible road conditions.

I did not go to work as my workplace is closed for the day; do not we like our employers that help protect ourselves?

Snow day means a number of things for me;

1. I have to shovel! Boy, give me a break; for months now we will be shoveling. There is no place to shovel the snow on the sidewalk along my house; so the sidewalks are now under the snow banks. I hope not to get a penalty for this. While it bothers me, I also see shoveling a great way to exercise 🙂

2. I gotta try a different cafe close to my home, as the usual ones are closed. This cafe is a noisy and crowded one, which does not give me enough serenity to work in. Yet, their coffee is the best – so I cannot complain 🙂

3. I gotta work; there has been no snow day that I did not need to work. A lot actually. I do not know why that happens.But, as usual I am happy to take care of stuff, while also thinking that this evening I can relax by blogging, surfing the net, or by watching the TV.

So all is well on my side on this snow day 🙂

random thoughts

We have had the first snow yesterday!

Oh, boy.. It looks good. The trees and the roads are covered by the thin layers of snow. I realized today that I love this kind of scenery. I know I will complain about it and the winter, especially after February (because of ice on the roads, the snow storms, the shoveling adventures, and lack of sunlight), but today I am enjoying it big time 🙂

The work went well. As a matter of fact, I have worked up till 6pm on a document. It is moving really well and I have revised it after I came back home this evening; we are on the right track. I am excited about this. Working feels good 🙂

The day light saving changes made the daylight in the evening shorter; but for sure it also helps me to enjoy the dark evenings more, as there are more people now on the streets after the sunset. For some reason, I happen to like that. I should take my camera with me so that I can take pictures; there is something lovely about the dark roads lightened up by the lights and the streets energized by the people walking and the stores open.

A post I wrote yesterday and the interactions with another blogger (thank you tamtam) at the comments section convinced me to prioritize appreciating myself in my daily life. Here is what I mean:

I happen to do a lot of good stuff, like yourself, in life; doing meaningful work and hopefully contribute to the family, society and humanity as a whole, training, educating, and supporting others, contributing to the local and global economy, producing knowledge and experience, helping others in need, etc.

I love it when I am kind and supportive to others. Yet, like many of you, I am hard on myself; there are always somethings that I need to do better, easier, more, cheaper, etc. Beating up myself should not be the solution to do better. I know that there are things that I really need to be iron-fist-like; I need to be more health conscious for example and I need to get rid of one extra expense from my life. These are probably the only things that I need to be firm on myself right now. But all other times, starting today, I will thank myself for doing good.

Like this morning when I checked whether the plug at the back of my house was turned off; under different conditions I would delay it till this evening; but my inner voice said “check it now” and I did it. What a peace of mind….And I thanked myself after that with a smile. It felt awesome!

Or when I decided to work till 6pm today; even though that meant I could spend less time unwinding at home, working progressed something important and it felt really good. I thank myself for making this decision, and as you guessed, with a large smile on my face 🙂

The same when I decided to walk back to home from the office, instead of taking the cab this evening. It was late and snowy, I was tempted to take the cab, but I did not. I thank myself for this wonderful decision that not only helped me to exercise my body but also save money.

I will keep doing this from now on. I am not sure which part of my blog I will have these posts all together (maybe the joy journal?), but I will always note the things I have done well while thanking myself with a large smile on my face! 🙂

I hope you can thank yourself for many things you have done or not done today 🙂

The life in the diary – VI

Fiction

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February 8, 2013

It is beautiful outside – the snow slowly painting the streets, top of the cars, the roofs. The red coloured brick house across from the window looks like a famous painting; the mesh of all these colours captivated me. The sight is certainly a must see. The residents on the 7th floor casually walking in the living room, preparing the table for dinner. A nice family of four. I have not noticed anything unpeaceful in their behaviour. Parents are loving and lovely; kids are cheerful and excited. Normal pace of life – nothing rushful. Wishing these family the best; watching them gave me peace. And hope. For some reason.

I feel safe here; away from the life I have had outside. The work, the house chores, people, whatever stressed me out are non-existing here. More importantly none of these itsy-bitsy worries are here with me.

I feel peaceful.

Despite my pain, despite my health condition. I have had the break of my life. Thanks to this surgery.  Irony at maximus 🙂 Alas. I should be worried about the situation but for some reason I am not. I do not know, maybe it is “normal”; maybe this is how “normal” people feel and carry on their lives like. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. Maybe not. Maybe my mind did just shut down; does not want to feel that existential worry. Or those other possibilities. Maybe, just maybe I am not supposed to cry. Maybe more than anything else, I just need to gather myself; tap into that strength I know I have, but is just battered too badly. Maybe it is what I am feeling right now? Can’t believe in this though…. I wish I did.

Life. What have you done to me?

Or was it me? I was brave once. Young and fearless. I was on top of the world, ready to conquer the life, for once and then all. I had the focus of a hunting lioness, the sharpness of an eagle, and the unprecedented power of the grizzly bear. I could handle anything in life; there was no unpassable hurdle for me.

Then I fell down. I just did. Do not ask why. Or how. It just happened and shattered all I had; the confidence, the focus, the strength. On top of that, I blamed myself for the fall. None went up again.

How could they? By constantly blaming and beating up myself, I mentally paralyzed myself. The child in me. The one who had the zest for life. I do not know whether I became an enemy of the life or myself.

If I am the enemy of myself, then I know how furious I can be and in turn how much I have endured from my own enmity.

Should I be proud of myself?

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The life in the diary – VI

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today felt like spring

Today felt like spring – it was warm (around 10 0C), bright, and shiny.

The first thing a lot of people I talked to today mentioned was what a lovely day it was; people are happier, positive, and more hopeful. Well deserved!

In the afternoon, I changed my winter coat with the spring coat while going out. I have also changed my winter boots with my walking shoes. it is a great feeling 🙂 More and more changes for me, how nice!

They expect some rain tonite or tomorrow, which we all hope will wash away the snow banks that now turned into grey colour due to dirt that kept sticking to them over the months. On Friday we will be back to chilly weather (around – 10 0C)….

I have been here for 6-7 years now and I know April and May are usually tricky months. You kinda see the nice weather one minute and then fall into thinking that the winter is over and it is all gonna be spring, warm and shiny. Then the next moment, the winter is back, and this continues almost till the end of May.

At first I was very frustrated by this ever-changing climate during so-called spring months. Now, I am more knowledgeable and do not hope that winter is over yet. I found that this is the best way to protect my sanity 🙂

tomorrow can be a better day

I am not sure what should be the title of this post: “joy journal” or “random thoughts”.

I will let you decide.

1. It is a sunday night 🙂 The day has been okay; I had breakfast at a cafe, spent time reading and writing, prepared a healthy meal and enjoyed it, and I am into this peaceful night a lot.. Maybe I will go to bed late, till I really relax browsing/reading. I have no interest in going to work tomorrow – I have been feeling so in the last few weeks. For some reason, I am feeling overwhelmed when I think about work. But then when I go to work and work efficiently, I feel great about myself, great about my work, and great about my day.

I can feel the stress on my body, though – my shoulders are tight and achy; I hope this feeling will be gone quite soon.

2) I have been reading quite a bit about the posts written on cancer. It occurs to me how different people go through it differently. And there is so much courage and effort there; important decisions, overwhelming feelings, obstacles that do not exist anywhere else but the reality of cancer to be overcome. Cancer is such as personal experience and such a demanding disease – physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, and socially. Why do we have this disease? Why did it evolve and make itself an integral part of our lives?

Stories I have read as well as the writings by the patients reminded me that I have not been to my physician for some time and it is time to get my blood test done; running away from the medical care is not the solution – in contrast it can create problems. Cancer for one if diagnosed early can be treated more effectively. It saves lives.

I thank all who shared their stories and increased awareness about this disease. Very well done.

3) This morning there was high winds around here – before that though, it rained… The problem with rain immediately after a lot of snow is that it melts snow… And the snow we have had last week was too much and the city did not remove them from the fronts of our houses. So in the morning while going to the cafe, I noticed that there was an accumulation of rain on around my house, around the snow banks. It alarmed me; I tried to open a passage for this water to run down the street (I am on a street with a slight hill) so that instead of accumulating around my house, the rain would drain down to the street. I have checked it a couple of times, seems to work rather inefficiently. I hope tomorrow will be a better day..

Yes, tomorrow can be a better day 🙂 for everyone I hope 🙂

joy journal – March 18, 2015

Here is today’s joy list 🙂

1. I am feeling alright today; I have been feeling better nowadays, which is great. Not sure whether I have a relax schedule this week and I can focus on work and take care of stuff without much stress, or was it the long-weekend that helped me relax. I am not sure, yet whatever it was, I am very much grateful for this feeling.

2. I am grateful for being well and sound, warm and sheltered. My thoughts are with those who lack these basic needs.

3. I am grateful for not getting a lot of snow today; we had flurries in the afternoon, but it did not continue after that. Everywhere is full of snow – there is no sidewalks visible. This was the heaviest dump of snow this year, which I hope will wash away soon by the help of rain (hope no ice will form after the rain though..)

4. I am grateful for my morning coffee! Always a delight 🙂

5. I am grateful for working fine today; I left the office late again. I had a trouble with one of the statistical programs we have been using. It seems the new version installed in the last few weeks has some problems. I called the company and they showed quite an interest to the problem and phoned/email me back several times to resolve. That feels good.

6. I am grateful for taking the bus this evening; despite the snow.

7. I am grateful for eating healthy. As a matter of fact, I think it was the healthiest meal I had in the last few months. Good job! 🙂

8. I am grateful for noticing once more that sometimes it is best I take a break prior to making a decision for a new issue. I gotta give my mind some room to evaluate things, to see the picture wholly…I am so fed up with fire-fighting with issues everyday that I just do not want to spend time with anything, just make a decision. Sometimes, though later I come up with better decisions. Mental note to self….

9. I am grateful for waking up on time this morning.

10. I am grateful for not having an early morning meeting tomorrow; I can go to bed late tonite and enjoy my time until then reading and watching TV.

11. I am grateful for the kindness I have seen from a stranger today. I may as well create similar experiences for others.

12. I am grateful for shovelling the front of my house a little bit this evening. I predict there will be more snow coming possibly tomorrow, and the already high snow banks around my door is not going to help at all. I actually suspect that these snow banks are getting harder to shovel, so when new snow dumps, it is not gonna be fun.. But I will see how it goes.

13. I am grateful that in two weeks, we will have another long-weekend. Great, great, great!!!

14. I am grateful that I am not sickened by stress, at least do not show some symptoms…. One of my colleagues had some health problems lately which she purely says because of stress… everybody I guess responds to stress differently. I am grateful that despite my stress, my system works just fine..

joy journal – March 17, 2015

here are today’s joyful events, thoughts, and experiences 🙂

1. I am grateful for shovelling intensely in the morning. The snow was too much and the plows did not do a good service to me by throwing all snow from street to the front of my door. It was a great exercise to open a passage to the street, though 🙂

2. I am grateful that I did not have a meeting or so in the morning, which allowed me to shovel. Otherwise I would have to miss the meeting.

3. I am grateful that instead of buying coffee and some unhealthy breakfast treats from the cafeteria, I chose to brew my coffee in the office.

4. I am grateful that while there was a lot of snow, there was no ice that made walking difficult today.

5. I am grateful that I worked efficiently at the office, especially in the afternoon/evening. Feeling the satisfaction 🙂

6. I am grateful that I catched the bus back to home 🙂

7. I made a concious decision to enjoy my night and take my time relaxing, even though I came home late from office. That is relaxing, very much indeed!

8. I had a different type of dinner today (different than regular ones); it feels good I am thinking; if I continue to be concious about my eating, I can greatly help my body with its well-being.

9. I am grateful for feeling less stressful compared to last week; I believe the long-weekend helped me to relax.

10. I am grateful that I started an urgent task, which I was not very motivated to do. Now that I started it quite strong, I am sure it will be completed soon; yay!

11. I am grateful for my warm house in this chilly time of the year; wishing everyone, especially the homeless people, a safe and warm place to spend the nights.

12. I am grateful for my relax schedule this week – it helps me to not only relax but also to perform serious work that requires attention and focus.

13. I am grateful that I am not worried much about another snow storm that will likely blast us tomorrow/thursday. Maybe I will have to shovel more, maybe it will be another snow day; whatever it is, I will take it (unless snow makes it completely impossible for me to leave my house..I may get near-crazy then.. I will wait and see)

breaking the routine – March 17, 2015

With or without choice, here are the things I have done differently today;

1. For the first time in my life, this morning I spent around 45 min to open a passage to get out of my home. For the first time!! There was a lot of snow yesterday, but the city’s snow plows should have worked during the night/early morning to put the snow in the street to the front of my house.

2 I ate  salad after a month or so. Happy to eat raw vegetables as part of my new recent “healthy eating” choice.

3. I started real work at the office quite late – may be 3pm or so and continued to work till 7.30. I am surprised because my energy would usually drain in the afternoons. Must be the benefit of the long weekend 🙂

breaking the routine – March 16, 2015

I must admit, the snow storm today helped (or forced) me to do somethings new or different;

1. I was bored being at home and dealing with agitating work emails; so I decided to enjoy my day and took action. It did work well.

2. Due to the snow storm, I went to another coffee house but not my favourite one.

4. Due to the snow storm, shovelled quite a bit; this was the largest snow bank I needed to clean from the front of my house.

2. I watered my plants, which I would usually do at the weekends.

5. Made concious choice and ate some raw vegetables.

snow and shovelling; please go away

There has been a huge dump of snow yesterday at my city – I hardly could get out of my house this morning.

As if the already existing snow was not enough, it again snowed in the evening and I could hardly came back home; it is great that the cab I took had good tires, otherwise I am not sure how I could reach home in this hilly city. And when I reached home, I had to jump over a 50 cm tall snow bank to get into my front door. Shovelling followed.

My back hurts from shovelling – no exaggeration.

Time to time I actually enjoy shovelling because it is an easy and effective exercise. But today, I really do not like it.

Snow day

It is a snow day – we kind of knew it yesterday that there would be a lot of snow today and wind.

Well, the snow is here but not the wind, which is a good news. I have something like 30 cm of snow at the back yard – the front of the house is more: I tried to shovel it unsuccessfully as there is no place to shovel the snow. I thought, with no exaggeration, that there was around 1 meter of snow in front of the house; the municipality did not do much to clean the streets yet.

I wonder how it will be tomorrow morning – will I be able to safely leave my home for work?

On a separate note, though I am kind of happy that I am not working today. I have a lot to do, but taking a break from work, when especially there are things that are over my head in terms of making decisions and drawing future plans, gives me an opportunity for a fresh and the majority of the time wider and more logical look at things.

Yes, I may have lost time at work, but my mind is much clear today. That is good.

snow, icy roads, and shovelling; is winter an exercise or hibernation season?

There is something nice about snow.

Especially when I am inside, and inside is warm and welcoming.

I am not a big fan of walking on icy roads, though I try my best to give myself some exercise sometimes, yet snow I can handle, ice not so much. Except that today I found my old pair of stuff that go under the boots to make it skid-resistant. I am planning to use it starting tomorrow so that I will find some confidence to walk on icy roads.

Anyways, going back to the snow; it looks so beautiful when it just snows out there in the middle of the night. It immediately prompts me to drink tea. I even felt like writing a poem related to snow tonite.

They expect the snow to turn into blizzard or frozen rain tomorrow – I hope it is not going to be too bad in the morning so that I can go to work. I am sure though in the afternoon, there will be some shovelling. Oh, the winter exercise – where you been? 🙂

the lonely storm

there is a storm outside

the sky is bright and white

with snow swept by the winds

from roofs to the ground

it is nice watching the nature

as it evolves tonite

with tea at my hand

warming my hands and inside

as I sip it in

standing next to the window

looking at the street down

with my eyes relaxing

with the dance of the snow

I see a lady rushing

with short, quick steps

a red scarf around her face

carrying a shopping bag

the wind moving her coat

from side to side

I am thankful for being inside

it would not be fun otherwise

wishing those on the street

an immediate safe shelter

and something hot to drink

and a window somewhere

to see what I see

and say to someone nearby

look! how nice it is

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