Yes to life: my life – the life as I interpret it

It had never really occurred to me why I have chosen such a name for my blog. I could use my name, something that was important or fun for me, or something related to then-focus of my writing, which was poetry.

Just yesterday night it came to me that the life I define as “my life” was a part of life, and more importantly, it was a part of life I keep define based on my “interpretations of what was going on in it”.

This was quite strange, because it told me pretty much what every wise person/book was saying – I make what my life is and I am responsible for it. It also said that I was in control of it, I could change and make it better with an intention and a switch in my perspective.

How does this sound?

………………………………..

Having control over my life is very liberating and empowering. It means I am not the victim, but rather the boss and mastermind of my life. I may not change what I do not like, but I sure can change how I interpret or care for them.

Having control also means that I may have so far limited my opportunities unknowingly because I draw the line for what I accept in my life, what I care for, and what I do not have.

What if I choose to have more positive light in my life?

What if I want to take steps to get out of my comfort zone and move up and farther?

What if I want to take more risks and dramatically change things like the work I have, the city I live in, or the way I spend my days?

What if I explore and find out what is more important to me – my current life and the current/future financial stability or moving back to where my family and spending time with them?

What if I leave my fears out of the door and open space for more love, hope, opportunity, and joy?

What is I accept the miracles, self-love, kindness, and being in the moment?

………..

Earth would not shatter, but my life could certainly expand.

I could both change the way I interpret things already in my life and reach out to opportunities, miracles, money, success, recognition, wellness, and happiness available out there further away from the circle I have drawn for my life.

I can be courageous enough to re-evaluate my perspective and expand the circle of life around me with a clear intention, a child’s amusing and hopeful attitude, and a little bit effort.

I do not know what these mean for me or whether or when I would start taking the steps. But I am glad that at this middle age of my life, I finally understand myself, my life, and life as a whole better.

It is mine and I draw the lines. I can change these starting now.

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poetry and love

I am listening to a song from a few decades back. It is beautiful.

A part of the lyric says something like this ” do not let anyone to see you, before I do see you“. 

This kind of words affects me romantically and quite deeply. The pain and fear of losing the loved one, the innocent jealousy, the sincere admission of all of these raw feelings and only for our loved one.

Love is a great thing, my friends.

It literally gave me wings once. Joy. Zest for life. A hint of purpose. A different world. A different life. A different me.

I miss these feelings.

The only thing I could not experience was jealousy.

I have never been jealous of my loved ones. Why is that, I wonder. Was I unafraid of losing them, did I not love them, or did I just not have them at the first place?

Hard for me to know.

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Sunday morning musings

It has been a while that I poured my heart out here; am I busy? Tired? Temporarily not interested in?

I do not know the answer to this, but I know blogging always made me feel good. 

I will start with “fuming”; I am still upset about the corruption and hatred I observed in Greece towards some other nations. Shame. If that was yet another developing country people would be more than ready to shame such behavior. We have double standards and we better recognize this and start treating the same behavior with same reaction. Hatred, a wide-spread hatred, towards nationalities of a person is not right. Whether this is done by a so-called developed country or developing country does not matter. Wrong is wrong.

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As per my schedule; this week is quite important. I have been working very hard since July but after this week, it will only get better. Goodness knows that I am just hanging in there, slowly working out tasks that would normally take 1/5th of the time… I feel like I am just crawling and keeping going. This one I should give myself a huge credit for: no matter what I have not quit. Until the last minute of my deadline, I will work to get it done. Well done.

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This year has passed quite fast, I would say. I cannot believe it is October already and we have only 2 more months till the holidays. I am so looking forward to this time. I will have around 11 days off and I want to use this time to take a rest and contemplate. I want to know what I want from life and how to get it.

When we are busy or when our minds are busy with things, it is so easy to forget the time and reflecting…. I am a true believer of reflections making a positive change and improvement in one’s life. I just need to sit, relax, remember and synthesize what happened and how I reacted, and think about what I would like to change or get in the future and how to do this… I have two more months to do this and it is exciting 🙂

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My final thought for this morning would be about October. We are having a great October/Fall with trees turning colours. It is a magical scenery…. I always found fall consistently good for me and for my psyche. It is the perfect time to slow down, enjoy the time being, and getting ready to shed the outer layers during the great hibernation season of winter. I cannot wait 🙂

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Have a great Sunday everyone!

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on life, death, and nature

My mom’s little bird has died after a couple of week’s illness. It was loved, cared, pampered, and cherished. 

My mom and sister are feeling the pain of losing something that they loved so much. They feel like they have not done enough to care for the bird and blame themselves.

Nothing could be far from the truth; they cared for it while she was healthy and especially when she was sick. They have got an expensive medical care for the little one and gave water using  syringe and kept it on their chest when she needed warmth and contact. They monitored it around the clock. They have done more than many people I know respecting and caring for that life. Yet, it was just her time to go and here my sister and mom feeling the blame and sadness.

It is natural to feel the sadness and grief, but I wished they did not blame themselves for what happened to this lovely creature. 

I told them what I experienced when my father had died 1.5 years ago. The sadness was nothing like I knew before, grief was overwhelming, I too blamed myself for not caring for my dad while he was alive or while he was dying. I still do. But I remember my wish to walk and see the nature as it is at that time, as life and death are a part of our life cycle and seeing nature I was able to put this in a rational frame. I remember looking at the trees, some naked and dried up, some looking like dying, but I knew that in spring some of them at least would flourish. I also remember seeing a man with a little child…. Life was continuous, only the life forms would be changing. We may lose one, heck, we will lose ourselves one day, but life will continue with a different tree, in a different place, with a different human.

It is impossible not to feel sadness and grief upon losing someone or an animal that we have loved. We have two options; either not love anything/anyone to protect ourselves from this, or love and go through the consequences. That is a natural dilemma of being human and having a consciousness. There can be no good solution to deal with death of a loved one…

But we can care and demonstrate our love while pets and humans are still alive.

After all, life is short and we have a tendency to focus on what we have in our plates at the time being, and forget the reality to come.

Go hug someone, a pet, or a tree today. Tell them or show them you care. Love yourself too and receive the love from others. Do not be shy.

 

 

 

On The X-Files and love

Let me tell you something about the X-Files.

I am currently on Season 7; why have I been watching The X-Files in the last months or so? 

Mulder and Scully – that is all. I like the characters and how they complement each other like Ying and Yang.

But the stories do not attract me: I do not believe in supernatural. I do not believe in E.T. I am more like Scully, I guess.

Only things that really attract my attention are the personal struggles and pains of the two characters; I like it when the stories are around them.

However; I do not know what to think about the romantic moments between these two characters that are scattered here and there. Nothing serious up to the Season 6 yet, but a new year’s kiss (somewhere in the Season 6 or 7) somehow threw me… Thankfully this moment was only temporary (although beautifully executed; you would swear that these two were in love so deeply and so unbelievably), as the next episode had no romantic or close encounters between the two. Like nothing happened and it was an everyday encounter…. Meaningless and weird stuff.

Anyways, I do not know whether I want it for these characters. I know that in the future episodes/movies they get together and then they broke up. There is a child that is likely to be Mulder’s and Scully’s. Looks like it is a natural extension of trust, years of watching each other’s back, saving each others arses, and sharing personal moments (like the deaths in Scully’s or Mulder’s family) that bring these two characters together. 

If you ask me, the romantic part between Mulder and Scully was unnecessary.

It is because it was like growing to love someone rather than falling in love.

I somehow prefer falling in love than growing to love over a period of time because the last time I did this (a thing, not a person), it took me 15 years to love!!!!!!

Love should be spontaneous. Un-calculated.

I know many people will reject this idea, but this is what I believe.

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Sunday morning musings

It is a quiet morning.

I am sipping my coffee with gratitude and listening to a great song by Sia:

 

As usual, morning routine consisted of shaping my sourdough loaf, brewing myself coffee, checking the news, and planning the day ahead. Needless to say, news are depressing. Almost everyday something insensible or violent happens – the humanity better shakes itself up. Why can’t we just love all? I know love is complicated, one can prefer love for one over the other, and it is not always shaped by our feelings but by our thoughts, but I keep wonder anyhow. Choices, my friends, are interesting. All these choices we have made in our lives. 

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I have had another dream that I remember. I interpret this dream as being adaptable to the unforeseen changes in life and distinguishing between the fears in our lives and the fears in our minds: we just had a conversation about this topic a couple of days ago. Or, it can be interpreted like this: sometimes it is okay to take time and not rush at the face of an adversity to resolve it that can create more problems; this pretty much sounds like what was going in my mind lately about my work situation; it is not the best time to aggressively look for jobs right now. Things will change for the better – so stay put for some more time.

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My plans for today is to bake my Sunday sourdough loaf, plant seeds in the yard, bring forward the summer clothes and hang into the wardrobe, speak with family, cook a cauliflower dish, and walk. Not overly exciting, but so far looks really good.

Have a great Sunday everyone! 🙂

 

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this was not the life I wanted

This was not the life I wanted.

I was supposed to love, be loved, and have a family of my own.

I was supposed to be happy and joyful, smiling and laughing. I was supposed to be with my friends, having care-free and fully supportive relationships without personal agendas.

I was supposed to live in a fair and just life.

I was supposed to work at an organization that valued me and my efforts rather than belittling me because of my gender, where I was from, or what they assumed I believed in.

I was supposed to be comfortable under my own skin, feeling great about my own identity, body, character, and acts.

I was supposed to feel confident and strong against any tides life could throw in my direction.

I was supposed to be free, walk in the weekends in busy streets, see the movies and dance to the songs I have loved.

I was supposed to discover myself in relationships.

I was supposed to have excitement. 

I was supposed to live somewhere else.

I was supposed to be happy.

but I am not.

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I have none of these that I thought I was entitled to. Not because I did not want to. But because I made choices.

I chose to move here and take this position, which now is under too much stress and the environment is getting more and more toxic, with lay offs and people blaming, belittling, or pushing away each other.

I chose to have a secure position that will give me financial stability and a sense of meaning and strength. I chose to do what I once loved to my bones – my job.

I chose to stay even after I realized whatever I was getting was not enough for me to feel good about myself or my life. In contrast, I was in so much stress and pressure that I do not know why I have stayed. Tell me – why did I choose to stay?

I chose to not have trips to see new places or friends to rather save the money for my future.

I chose to over and over take a mental note and saying “there is nothing much here for me to do alone”. A hobby class? A dance/sports club? A cooking class? Poetry? Writing? New language? Anything. I chose to have no such interests.

I chose that instead of having zillion of friends, I would have a few good ones in my life.

I chose to believe in that I was not a good cook so I hardly host my friends at my home.

I chose that the most interesting activity for me at the weekends would be to visit the two shopping malls in my city, browse the stores, and purchase what I may need.

I chose to believe in that at my age of mid-40, I was already old.

I chose to believe that I was not lovable.

I chose to have no future plans. I have tried multiple times. It just does not happen – what am I waiting for?

What is it that drags and anchors me down?

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What am I supposed to change in my thinking, my priorities, my life?

What choices I must reverse and what new choices I must make to be happy?

Tell me.

I have forgotten

poem

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I may have forgetten

got busy with work

but pain remains

for not being who I could be

if I were with you

I may have forgetten

got hopeful with future

but my dream remains

hinting how it could be

if I were your girl

I may have forgotten

got down with misery

but my grief has remained

for not being what I could be

if I could be

I would be happy with you

eventually I have forgotten

my heart mended

and mind refreshed

but tears remained

I got cold and void

for not forgivin’

in awe and in love

You know what I love most about falling in love, or seeing a historic monument/art piece most?

The feeling of being awed.

The admiration  I feel.

The feeling of being how lucky to have this experience.

Getting all the cells in my body energized.

The mesmerisation, excitement, silly smiles I get. 

Forgetting everything and focusing on a great thing, a great person.

With increasing age I found that these feelings are showing up less and less.

One may not be able to fall in love with planning, but one sure can plan a trip to see what they want to do, what they want to see. I hope all of you guys have some plans for the summer.

a year without dad

Today is the first anniversary of the death of my dad – May he rest in peace…

I have been dreading this day knowing that it would make me deeply remember my dad (for which I am grateful), my regrets of what I should have done or what I should not have done when he was alive (for which I came to realization that there is nothing to be done), and the sadness I experience  over his death (which is so vivid and continuous)…

I am very sorry that my dad and I did not spend more quality time together. That I could not be a good daughter for him. That I was not with him when he died.

Despite these, I also know that he loved me and looked after me all the time. He forgave me too, for things I should not have said or done. My father was a father alright.

Among all these turbulent emotions, I am glad for a couple of things, too. When my father died, one of the fears I had developed was to forget my dad. I am glad that this has not turned into reality. And lately I thought that when I died, he would guide me and welcome me to death. I know this is ridiculous but it so soothes me and makes me unafraid of death. I am still not interested in dying (when he died I developed fear of my own mortality), but when the time comes I hope I will remember this.

Rest in peace dad. I am sorry for a lot of things. You knew these and you still loved me. For that I am ashamed, awed, and grateful. You know I would not choose another dad, but you. I love you.

Till next time. 

 

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The Dream of Athena

poem

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You will come;

we will see each other again

I will look absolutely stunning

with my red lipstick and smile

and my hat will fit me this time

you will take pictures of me

with your phone

I won’t know

in a dream floating on a river

with eyes on the sky

and heart on the sun

you will realize that this is the woman
you want to connect with
you will realize that no matter
what, she is the one that
makes you stronger
lighter
livelier
and a dreamer.

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They are there for a reason

poem

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there are ties that we don’t break

they are there for a reason

maybe it is love, maybe just a flake

like appreciation or the pleasin’

 

when the time is up, the line drops

one by one in the season

maybe genuine strength maybe just luck

like the Fall sun or the healin’

 

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sometimes it is best to leave the love behind

It is all good, I promise.

Skip the 1st part and scroll down to the second half should you prefer not to hear about the drama.

(honestly, I too would like to leave this drama behind…).

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My mom was very upset that I returned Jamie the cat back. My sister and my brother too. They highly recommended me take it back.

Did I not want it?

With each day I have been feeling a little bit better, but I am still emotional about that innocent, mystical live-being.

Anyways, my mom forced (!) me to go back to the shelter. And I did. Not to take him back, but to inquire what would happen to him, and if he was to be killed, to re-adopt him (I thought what I could offer him would be better than death for this young, lovely cat). They assured me again that he would not be killed unless he has behavioral problems or gets sick. There were cats that have been living there for 3 years 🙂

I could not completely believe, but got happy anyhow! 🙂 Jamie will not die because of me and he has got a lot of opportunities to be adopted 🙂

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Why am I telling you these?

Not to continue with my recent drama, but to note something that I realized.

By chance, I saw my friend at the shelter; she is a regular there. She told me one thing that I cannot forget.

She said Jamie was not the right cat for me.

I was still defensive and said I was not the right owner for him.

Now I am thinking; she was right. It felt right. Jamie the cat and I were not right for each other. if it was so, we would be happy and comfortable together.

In the past too I have had experiences like this when I was not 100% sure and got conflicted about whether or not to take a step (like adopting Jamie).

In the future I hope to remember this: if I find myself stretching too much for someone/something, and if I am not 100% comfortable, I will stop myself and walk away.

While there is room for development in all of us, if it is too much of a concern around it, it is best to leave the love behind. There will always be others.

And long-live the friends 🙂

And if i want to help animals, then I better donate to shelters and stop eating them for sometime…

loving ourselves, loving others

I am not the only one who left a loved one behind, not being there when they needed us, or betrayed/disappointed them over own wellness, convenience, or happiness.

What does it mean to prioritize our best interests over others’?

Does that mean we are selfish? Loving ourselves more than others? Is it a survival instinct? Knowing what we are capable of and what not? Not caring much? Not loving others enough? What is it really?

I do not know.

There is a cost of loving others; whether they are people or animals. When they are sick, sad, down, or death, it breaks us…..

Does that mean we should not love?

No.

Is there a cost to others if we prioritize ourselves over them? Certainly.

Should that mean we should not love ourselves?

No.

Life is very strange.

foster-care programs for animals

I continue to be upset about returning back my little boy, Jamie the cat, back to the shelter after 5 days..

I continue to be overwhelmed by the emotions; guilt, missing, and loving Jamie.  And often I burst in tears. I am a middle aged, mature person, but there I am crying…… I am a mess.

There is a lot to process for me and as time goes on I digest more.

I found talking about Jamie and my experience with him helps me a lot. I was talking to my neighbour, who has asked about Jamie and I cried there too. She suggested I pet her cat (which is a lovely cat that often shows up in my yard) or consider fostering cats from a foster-care program.

What a great idea….

There is one foster-care program in my city that lets me foster and even pays for the food of the animals. Is that not great? This organization is also aiming to develop a no-kill shelter over time – they estimate it to take 3-4 years with the current level of funding. I wish we could have all shelters like that, a no-kill shelter.

I wish I was aware of the foster program before. I sure would give it a try, and possibly did better. I do not think I would love another cat as much as I love Jamie, yet in this life anything is possible. After all, I loved a cat more like a family member of mine and I cry after him, even though we had spent only 5 days together….

Fostering can work for many people. I think it would be a great opportunity;

  • for people like me who are not 100% sure of getting a cat
  • for those who wants to adopt but first would like to see whether they can get along with the cat
  • for kind, animal lovers, who may be traveling sometime (so cannot fully commit to an animal, like myself), or
  • for those who are looking for a mouser cat

Wouldn’t it be just nice to take our part in this planet by taking care of, feeding, or showing love to other earthly creatures? Even for a short time?

🙂

 

daydreaming another life full of love, only love

Being true to myself, I find, is difficult.

Why?

Because it requires accepting my own limitations, short-comings, weaknesses, biases, or any other adjective that is the enemy of my ego.

Life would have been much better if we could all be true to ourselves and everyone, without any effort or sacrifice, enjoys that. That would mean having no ego. That would mean a life somewhere else.

I envisioned this life today and I saw myself fully relaxed, stripped of all the bad memories, emotions, thoughts, and ego. I saw myself only as love.

And all my interactions in that world was love.

It was all love, happiness, and joy…..

I loved that life.

brought Jamie the cat back to the shelter :(

I put Jamie in his carrier using his favorite toy as a bait (after 30 min of trial and error), called a cab, and brought him back to the shelter. The person at the shelter was not happy when she learnt that I was returning a newly adopted animal.. I kind of deserved the somehow unhappy and disapproving face….

I know that if he is not adopted in a certain period of time, he can be euthanized…. This is breaking my heart big time, in addition to all bunch of other things. He was happy here, he wanted to be with me, he was smart, very well mannered (except occasional aggression/frustration that scared me). This last part of course is my own deficiency; I was not ready fully to understand the nature of cats and then handling them better. I did try my best, though.

There were a couple of people at the shelter looking for cats to adopt, or came to take their newly adopted cats home. I really hope, I really want to believe, that he can be adopted and be happy. So, please, if you are reading this, please join me in sending the best wishes for Jamie; let’s all hope that he will find a suitable home right away…. Thank you a bunch… 

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The whole morning, I cried at the office…..

I cried when I returned back from the shelter and started cleaning his room……

I cried when I picked up his scratch post (which I forgot to bring with me to the shelter to donate) and when I heard the bell on it chiming…..

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That cat changed my life in 5 days.

Just 5 days….

I remember many things about him and I: The moment I opened his cage and  the way he looked vulnerable and innocent, sniffed around, and approached me while I was pretending to not show interest in him; the way he accepted my hand and let me scratch his head; the way he ate his first wet food, which he loved; the way we connected and did head-butts; the way I missed him in the mornings; the way he scared me with his runs at nights; the way I lied on the couch with him in the afternoons to let him have a nap next to me; the way he got frustrated when I took him off the keyboard; the way he started to bite whatever I was showing interest on (like my computer or notepads) rather than him; the way he meowed when I came back home from outside; the way he loved to play with his favorite toy and jumped high to get it; the way he looked scary the majority of time except those times  when he was curious about the water dripping from the faucet. This last one I will always remember and cherish – he was so innocent….

I am still surprised that I could take him to the shelter myself. My friend was supposed to help me do this, yet she could not make it today. I sat down and thought again – do I really want to do this?

Emotionally, no. But logically the answer was yes; because it was the best solution not only for me but also for him.

I thought about how he would not get the love/attention he wanted; the way he would get frustrated when I do not let him sleep on my bed; the annoyance and stress he would get when I would leave him behind at a boarding facility for my long trips, at least twice a year and sometimes for 4-5 weeks…. Could he really be happy? Was what I was offering good for him?

No.

So, this was not a solely selfish decision after all.

I was selfish, though. I adopted him when I was very well aware that I would be away from his life for extended periods of time and that would make him unhappy and stressed. Where was my mind then????? If I was not selfish then, I would have not adopted Jamie at the first place.

That is a hard-learnt lesson – never make decisions mostly under the influence of emotions. Assess thoroughly first.

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Jamie in some ways made me learn about myself, too.

What were my borders?  What were my limits? Wishes for myself and others? Unconditional love? Thinking about myself and at the same time for others that I love? How to make difficult decisions? How to cry like a baby for something that entered my life only recently…..

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I am grateful for Jamie the cat for many things, but one particular thing stands out. He was the only living being I said “good morning” in my house that I live now. What an honour, what a beautiful experience to have had him in my house and in my life.

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Before I finish this ordeal, please join me again to wish the best family to adopt him and be happy with him.

Thank you so much.

 

 

Jamie the cat is home

I brought Jamie home 30 min ago – I am writing from the room I got for him.

I was recommended to keep him in a small room for the few days to prevent him from being overwhelmed 🙂

He seems to be adjusting well (I hope); exploring everywhere, eating food, and walking around. I just wished he had used his litter box for some reason.

I am humming a tune and sometimes even speaking to him (or rather to myself 🙂 ) I am mostly ignoring him, typing or browsing the internet. That seems to be working as he is approaching me.

This is, my friends, a historical event in my life. My first cat of my adult life.

I hope that to be a wonderful experience and adventure for both of us 🙂

joy journal – August 14, 2016

I have lots to be grateful for 🙂

1. I am grateful for the funny movie I have watched yesterday night. I was up till 1.30 am and as a result woke up a little bit tired this morning. However, this movie made me laugh a lot and sometimes very aloud! What a rare treat 🙂

2. I am grateful for the coffee and bagel I have had this morning. My mind was full of thoughts so I did not even remember going to the cafe or eating the bagel, but hey, at least I provided breakfast for myself (I usually do not eat breakfast) 🙂

3. I am grateful for walking to a store 15 minutes away. They did refund me for the passport photo they took, which turned out to be too light in colour and as such, unacceptable for the passport office. No questions were asked. I had no receipt (only their stamp and date at the back of one of the photos) and a form from the passport office stating the reason for not accepting the photo. I was prepared to make a complaint, yet rather I was welcome with a rapid refund. How great is that? 🙂

4. I am grateful for speaking with my family and knowing that they are well and sound.

5. I am grateful for baking my best bread so far 🙂 I have eaten more than half of one of the loafs (it was a small loaf, so no need to get alarmed 🙂 )

6. I am grateful for my sourdough starter that excites me. Today is the 6th day and I must say I was getting tired of taking its picture; analyzing its rise, smell, and texture, and taking notes; and feeding it everyday. It is great that as of this evening, it is placed in the fridge and will be handled only once a week to feed or to use in a sourdough loaf 🙂

7. I am grateful for today not being too hot.

8. I am grateful for eating veggies today.

9. I am grateful for having the night to myself. it is peaceful and just the right temperature. I can read or write whatever I want. It is also a great time for reflection. I have always been a night-owl 🙂

10. I am grateful for my pens and my papers/notebooks that allow me to write, list, or plan things. Very exciting activity 🙂

11. I am grateful for computer and internet connection that make learning, reading, and blogging easy and possible.

12. I am grateful for my floss! I love my floss ( a tri-liner). Am I the only person who loves their floss?? 🙂

13. I am grateful for everything I have at home; my furniture, my appliances, my kitchen items, my shoes and clothes, my books and notebooks, pens and pencils, plants and food. They make my life easy, and me safe, full, warm, and content.

14. I am grateful for being grateful and taking my time to note it here.

15. I am grateful for everyone here who commented on my posts lately, re; adopting a cat. You guys took time to read and respond and gave me many useful ideas. I felt supported and cared, and you may know well that this is a very good feeling, especially when it is needed. So, my friends; may your lives fill with happiness and peace and may your hearts find whatever good things/people/experiences you are longing for.

Thank you all.

there is (cat) love once again

After my emotional experience “deciding-not-to-adopt-the-adorable-cat-due-to-his-previous-health-problems“, I have thought quite a bit.

My first reaction was to get cold feet again. But there was something nice about the scratch post and the little toys I had purchased last week, which are still in my living room. I did not feel like donating or removing them from my sight.

Mouser or not, I guess I realized I really wanted to have that type of special bond I had felt for the cat (that I decided not to adopt) with another one.

I experienced quite a sadness about the first cat choice of mine, yet now I think it was in fact useful for me. Prior to looking for cats, I always thought about the happy moments and joy that I would have by having a lovely living being around. If s/he would hunt pest/mice, that would be great too (the recent pest problem in the house has been a great motivator for me to get a cat, even though I had considered to get a cat in the last one year or so). I had also thought about sicknesses and felt the responsibility of taking care of the cat, but honestly I had not considered the emotions I would have when the cat would be in trouble (e.g. sick, injured etc.).

In other words, I was not completely ready to have the cat.

It was like buying my house. I bought the house with excitement and 9 days after I moved in, my roof leaked from 2 different places and made me severely anxious and depressed. I had felt betrayed by the previous home owners/renovators, and my real estate agent and the home inspector. I felt clueless, ineffective, and very stressed too as it took me almost a year to find a contractor and get the problem fixed.

While that was a horrible experience, it had also told me that life was not gonna go on like I imagined it. Even though I had heard the house repair and maintenance needs/issues from others, I guess without experiencing it, I had felt like it would never happen to me. That was not the reality. While I felt bad for a long time and I still feel like my home may give trouble to me anytime, I guess now I have a more realistic view too. Yes, good days will happen (like the last 1.5 years during which I have had no major issues at my home) and bad days in the future (like that time when I have had the roof problem). And that was only normal. Expected. My house-roof problem had made me experience and see the reality.

Realizing/remembering these helped me to think differently about my cat ordeal. I would be attached to my future cat too and there would be both good days and bad days; there would be sickness, injuries, and even death. I could not expect all joy and excitement, re; my life with the cat. I would have anxiety, depression, or worry about the cat, the way I take care of it, the way it is and the diseases, such as worms, associated with it, and the financial cost of taking good care of it (vet visits etc.). And there would be purrrs and all too 🙂

So, I feel better now and I am not afraid to think about getting another cat.

As a matter of fact, I went back to the first shelter I have been to two days ago, alone, and planned to check the cats I have chosen through the website. I had 6-8 cats in my list, but I found myself checking/spending time with two only; both of these cats I had seen two days ago.

One of them was a female with odd-coloured eyes (one green, one blue). She is quiet and feels alright. Yet, not necessarily exciting, bonding..

Then I went to the male cat section and I found myself checking the young male cat who spends time in his cage mostly and who looks quite grumpy to me. I had joked with my friend the other day that I would love to adopt and observe this cat very much, but it looked like I was scared of him and that he would give me trouble/stress, so I would not be interested in him.

Well, I was wrong – that is the cat that I am pretty attracted to, one that I can feel some kind of love, affection, and interest towards. I spent some time with him, let him sniff my hands, touch my hands with his little feet, and eventually I took him out of his cage and held for a minute or so. I was not scared this time and he was not, either. So that was the moment I decided that I could get this cat.

We do not know much about this cat as he was abandoned a month ago and was a stray. I was told that he does not like to socialize with other cats and that is why he is spending time in his cage, but I am not sure that is the whole truth or he is sick/old or something (hope not). Honestly, he does not look like a very active cat or a mouser to me, but hopefully I am wrong.

I will go have my friend look at the cat again and if things are alright, will put in the adoption papers. I may get heart-broken again if there is something wrong with him or he is too old, so I am keeping my hopes lower this time, but I am also kind of excited that I could love and bond with a cat again 🙂

what was love for me?

I have no answer to that.

The fact that I have decided not to adopt the cat that I have loved, touched, hugged, and admired (seriously did) only because of its dental problems that showed up at a young age (suggesting a serious problem that will need me to handle in future too, emotionally and financially), I must actually question this very hard.

After all, I too show a behavior of preferring those who are healthy, or have been healthy, over those who have not been, to love, to care for, and to make a part of my life. I know many people who would be hesitant/reject the idea of marrying others who have family history of heart problems or cancer, for example. How is that sensible? Is this not ridiculous?

Has this not been a behavior that disgusted me much in the past? Did I not say that that was discrimination and equally offensive, insensitivity and short-sightedness towards those who have gone thru much already? After all, every living being deserves to be loved, regardless of their conditions.

Who says that we all are healthy and, most importantly, will remain healthy?

Who says we will not make extra effort, emotionally and financially, for others we love in our lives?

Who says that I will not be that person who will be sick or require extra care and effort?

Where is my consciousness? Where is my mind? Where are my values now?

What makes me think that a healthier cat today will not get seriously sick next day and give me the same trouble I would have with the cat I liked but denied to adopt today?

probabilities. reality. emotions. thoughts. calculations……

All internal conflict – that is what I am going thru tonite.

Conflict over my decision.

Conflict about love.

Conflict over myself.

Tonite is a hard night indeed. I admit I cried for that cat and seriously is hating myself time to time.

I gotta be realistic.

I gotta bury my emotions, right?

Right.

But since I am questioning a much bigger concept, love, this does not seem to be possible.

Love, after all, is an emotion. And a very important one.

How can we deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or we think they will give us more trouble over time?

How can I do that myself ????

How can I deny love to others because they are sick, have been sick in the past, or I think they will give me more trouble over time ????

……

I really do not like myself right now.

 

what was love?

One of my friends told me about an old movie about a young and beautiful lady with a little kid running away from something/someone and eventually finding sanctuary at the house of an older guy, who would protect and got to love both of them over time.

They were not wife and husband, though, as the lady was still in love with the father of the kid; the father who has not cared about them, the mother and the child, and the father whom they were running away from (or the negative conditions that were created because of the lack of the care by the father, like providing for them, protecting and making them safe, etc.). They just stayed at his house and under their care without any problem/annoyance created by the older guy.

Then the father shows up many years later and things get tangled. She still loves him in a way. First thing that she wants to do is to reunite with the father as he is the love of her life, yet then there was this other guys who protected and provided shelter, food, and safety to the kid and the mother without expecting anything in return. Plus, he got to love her as a woman and the kid like his own.

She was confused: What should she do?

Her heart pulled her to the father and then to the other guy, and then to the father, and then to the other guy.

And eventually, she chose the other guy.

She asked herself before making her decision:

“What was love?”

 

“Love was the demonstrated goodness/kindness/camaraderie.

Love was effort.”

………………

I keep thinking about love in multiple dimensions today because of my decision to not adopt the wonderful cat I fell in love with, which seems to have serious dental problems even though he is only around 2 years…

What was love for me?

What was love?

joy journal – July 26, 2016

Been a while… There are many things to note yet I will keep it to the things/experiences/people that have been giving me excitement, hope, and happiness lately.

1. I am grateful for the day. It has been just the right temperature; neither hot nor cool, with a little breeze and lots of sunshine. A perfect summer day :).

2. I am grateful for getting up earlier than usual and not getting crazy about hastily leaving the home a soon as I wake and dress up. I spent around 30 min at home in the morning, browsing the internet while waiting for the next bus at 8.30 am. It is awesome to note this (waiting for something/someone makes me crazy usually. waiting for the bus, which is scheduled for every 30 min used to make me extra crazy. But I seem to have tamed… at least for now… is that not awesome?)

3. I am grateful for taking the bus and arriving the office earlier than usual. I have had a peaceful morning when I brewed my coffee and enjoyed it, worked productively, and felt overall good about work and life.

4. I am grateful for walking back to home in the afternoon and taking care of some emails and other paperwork after that. Working at home is usually a very relaxing practice for me. I am so lucky to have a job that gives me such a flexibility.

5. I am grateful for watching TV this afternoon. After my back problem that occurred early in the new year, I had hardly spent time in my living room, or sat on the couch and watched the TV. Couch is not good for my back so it was not long before I moved up to the bedroom again, but nevertheless this change was very welcome 🙂

6. I am grateful for cooking a healthy meal for myself today. I tried a new recipe that I have got from a neighbor while I was on vacation. Pretty tasty stuff made with cracked wheat (bulghur). Hope to post the recipe one day.

7. I am grateful for the open windows and the fresh air filling my home. What a luxury it is! (old man winter does not let that to happen very frequently.)

8. I am grateful for my new throw, couch covers, shirts, and socks; tea, spices, seeds to be used during baking (nigella, sesame, poppy seeds etc.), corn flour, rice, hard salt to be consumed;  decorative artwork that my sister has given me as gifts; the bowl that I had picked up from my dad’s house as a memorial; the walking shoes and the winter boots that will last like for ever. It feels great to remove any hesitation about having/finding comfy shoes and winter boots- I feel blessed to have found and purchased them 🙂

9. I am grateful for my laptop and the internet connection that make it possible to write, read, and learn 🙂

10. I am grateful for not gaining weight lately. Hope to drop more of those resistant fat particles 🙂

11. I am grateful for having food in my fridge, freezer, and the pantry. what a blessing to know that I have more than I can consume and I am abundant.

12. I am grateful for my friends here whom I have called or seen yesterday. It is so relaxing to know that I am surrounded with good and kind people. This is particularly important for me to realize, as I have just come back from a family visit. i do not feel lonely and I feel like I have a life here 🙂

13. I am grateful for the hand moisturizer that makes the wonders all the time. My hands are prone to get dry yet this moisturizer is just right and it smells awesome. I am lucky to have found it 🙂

14. I am grateful for my plans to shop this weekend. Shopping is always a delight (if done responsibly, of course) 🙂

15. I am grateful for my back feeling good and being pain-free in the last month or so.

16. I am grateful for getting sleepy now. I may have some kind of jet-lag, which is okay… if you have ever experienced difficulty falling asleep, you will know why I am excited about getting sleepy. Long live the jet lag! 🙂

17. I am grateful for being safe and sound.

18. I am grateful for my family; we may be a hard ball together but we sure love and care each other. I am extra grateful that they are fine, healthy, and safe, too.

19. I am grateful for being grateful and being excited to have written this post.

🙂

non passe absolution

poem

————————–

I will forgive you for all

except for giving me that clove

a decade and a half ago

and for pushing me away

many years later

by your thorns wrapped around

your tongue that dared to insult us

by separating our worlds

I really hate you for my pain

for many moments of false happiness

but most of all for making me

not being able to forgive you

until one of us dies

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abyss

I do not know darling;

all now lies in the past

maybe on a sunday morning I can get to remember

with a smile on my face and a mug of coffee in my hand

the scent reminding me your smile

that day on the shore with the sunlight caressing your face

and your hair mixing with the wind

that cute smile on your lips…

remembering that would hurt, but the day is new

even with the pain, now I can walk through

your face had a careless expression

gazing off the ocean

steady and happy like nothing mattered

I was awed and at the same time uneasy

you had mattered to me darling

but this had to stop;

knowing that there was no us

had drilled me bad

I remembered it was unfair, this thing we called life

it was as if I did not get to deserve love

the pain was careless, merciles, inevitable

and I let myself turn around and leave

the air had tasted bitter, the salt had burnt my skin

my eyes had turned red with the pain

ocean’s arms mixed with the rocks and then the dirty roads

blackened they had ruined everywhere they touched

the scent was hellish, disguised in the air

I had failed and fallen; that abyss was dark and deep

terrified yet I just kept going

with each passing second feeling the fear of crash…

it has been years now that this fall has started

I seem to have relaxed inevitably, caressed by the wind

I talk and joke with the darkness

nothing is strange, nothing is hurtful

I keep falling and falling, yet

there is some kind of careless smile on my face

that makes me awed

and you seem to be forgotten

 

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cannot love without you

 

I was attracted to you then, and later, and now….

I do not know why

I thought about this for a long time

multiple times, in multiple lines

for some unknown reasons

you brought something out in me

each time I was with you

there was excitement, happiness, and life…

 

my thirst has amplified over time

despite knowing well that

it would never be okay between you and I

my only solution now is to forget you..

that hammers my heart darling;

I never knew why it was you

but I knew that it was you

and I cannot love without you

 

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love by logical reasoning

Can you love something/someone by logical reasoning?

I have been trying this very hard with where I am. There are so many positive sides of being in the city I live and having the job I have (safe city with simple life, great job with meaning and good salary, etc.). No matter how many times I complain about things that annoy me here and having the life that feels like wasted and uninteresting, the moment I start thinking and writing about the positive parts, I realize I am in fact in a good shape.

I only lack passion for being here, that is all.

I know that in relationships too, such things can happen. We can either fall in love with someone with our hearts and passionately, or with our minds with mostly logical reasoning.

Which one is better (if better)?

I do not know.

They say that even when you fall in love with someone with your whole heart, after a while that passionate “love” can end, or be replaced with something less passionate but more “solid”. This kind of tells me that passionate and exciting emotions can be lost after a while. Thus, maybe insisting in wishing to see them continuously present in our lives (or, in my life) is unreasonable.

I lived and worked in other great cities. I literally fell in love with them, but my work and salary were not as good as what I have here. In other words, while I love being in these cities, I could not enjoy my life there because of financial difficulties.

So when I remember these, I feel better. I say “perhaps that is what my trade off is: perhaps what I have right now, the city I live in, and the job I have are logically just perfect for me“.

 

grief…

I did not know much about grief till my dad died last week. It is strange; it is painful; and it is a lonely journey.

When I say lonely, it does not mean I needed to go thru my days alone. I meant I needed to face, experience, process, and feel it all by myself. Like many of us I guess. It is a personal and unique experience. I do not know whether this is a survival instinct or not, but I think everybody going thru grief may know what is best for them to help go thru it. I hope you all will find these tools when you need them…

My this experience with grief was something that I found interesting. Without thinking, planning, or resisting, I just let it surround me, felt the emotions, and supported myself (and others) as much as I could. I did not work. I did not go to work, though I had to check my emails and involve in some minor urgent matters (I am still resentful about these….I am still resentful that people required my attention during this time… I am still resentful that I did not say no – you should wait…I am resentful about work and all the neglect I have done for it…. ).

In my case, being alone and not communicating with people other than my immediate family helped quite a bit. After all, I felt like words were only words and would not diminish my loss at all. In contrast, I thought they were driving me crazy…Only after a couple of days, words, especially the good wishes and good memories of my dad started to make sense. As a matter of fact, I craved for them. I still do.. Remembering my dad with love and cherishment became a priority for me. These give me peace.

The circumstances around the death my dad also help my grieving process. He had a long life (he was 88), the majority of his life he was healthy, he lived his life in a way that he wanted, he was proud of his children and knew they were okay; and he had great care prior to his death. He did not suffer too much at the end of his life. The last day of his life was great and meaningful. He, I thought, left this world with dignity, without letting life make him suffer any further or any more hurting. Before he became more incapacitated. He was buried by his children (except me; I could not go) and many of his friends were present in his ceremony. Right before his death, we all had become a family, loving, caring, forgiving, and forgiven. I think he died knowing this, which is the most important thing for me.

I do not know whether writing and reading have always been my tools that help me analyze and contemplate (come to think about it; I guess that is correct), but I found reading and writing about grief, death, and my dad very therapeutic….

I wrote my inner conversations with my dad in a long letter that is getting longer each time I write on it…. When I read it time to time, I can see my feelings and all the realizations and sorrow I have gone through. I also see the love I have for him… During one of this readings I had realized that I would have never wished for another person as my dad; if I had an opportunity to have a dad again, he would be the one I wanted. Feeling and knowing this in such a deep sorrow have been incredibly healing….

Why reading about death and grief? To face them. In order to make sure I was not hiding, ignoring, or running away from them. To take the feelings, however saddening they may be, as they were. To live these moments in an authentic way. And most importantly, to fully and openly connect with my dad’s memory…

I may mention about the books I have read in a later post, but I want to say you this; grief and coping with a loss is an individual journey.. The books usually mention about several stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance)… i did not go thru these yet, certainly not in this order. I did not deny my dad’s death for example. I am not bargaining. I am not fully depressed…I am not feeling anger towards him, life, or anyone else. I am just saddened that we could have better memories, more time spent together, and I could care for him more and better…even though I know we all did our best during our lives and with our interactions, I naturally have regrets…. i also know that these do not matter now (i.e. there is nothing I can do to reverse the time) and I can rather focus on all the good memories and all the goodness and peace surrounding his death.

That also means that I have learnt about others’ experiences with death and loss by reading. I am not interested in comparison of pains or the effects the losses put on us; after all everybody has their own memories, their wishes, their regrets, their circumstances, and their emotions to deal with. But I have seen that there were losses that if happened to my dad would have made my grief journey much more painful;  a long-lasting and incapacitating disease for example. Death at a young age… These give me some kind of peace… Maybe I am being selfish or something… Please forgive me if you have experienced such losses and my experience sounds like a selfishly better or less painful one….. No loss is better than the other; but I hope they all have somethings attached to them that give some sense of peace, some sense of serenity….However different they may be for each one of us.

I miss my dad and I love him dearly. May he rest in peace for ever.

random thoughts

I have been thinking about life as a whole; the regrets that we have; the relationships that we could not protect or save; the wishes that have remained unattained; the decisions and choices that we have made and turned out to be plain wrong; the opportunities that are lost; and the pain that comes with any of these.

I must correct myself; I have been thinking about these not because of life but because of death.

When death is in the equation, nothing much matters; none of the old scars, arguments, misunderstandings, hurt caused/experienced, insults made, the time and love lost along the process while we were struggling to just go through these emotions and live.

When death is in the equation, forgiveness and affection appear again. We do not care much why the other person did what s/he did or did not. We do not care why they did not behave the way we wished them to.

It is ridiculous that we cannot attain such a state of mind while people we care about are still alive.

Maybe there is too much history/memories, too many events, too many emotions linked to the past with that person. Maybe these are painful experiences, somehow hurting and making us ache deeply. Maybe they changed the course of our lives for a worse one; maybe we lost good opportunities because of them. Maybe we just could not reach them; could not become the friends, daughters, brothers, or parents we wished to be. Maybe we just blamed them for things that have happened or not happened.

Death is a journey to the unknown and it is very scary. They say death is more painful for those who are left behind. But I guess a part of our pain is to know how brave are those who have died and experienced the unknown. Before us. And we have nothing to help or support those who are gone. They are all alone in this and we are powerless.

I know while death is a natural part of life, we hardly would like to think or talk about it. I just read something about death today; it basically said since we do not think about it, we happen to think that we will live for ever. One reason to delay things to later. One reason to not enjoy the sight of the moon, scent of the flowers, hugs of a child, and the smile of a loved one while they are right in front of us.

The same writing also asked how many days of our lives we have not remembered? If we do not remember, then was it wasted or was it just ordinary?

Hard to know the answer, but this can be a good opportunity now to make every day count and every person in our lives feel loved and supported; to exercise less ego and more forgiveness; to share more and better, and smile;  and to remove the term “hate” from our vocabulary.

season winter

poem

——————–

 

many springs passed since last time

green and alive

and many thoughts and tears

without care

hard to imagine when this will end

this winter.. this foggy air..

I am stuck with hunger;

dreams give temporary relief

telling the regular lie

we are together like a lovely couple

I look at your eyes and see the inner boy

a 10 years old with hope and joyful

no age matters, no gray, no hair

giggling and humming the tunes

we are walking down the harbour

like no one else exists, none matters

the sky is blue and it is warm

I see the river and the city behind

it is one dream I love

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cafe writings

I am at my favorite cafe now. It is beautiful outside, bright and with clear sky. I love this kind of days, which is quite rare in my city. This day is to be enjoyed.

Despite going to bed late, I managed to get up not too late. I like this as it gives me enough time to go ahead my usual Saturday routine; breakfast in the morning, cleaning my house, calling family and friends, light work if needed, and then enjoying my day and night. Whether it is reading a book, watching a movie, or reflecting on life and experiences.

The reason for going to bed late in the last 2 weeks or so is that I have been watching a TV series where love is the main theme; love of parents towards children, romantic love, love between the siblings and friends. The male character of the romantic love part loves the girl so much that it gives me the chills the majority of the time; I myself have never seen a man who loves a woman this way.

I keep wondering why. Is it because it rarely happens in life or is it because I did not pay much of an attention to this before?

Does the composition of love differ between male and female? Are there different (sets of) elements to it that once gathered all together, help women or men to develop love for someone? For example, how important is trust? physical appearance? social status? family or friends? education and civility? kindness, humility, and goodness? the past? the future? experiences? limitations/strengths? wealth? ability to care, to have both silly and serious conversations together, or to be able to just sit together in silence and being okay, or better yet, enjoying it?

One of my friends had told me once that “it is easier for woman to love“. I do not know about it (too much of a generalization), but going back to the original reason for writing this post, I have never seen a man loving a woman more than she does love him. That tells me maybe the behavior is different between the men and women; women are easier to show love yet for men it may not be so.

I really do not know. But this is something interesting to think about.

 

vengeance

poem

——————–

it is as if there was nothing you cannot do

to not kiss this girl

and not to wrap your arms around her

we reached the old age

can hardly lift our arms

let alone give a kiss

and just now you are making a move

and just now I am not to be missed

 

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the poem with two colors

poem

—————————————————–

First

all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can come through

no couple I can stand to see

I am a stranger to my own silence

cannot talk my heart out of you

tired of this defiance

I must try once again

to assault your memory

what would you say

if you knew my side of the story?

 

========================

Second

I must try once again

to insult your memory

cannot talk my heart out of you

cursed it is, hurt

it has been years

yet years did not sweep tears

how am I going to move ahead

when all what love does is to remind you

I am afraid to listen to the songs

no love story can be read

no couple I can stand to see

if you knew, what would you feel?

it has been years

for years you have occupied me

I am a stranger to my own silence

I am left with no smile, no inner stillness

 

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stillborn love – II

poem

————————-

It has been years

I have had a love so young, so innocent

yet, it was stillborn..

you have left me faster than the blood

strange that hate is stronger than love

and love gives birth to hate that easily

why are you still in my thoughts?

no song, no poem is written for you

but all remind me you

I cannot stand any of these

I must be myself without you

yet without you I cannot be

 

 

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dreams are stronger

poem
————————-

I saw a couple today happy

seeing them deepens my sorrow

reminds me…. inside

inside is so hollow

I am missing a part of me

I can’t steer my way around

pain is sharp, my legs tremble

it exhausts me

reality hurts so dreams are better

I long somewhere in another world

where I am…

I am…….

where there is that little line on your cheek!

that makes you all sweet and speak!

seeing that again I can reach to the moon!

humming the sweetest tune!

I fuel the blaze around my feelings

it reaches the sky

gazing up I smile

remembering that I left you behind

much later than you have had

they start to fall from the sky, the ashes

like the wedding veil I embraced

my eyes softened, gazing low

feeling everything I longed for

I lift my own veil

see, dreams are stronger

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heart-break nostalgia

I do not know why but in the last week I have been thinking about my latest heartbreaker quite intensely.

The nights are the worst; why do I experience this? Do I not make myself tired, amused with life, or busy enough?

Nights have always been my favorite time of the day. Quiet, peaceful, relaxing, and all mine…

Not lately.

Lately, he has been in my mind. The bitterness, annoyance, rejection, and pain, all of them, seem to have lifted all of a sudden. I care about him as much as before. I am smitten all over again.

I swear I did not see that coming.

“…I will not walk with you on the same path again

You put traps for those who walk with you..”

today’s bits (and love, heartbreak, music, and lyrics)

It is almost midnight – this might be one of the rare cases of my late-night posts 🙂

I have had a great work day today. There was no people interrupting me, no phones ringing, no snow storms lurking on our heads. I just worked within the relaxing and focused atmosphere of my office till past 5.30 pm.

It was so productive that I did not want to come home – if I was not hungry enough I would as well continue to work at the office.

It has been a while that I have felt that way. As a matter of fact, I have realized more and more lately how un-protective or stressful it has been for me to work at home in the afternoons between the last summer and the new year. By staying in the office till 5 or 6 pm since the beginning of the new year, I feel like the time I need for work is doubled, abundant, and available to me. I am feeling more relaxed, better about my performance, less stressed about time, and more productive as a result.

I love these 🙂

The entire day I worked on a report of a member of my team – one of the delayed tasks of mine. I am close to finishing it, which I expect to happen next week. That is very motivating. With this motivation, I continued to work on another document till 30 min ago – wow! 🙂 It is going well too and I hope to draft and submit my report in a week or so. One more hard work is on the way to completion and I have no feelings but positive ones for spending this Friday night with work 🙂

…………………………………………….

On a separate note, I have been stuck at listening to a song lately; I asked my friend, who introduced me to this song a couple of days ago, to help translate the lyrics.

I was right – this song is amazing……. Care to listen?

……………………………………………………………………………..

“…I will not walk with you on the same path again

You put traps for those who walk with you

I will never touch your skin either

You have your walls standing right before your skin

By hitting these walls

Again and again

I got covered by calluses

and because of tears and crying

I now am covered in mosses…”

……………………………………………………………………………..

 

stretching class tonite

So I went to participate in the yoga class this evening, which is in effect a stretching class. I was over-protective of my back but to my surprise, my back felt and did just perfect.

Almost each of the classes, I come to realize something, come up with a great idea, or just find myself smile.

Rarely, tears go down and tonite was one of these sessions.

I was not upset, sad, or depressed. In contrast, the reason tears came down was this genuine appreciation of connecting with my body.

See, these classes make me think about my body, like my back, shoulders, legs, hips, face, hands, or wherever we are trying to stretch. The instructor also guides us and mentions about our internal organs (how they are massaged by some of the stretches or poses), which made me think and feel the most precious love for my heart and lungs tonite.

I also have the chance to see my feet in these classes (always wearing socks except in these classes) and I happen to have that precious, genuine, and sincere love for them, too; their shape… the fingers…the toes… the nails… the skin… the way they are designed… the way they move…the way they differ from each other… I just love seeing them and feeling this love.

Realizing,.. no, remembering the existence of my body, seeing and feeling it, and connecting with it were what create these overwhelming feelings and the reason of my tears of joy tonite.

When did I get so unconnected to my own body, which has been working so well all these years, defining me in so many different ways, and making me an alive and well functioning organism?

If you could find a chance today or tomorrow or the days after tomorrow, take a minute to connect to your body and your organs; listen it, feel it, watch it, admire it, love it.

🙂

 

A Game of Thrones; choices

The more I read, watch, and think about the “A Game of Thrones” book by the author George RR Martin, the more I am fascinated.

This book so far has been about unique and creative circumstances the author created, reactions of a chunk of characters to these circumstances, conflicting emotions (love versus other values such as duty or honour particularly), being human and being susceptible to the glory or the tragedy, and most importantly, about making choices.

Long story short; the author is telling us that harder the circumstances, easier (and perhaps inevitable) it gets to make the harder choices.

what is it with George RR Martin and love? – II

I am increasingly thinking that the author George RR Martin has the love and contradictions it causes in life as one of the central, if not the central, theme, in his book “A Game of Thrones”.

I am reading a Jon Snow chapter again where the Maester Aemon talks to Jon about the reason why the men of the Night Watch are sworn to not marry or father children (page 662). Simply put, he says that it is almost impossible to carry on a duty or being dedicated to a cause/honour unless love is eliminated from their life, otherwise at one point or the other, there will be a situation when one needs to choose (love over duty/honour, or vice versa) (to some extend of course, as their lives do not exclude the brotherly love they have for each other. I believe this is even necessary should they want to keep their order together).

Maester Aemon says that “we are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy“.

It is indeed, especially in this book.

I have not read the entire series of the books yet but so far, we have this theme meshed up in this saga in many different ways, by many different characters (Jamie Lannister, Ned Stark, King Robert).

Love is such a strong, influential feeling. I want to ask; when was the last time one has made a choice (right or wrong) for love, because of love?

On a separate note, I love it when Master Aemon says Jon that as someone who has gone through this choice before (after he makes it known to Jon that he is a Targaryen), he cannot say whether Jon should stay or go (at that time, Jon’s father Ned Stark has been arrested for treason charges against King Joffrey) and whatever Jon chooses, he is the one to live with the consequences of the choice for the rest of his life (i.e. Aeron did not impose any choice on Jon, which is admirable).

I guess Maester Aemon has suffered too much of his own choice (of not leaving the Night Watch to help his brother and his family). Apparently, when he made his choice it was the right choice. But this does not make it the right choice for all the time.

Love, duty, honour, values, choices, contradictions, and regrets; life as it is.

I am loving this book deeper and deeper every day.

 

 

 

what is it with George RR Martin and love?

I do not know what recently fascinates me more about the book “A Game of Throne” by the author George RR Martin; his creativity or his thoughts/observations on love?

I am reading a Jon Snow chapter in the book and there is a sentence with a similar tone to “The things I do for love” (by Jaime Lannister) and “The lies we tell for love” (by Ned Stark).

While Mormont at the Night Watch telling Jon Snow about the death of King Robert and the arrest of his father, Ned Stark, he says “They say the king loved to hunt. The things we love kill us every time, lad” (page 561, A Game of Thrones, GRRM).

 

Lots to think about.

 

A Game of Thrones – what wrong we can do for love?

What would you do for the people you love?

In biology, there is this concept that is called “kin selection”, which says that people (and sometime animals) can sacrifice (lives or materials) for the well-being of genetically close individuals, such as family members. It is also possible to do so for non-genetically close but culturally or value-wise close communities/societies: defending countries in wars is a good example.

Anyways, you know my fascination with the George RR Martin’s “A Game of Thrones” (the first book of the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series) and puzzlement by the phrase uttered by the character Jaime Lannister “the things I do for love” right before he pushes the character Bran out of the window to presumably protect himself, his lover-twin sister Cersei, and their 3 kids (and yes, I still am disgusted by this incestious relationship).

Since these two characters (Jaime and Cersei) are possibly the most hated ones at the beginning of the book(s), it is so hard to believe for me that a great and pure feeling as love would be felt by them and can have a direct role in such a horrible act (that eventually crippled Bran, a 7 years old boy at the time of the incident).

Yet, later in the book we see a similar phrase “the lies we tell for love“, this time by possibly the most liked character, Ned Stark (page  504, A Game of Thrones, GRRM), when he chooses to write “my heir” rather than “my son Joffrey” in the will that King Robert is dictating him at his death bed. Ned stark does this as he believes Joffrey is not King Robert’s son and has no claim to the throne. Ned Stark, who is the most honorable character in that book, thus slips to the dark side…

Or not?

Should Ned have done the right thing and write down the exact words dictated by the King? Or, was what he has done the right thing?

I keep wonder; what is the right thing to do in this situation?

Consider a parent stealing food to feed his children who have not eaten in the last one week. This act is wrong, but then how about the alternative? What is worse and more wrong – to steal or to starve your children and let them die?

If you had read the book (or watched the movie) “Sophie’s Choice by the author William Styron”, you will notice a similar dilemma where no choice is better than the other.

I do not wish anyone to have such dilemmas in their lives. But as these examples make it clear sometimes there is no better alternative, a clean solution. Sometimes all possibilities are bad or unacceptable one way or the other. I hope no one will find themselves in such situations and will always have a chance to do the right thing.

Another hats-off to George RR Martin for not only writing a highly creative saga but also constantly challenging our minds and understandings.

 

all gone

poem
————————-
yesterday, I wanted to remember you
the way you looked, the way you felt
closed my eyes, forced myself even
no my dear, I cannot believe in
no part of my heart is yours
no part of my mind is of dreams
it’s all gone my dear, all gone
love, need, pain, and longing
no dark silences, no more agony
love ended first, now the misery
none matters, none dear
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Hardest love

poem
————————-
the hardest love is the love towards
the ones we know most
their heart that beats at fights
or upon the beauty’s sight
their mind that thinks fair
or pulls one down with tear
their hand that chokes the beasts
as it sways away the fears
the eyes that shine
when they lie
the hardest love
my friends, the hardest love
is to know all these
and love anyhow
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I think Jamie Lannister will “choose” love

Alright; again the Game of Thrones madness here.

I just asked in a previous post “What exactly did he mean when he said “we do not get to choose whom we love”.

He, the character Jamie Lannister, used this phrase twice in the TV series; once while speaking to Brienne and then to Myrcella, his daughter.

I believe Jamie will eventually “choose” whom he will love. Will she be Brienne? Will she be Cersei (OMG, I hope not)?.. But, nevertheless I am not sure. But I guess if I was the author (which I am not), then that (i.e. choosing whom to love) would be one reason to emphasize this sentence.

We all will see; hopefully Jamie will not be killed by the author just yet. I will be totally disappointed and will refuse to read or watch any further.

Man… this story is captivating.

You know why?

even though it develops somewhere and sometime we will never know, I guess we all relate to or understand somethings about ourselves while watching or reading it (eventually the author is a human and he I assume meshes his story around the human emotions in addition to the imagination). That is why. At least, this is the case for me. However wrong or cruel some of the contents are.

Great work George RR Martin.

Games of Thrones and thoughts

I have been silent lately as I am busy watching Game of Thrones (GoT) 🙂

I could not resist and purchased the 5 books in the series – as a gift. I plan to read them during the holidays. Cannot wait!

This series of books (as they say) as well as the HBO TV series are full of violence and amoral behavior. I am not in favor of these and not going to further dwell into or discuss these aspect in detail. If you are interested in, many others did discuss these; just check the internet; there are many colorful discussions. Thus, I must say my interest in GoT is not about how wrong and cruel some of its contents are, but how creative and original are the stories and the imaginary world and time (the author George RR  Martin did a great job), and the questions it creates in my mind.

For one, GoT is no fairy tale where everything eventually gets better, good people triumph over the bad, and love always is cherished and wins. The dynamics of the stories is very shocking as no character is immune to violence, injustice, or death. The lives of anyone can be turned up or down any minute, anywhere, by any means.

This story, hence, more than anything else tells how unpredictable life is. Life we all can know, and even though the life in GoT cannot be comprehended fully (the rich array of life experiences described, some of which can only be known by reading history books, meshed in a creative tale that develops in a time and place that we never can know, perhaps unless we read the books), we can still relate.

A couple of characters are easy to admire (e.g. Ned Stark), some are easy to hate (e.g. Cersei Lannister, Joffrey Lannister), some are easy to relate to (e.g. Brienne of Tarth), some are easy to entice us by their wit and intelligence (e.g. Tyrone Lannister), and some are confusing, somehow disgusting, somehow humane, and continuously developing (e.g. Jamie Lannister).

I have been mostly interested in the interactions and influences on each other of Brienne and Jamie lately. The character development in the case of Jamie is interesting; such an easily hateable, in some ways disgusting (by today’s values), and sadly (as it is revealed later in the story) mostly misunderstood (as he never felt the need to make a case about himself) and vastly manipulated (by his own weaknesses) character can work on changing and redeeming himself is very, very interesting.

There have been a couple of things I have learnt/liked from the interactions of Brienne and Jamie in the story. Honor, loyalty, values, conflicting priorities, success, defeat, comradeship (the main theme later in the Brienne and Jamie story), support, kindness, and love (not only the romantic love) all of which can be and should be interpreted within a context. Context dependency, which is one of my interest in real life, makes all of these way more interesting than usual for me (this is the reasons why I noted above that reading the books that describe the world and time when these stories develop may be the only way to understand these stories).

Some fans on the internet say that Brienne and Jamie are in love with each other; most think it is obvious in the case of Brienne, but Jamie’s case is not clear. I am not sure about this yet. I think these two have a special bond; they both find something in each other that they did not experienced with others. Yet, I do not think it is a romantic love. Not yet.

One thing struck me about their relationship though; I started to think about the different types of love, even so called romantic love. The poem I have written yesterday directly reflects this. It does not always happen that I start re-evaluating things and experiences in life as basic as love – that tells me that these books and these two characters somehow help develop my understanding. That, too me, is both surprising and priceless.

It looks like you will hear from me about GoT in the coming days and months. Just let me get my books 🙂

eyes ice blue

poem

————————-

Oh, Brienne..

why was honor your most cherished value?

standing tall, shaky but somewhat mighty

all you cared was honor, loyalty

 

underneath your toughness was perceptiveness

kindness you would know if in presence

you were gentle somehow but this was not seen

they laughed at you, this has always been

while you did not care for womanliness

boy, did you crave for acceptance

 

tough life; suffering souls kept you company

one was your enemy

Jamie, the troll that would call you

the beast, the ugliest..

he fell once and lost his pride

with that was shattered his hide

you listened, eyes ice blue

no tears, no wrinkles, no affection

you understood and he knew

 

with one arm leaning on your shoulder

his persona was geared to stride

you saved him once and then he

for no obvious reason, that is be

you two battered souls battled first

then relied upon and you both nursed

 

they say you are in love

and he is too but does not know

I saw you together, there were moments

but I realized I did not know what love is

I have been thinking since then;

there must be different types of love

different than what I know

Oh Brienne….

what have you done?

———————–

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confusion of love

poem

—————————–

I read a story yesterday
there was love as I dream it
it pained me sort of, perplexed
I recognized the love in the text
but not the one that we had
was it love, darling?
what we had;
was it love?
………………..
what was love, darling?
……………….
in my dream
or in my deem
there was no love, darling
that was not a dream
—————————–
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Wren

poem

———————

he looked in a way that
only she would understand
it was quiet and painful..
smiles were dead, silence was hurtful
pain drilled her eyes
heading low, sinking towards
all the pain
they have gone thru
this one she not knew
eye lids closed, cheeks cold
she just wished he had told
his reasons for giving up
words could have been forgotten
but silence.. no it cannot be forsaken…
she dreamed for heartlessness
whatever breath left with her
she walked away, dull and worthless
she wished he had
looked up and said
“goodbye sweetheart”
to ease her demise
no… but… no…
she turned around disbelieving
he was lying on the bed
his head turned to right
watching the wren on the window trim
as it pecked lovingly with the sun beam
———————
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silence

poem

——————————-

today I dreamt about you;

we were together again, walking

on the streets of the city we love

chatting formally and distant first, and then

bursting into laughter for no reason

we were what we were years ago;

no matter how distant now our hearts are

we were close once we were together

nothing much changed…. nothing much differed…

your voice, look, and smile decidedly

and still was exciting and ineradicable

yet, reality struck once the abrupt silence arrived

the closer we were, the more clear it was

none of these was true….none of these mattered……

——————————-

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timeless

poem

————————-

we both aged

I am not pretty anymore;

my hair turned gray

teeth stained

arms weakened

body changed

I put make up darling

to lift my spirit

I smile more darling

to radiate

all have been changing

saddening me…

I knew what aging meant

for you, for me

oh, darling….

not once you have told me

how pretty I was

that my smile warmed you

my sight delighted

my love was the light

around you

no, darling, no..

you have not, not even once

talked about aging

as if i was that 20 years old girl

you first had met

————————-

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friendship

I just read somewhere about cherishing our friends; it said when they are loyal, they are priceless. Or something like that. There was also a picture of two young women hugging each other with large smiles on their faces 🙂

I have had such friends and I am very lucky to have them.

When I started thinking about my friends, I could not remember what made them being in my live for so long, with so many memories. Was it their kindness? Loveliness? Respect? Sincerity? Support in bad times? Being happy for me when great things happened? Being excited for me, with me? Spending time with our families? The care we show each other? The extra steps we have taken for each other?

What drives these behaviour? Why some people care about us and become great friends and then many others cannot?

See, I cannot put my finger on what makes friends friends. What distinguish them from thousands of other people I have met in my life….

I made the majority of my friends before the age of 30. We studied together, we laughed and cried together. We trust each other. We love each other. I would not change them to the world. The only good friend I have made after the age of 30 is a great person, a colleague of mine who is smart, humane, kind, funny, and dependable. I wonder whether I will make another one in my future – possibly not.

I love my friends. Perhaps I will never know the reasons that led them and me keep being friends, love and care about each other for so many years, but I know that I am grateful for them for ever.

Next time I see them, I will give them an extra hug.

The life in the diary – XVII

Fiction

———————————————————————–

May 11, 2013

It is one of those days that I feel cheerful for no reason.

I grabbed my jacket and left the house for a nice walk. The fresh air is so lovely; feeling it on my cheeks, on my skin. Time to time there is a little breeze that caresses me. The sky is open and blue and it is around 25 C. It is a perfect spring day 🙂

As usual, I walk with my hands in my pockets – for some reason, that makes me feel good. Very good. It automatically puts a smile on my face and lift my upper back up. No more sluggish walking. Confidently and cheerfully I start to walk.

The street is wide and long; I can see the road ahead crossing it and the shops at the far end. They have bright colors, these shops do. I know they are doing this on purpose to appeal clients. Well, they are doing a good job by getting my attention as well as by making me feel grateful for what I see. Not surprisingly, I am a good customer of one of these stores.

I enter the store. I love this store as there are so many items that I regularly love to check. I for sure forget everything by just focusing on their items. And their prices and variety options. I have got my most cherished CD in this store years ago. I loved it so much that I had also bought a copy for a cousin of mine. The personal grooming and cleaning products are my favorites; I love the lip-stick that I keep buying from this store, for example. It is a glossy cherry-brown; neither too red nor too brown. It lifts my spirit up while also preventing them from drying. I love my lip-stick…

I do not buy anything this time, knowing that I am rather on my way to a long and relaxing walk. I leave the store, turn right, and start to walk down the street towards downtown. My home is located right at the perimeter of downtown, so it is 10 minutes walk to it. I feel excited about this. I always loved being around people, around movement. There is some kind of energy that transfers right into me. Maybe I am an energy-Dracula (this idea makes me chuckle 🙂 )

I do not have a definite plan as to where to go. I am free to go wherever my feet carry me, free to stop wherever I wish. The freedom, the feeling of having no rush, is giving me serenity, a mental chill. Not the bad type. Like water distinguishing a fire. It cools down my nerves and makes me breathe just fine. Slowly. Steadily. Peacefully.

I see a little store and get in. This is the store whose coffee I like. The hazelnut coffee!… Smell is mesmerizing me…. I buy a large cup, pay the clerk, and get out to continue my walk. I am in love with the smell and the taste of my coffee. I smile for no reason and shrug my shoulders as if to say “I do not care about anything, anyone, or any memory right now; this moment is mine and mine only. And I am enjoying it“.

I look at another cafe on the right side. I come here time to time, not for the coffee but for the fresh pastry. During spring and summer months, it is a great pleasure to sit at a table outside while eating fluffy pastry. Watching people walking up and down the street and feeling the sun on my skin…

Come to think about it, I have so many things that I like about this city and about my life. Who is happier than me right now? Who can possibly be? I have a lovely drink at my hand, walking in a fine spring day. I feel happy. For no reason or little reasons. I am lucky to have all of these.

I stop at the lights to wait for our turn. I remember how I had once skid and fell in the middle of the road in a winter day. It was my first experience with the black ice; never saw the darn thing. People had offered to help me get on my feet. For such a big city, people are great; they have not forgotten to be considerate and helpful. I love these people. I love this city.

Finally it is green light and I walk in between 30-40 people towards the center of downtown. There is the organic store on my left I check time to time. Teas and spices are my interest. Especially one of the herbal teas; I cannot remember its name. It is odd but I affirm that I will remember it later. Better yet, I can go to store anytime and recognize it by its look. I have a good memory still yet.

I contemplate about visiting the book stores a couple of streets ahead. I have spent so much time in them, often to distract my paining mind that I do not want to get in there today. I shake my head and continue. I love books but I need not to remember my pain. Not today. Not now. Not for some time.

I glance at the tall building on the right side. I used to live in that building once. Whenever I am around, I look up to see my ex-flat on the 30th floor. The glass window in the living room was awesome, as it would show the downtown with no reservation whatsoever. I could see not only the buildings around, but the hot dog stands, the bus terminal, and a little bit of the harbor at a distance…. People were everywhere… The nights had the best view; the lights scattered around the dark blue sky and the brown sidewalks. Even in the middle of the night, this city was alive. Energetic. Awake. Listening. And with it, I would lie awake on my couch, listening, but mostly lethargic. Sometimes crying, sometimes thinking. But mostly peaceful and serene.

I loved that flat and my life in it. Come to think about it, I had hard times there too, but it is the best things, best and happiest memories I tend to remember. Making peace with my past seems to come to me naturally. Only after years of remembering all of course….

to be continued

————————————————-

The life in the diary – XVII

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what are the 20 things you love?

What are the 20 things that you love and come to your mind when someone asks you?

Here is my list: I am surprised that I have perfume and slush socks in this list – I had not realized how much I like them until I was asked this question 🙂

Go ahead – create your own list! Enjoy 🙂

PS; this list is for items only; people we love do not need to be included.

  1. books
  2. spices
  3. perfume
  4. stationary items, including pens and notebooks
  5. TV, computer, phone, and internet
  6. soft slush socks
  7. blanket/throw
  8. photo albums
  9. plants; bamboo and orchid particularly
  10. coffee
  11. hot sauce
  12. yogurt
  13. bread salad
  14. bagels cheese
  15. hand cream
  16. sun glasses
  17. mascara and lip-stick
  18. floss
  19. slippers
  20. eggs

Fiction bits – III

Fiction bits

——————————————————————

The room was silent and certainly depressing. I wasn’t sure whether our presence made it better or just worse.

She came in hesitantly. When he saw her, he broke a smile first. Then, his eyes turned dark…. She left silently.

Nurses came; we nervously watched him moved to the OR.

I saw her facing the window in the hall; her face was still emotionless.

I got furious, but stopped abruptly as I came close.

Her face was still, she didn’t even blink, but tears were streaming from her eyes down to neck. Crystal-like drops. Like diamonds.

Inside, she was shattered.

The Wren, Sept 23, 2015

——————————————–

Fiction bits – III

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Fiction bits – II

Fiction bits

——————————————————————

I could not find myself yet.

Dreams left me first. They were now blackened by the reality, stifling, and heavily cankered. One side of me still wanted to nurture them; I fell asleep caressing them and I got up loving everything back again… Inevitably, each dawn turned into the day and with the day, each day, I felt the fear. First the fear of losing them, then the fear of losing my sanity.

It was agonizing, but no matter how ceaselessly I lingered in this furious and heinous cycle, I never became ready to let them go. It was the dreams that finally left me; they managed to rip off my weakened grab, walked slowly to freedom, and left me behind, void, and blind to sentiment.

I do not know what was more painful; parting with the only dreams I have had or having no dreams at all?

——————————————–

Fiction bits – II

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candid thoughts

There are times that very heavily I remember the “loves of my life”.

I was lucky enough to love two wonderful men. I do not know what prompts me to remember and wonder how they are.  Are they well? Healthy? Happy? Do they remember me? Ever. How do they feel if they do?

I am lucky that both of them are still alive – to my knowledge. Cannot take the pain of thinking they are being dead. I am so lucky that I have not experienced this yet.

Love is an interesting thing; you do not know where you will find it, and when and how you will lose. Or how it will affect you. It does affect, right? To me both cases were detrimental, with years of trying to forget, trying to get over. They, however, never leave my mind (or my heart for that matter) for good. A part of me is theirs.

I am okay with this. Not that I am interested in the pain of longing or mourning for all the lost possibilities that could be experienced with them. No. It is just that I am glad they were in my life. And I got the chance to love them deeply.

One of the bloggers said in a post last week that he rather prefers to be loved deeply than widely. It struck me hard, as that reminded me many things (I had slightly touched this topic earlier in a post of mine). The reason I had written about it then was a book; The faults in our stars”, a novel by John Green where the author makes a case for being loved widely versus being loved deeply. A friend of mine had mentioned to me this last year, after which I had bought and read the book. I had found it interesting (amazing that a book can make such a shift in my understanding of things). When you think about it, do you not find it interesting? Which one would you like?

Being loved deeply must be a beautiful thing. Loving deeply certainly is.

I am not sorry that I loved that much. At the end of the day (or till the end of my life), I will be grateful for these two men for being so lovable and so amazing.

That is one of the few candid posts I have written where I split opened my heart. Anyways, I think it is okay, as I can not be the only one who loved and then lost.

Live, laugh, and love.

leave me be

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love struck I was

smiling for no reason

life was pretty

love was a must

hungry I was

for all seasons

rain did not bother

snow, hey, was just there

standing tall

feeling lively

lifelike I was

gone, gone, gone

tears came and when done

emptied I was, emptied

my heart in three pieces

sigh…………….

broken it was, broken

not once but twice

suffice it was, the price

be gone

do not remember me

or call my name

be gone, you

be gone to another love

suck its blood while you can

drain if you wish

but do not let me be

do not let me be…

leave me

leave me be

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my love, there was a lot of things you have not done

—————————————————

it is damn true you have not asked me out
on a date; that was all I wanted
you have not loved, cherished, or cared
made me yours, happy and elated
you have not hurt me either
or bullied me, made jokes out of me
pulled pranks or swore
my love, there was a lot of things you have not done
but some were just fine

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Fiction bits – I

Fiction bits

——————————————————————-

Maybe it is true – when a man loves, you know it. You do not anticipate it. You do not ask for it.

You just know it.

Today I breathe just like anyone else who has gone through her life. Battles won, hardships survived. But my heart remains broken.

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Fiction bits – I

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aching dreams

they say when you break a bone

even after healing

you can still feel it lightly aching;

how true it seems….

one of these days that my heart aches

over an old heart-break

there were things to live, things to say

things to experience, things to share,

and things to be happy with

life would have been different,

more content maybe, more exciting,

and more fulfilling..

or maybe not….

possibly not actually.

well, what did I expect?

without living that love,

one can only cry

after the dreams

for the dreams

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cycle of life

Today I went to the funeral service of my colleague, who we lost all of a sudden 10 days ago. It was emotionally very charging, yet we also had many opportunities to remember him and have laughs. The crowd represented family and coworkers and it was a beautiful service.

After that we left to celebrate the birthday of another colleague of us. It was somehow weird but we said right at the beginning that we were going to celebrate life this afternoon. And we made it; many fine people showed up, we had nice conversations, and we did not forget to acknowledge our colleague whose funeral service we just came back.

Then, something nice happened. At the restaurant I saw one of my good friends, whom I had not seen in the last year. She is an amazing and intelligent girl, who said she just got married all of a sudden! She is married to a wonderful man. She looked so happy, I was happy for her, and my sorrow we have had earlier at the funeral service has lifted.

Life seems to continue with all the ups and downs. It is hard to lose someone valued. very hard. Yet, it was also amazing to celebrate a birthday and a wedding news at the same time. Life is life, even though I cannot say that I will fully understand it. Perhaps, the main point is that it will operate in ways that we will not predict or understand; and that is why it is more important to enjoy it by appreciating the people we have in our lives now. Not later.

As one of my colleagues said after the funeral “I do not know whether it is good to die all of a sudden or to know it before hand so that we can say the things we would like others to know. But maybe even better would be to say now whatever we would like to say to others, without death being in the equation. Why to wait?”.

the sameness

if you had seen me desperate

if you had believed I was desperate

would you love me more?

if I was in pain

and had broken into tears

with wrinkles around my eyes deepening

my lips trembling….. trembling

like the sands under the the last ocean wave

would your pain lessen?

having more mercy than pain this time

the sameness…

between you and I..

would you find it?

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there were times

there were times when we had just walked

on the streets of the city I loved

there were times we had dined

in the places you have chosen

there were times we just fought

well.. rather I have; you’ve hardly spoken

these were the times

the thunders were gone

and the rain had fallen for the last time

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goodbyes

Yesterday I have read a blog where a terminally ill patient wrote a “goodbye” post after her treatment failed her and she entered into hospice care.

That goodbye post profoundly affected me in multiple ways. There are a couple of people whom I would not speak to (or they would not speak to me), whom I care about, whom I once loved but did not have a chance to make a good end to our relationships. Considering these, and also that our lives can end any time, I had a tough time yesterday.

If they were sick or dead, I would be saddened beyond their imagination. Knowing that there were things I wanted to say to clarify our interactions, apologies to make, questions to ask to understand them better, and one last hug to show that none of the things happened or did not happen in the past were important now. Knowing that we had no or little chance to do all of these, unless something drastic happens and unless we are given time and opportunity to do so. Knowing all of these hurt.

I loved these individuals more than they can imagine. I loved them deeply, as there was no end to my love for them, regardless of whatever or whoever they were or whatever had happened or had not happened between us.

I loved them timelessly, as not only one spring (where things are the most hopeful, positive, and lovely), but many years (with continuous cycle of different seasons, different grieving, reflections, and healing) passed while my feelings for them excited me, made me happy, and then tormented and emptied me.

I really loved them, as I know I would still love them if I had a chance to be with them, even it has been years or decades since I have last seen/talked to them.

Sickness and death are powerful in the sense that when we face them, then the little things do not matter any more. It becomes easy to forgive and forget all the things that helped our ego or our pain to keep us at an angry, cold, and resentful state.

It is important to say a proper goodbye, it is important to have and show compassion for each other while ending relationships. It is important to remember each other with a smile and warmness in the heart, rather than having the heaviness of negative feelings. I know they have compassion, I know I have, too. I also know neither me nor them will make a move any time soon to restore our compassion and kindness for each other.

Love you both.

forgotten

you did good ending this

running and spreading your coldness

frozen I was; frozen

did not cry, did not complain, did not vent

peace it was; only frozen

dreamt about you the other day

woke up trying to remember

forgiving I was; forgetting

did not remember, did not hate, did not cry

forgotten you were; forgotten

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the movie “Cast Away”

I am watching the movie “Cast Away”, which evoked a bunch of different emotions; from stress (the initial part of the movie), to a sense of adventure (the life on island), courage or indifference (sailing away from the island), beauty in nature (when the whale and the character exchange glances), hope (when the cargo ship passes next to the character), healing (when the character flies back home on a plane), gratefulness (when the character is back to civilized life), love (when he sees his sweetheart again), the heart-break (when the character cannot get his sweetheart back in his life).

Possibly under different conditions, yet we all experience these emotions throughout our lives. I felt for the character especially when he realized he cannot get his love back.

Love makes it or breaks it.

May your heart stay strong.

remember me

gather all the leaves

on the ground

on a fall day and

look at the colours

remember me; me

whose feelings were

genuine; me

whose thoughts were

resilient; me

whose heart was

expanding; me

whose mind was free;

free from fears

free from emotional breaks

free from prejudice

me;

my colour was orange;

remember me.

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there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

there are times that you stream like a river in my heart

quiet and peaceful;

forgetting the internal fights and the thunder outside

I look at you and I find myself adoring

all speechless just gazing.

there are times that I gain strength from you

I stand tall, with a large smile;

I am invulnerable

confident that I can reach to moon

humming the sweetest tune.

Then I want to walk with you, within you

I jump in, alas! your stones bleed my feet

your stream suffocates me;

feeling you and not being with you

that is, my love, how it hurts

each time you go through me

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not forsaken

..no…

tonite I thought about you

bored mind makes things happen

plus, the stage; that curtain, those lights..

I remembered all; and all was misshapen

…yes…

I have not forgiven, yet forgotten

cannot smile to your memory

nor care;

not sad…. not forsaken

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old scars remain in memory long

you will find me one day in a distant time

or email me somehow out of blue

unsurprisingly will say hi

and wish good things to me

response from me? hmm…

eh! you deserve an unwelcoming attitude!

and I will be happy to give it to you

honey; you messed real bad

old scars remain in memory for long

riddle as much as you want

response will be cold, very cold

“I do not know you”

be aware; that is no joke

lame listens, strong admits

“erred I am, terribly sorry”

perfectly undeserving my attention

explain further how wrong you were

riddle as much as you want, if you dare!

surrounded with dignity while turning my back

opting for no other moment with you

naming the day my day and my day only.

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Go

Go.

leave me with my life

I am better with no emptiness

with no longing so restless

and feeling constant silliness

Go.

never show up in the coming years

ever

with ordinary words, hi’s, how are you’s

with your false tears and sweetness

Go.

live yourself somewhere

for you I have no forgiveness

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turn of the heart

In some cases, dislike is such a great follow-up to liking someone first.

Why do we like someone and then dislike? Well, I guess as we learn more about these people over time, through more interaction or observation,  we kind of form our true feelings about people.

Yet, the most interesting ones are those who I have liked for so long (years/decades) and then suddenly (often accompanied by an unacceptable behaviour) started to dislike/to be irritated.

Where are all the previous positive emotions?? This turn of the heart is the one that I find the most interesting.

the truth about love

The simple truth is not everyone can love the way we want it.

There are personal differences among people (e.g. some people like to show it, some people do not like to show it, some people show love in an artificial way); the levels of love towards each other can differ from one person to other (e.g. low, medium, high, unconditional, conditional, permanent, transient, cyclic), and there are expectations that can vary among people (e.g. call me, do not call me, where is my flower/meal, blah blah..) .

The best love we can have is therefore the one we have for ourselves; there is no complications; only ourselves.

Love yourself the best; you deserve it.

love, strength, sacrifice, and rarity

Loving someone gives an incredible strength – have you ever felt like moving the mountains for someone? Caring and being affectionate and considerate for someone so much that you would sacrifice from yourself, whether time, money, or life? To care for someone that much is not easy, for which I am grateful. Otherwise I think we all would be torn down.

which one is better – to love or to be loved? teachings of mutual and unmutual love

A couple of days ago, I had asked; “which one is better? to love or to be loved?”

it is such a simple question; yet the answer may not be. I have had a couple of conversations about it with my friends and I am surprised that it may mean different things to people.

That made me think a little bit deep. I am not sure how that will evolve, but I know I sometime value to love more than being loved, but it is conditional. With family and friends, it is both; I love loving them and being loved by them.

With the romantic encounters, it gets a little bit complicated; there are mutual love cases where both sides love each other. I wonder whether in this case could one distinguish between “the love we feel towards that person and the feelings induced by being loved by them” (see below)? How does this work I have no idea.

The un-mutual love cases on the other hand, are interesting. If you ever experienced this; e.g. you love someone, but that person does not love you back, or you are loved by someone but you do not love the same person, you would know how it feels in either case.

Loving someone in one case and being loved in another case; which one do you think is better?

I am not sure which one is better; to love or to be loved?

I have been amazed by some of the feelings I have felt while trying to write love poems (re: Kate’s short story). It is an impossible love; maybe that is why it is so but, I am thinking; I do not think I have ever been loved that sincerely, deeply, tirelessly, or consistently in my life.

I am not sure which one is better; to love or to be loved. Applauding those who have experienced either or both of them; I hope you cherish it and treat that love like a miracle.

cheerful poem

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they seem not to know

how lovely I have seen life

how different I was too

when I was around you

I have no anger left in me

to encounter this

so I cry, I cry now

whenever someone asks

why the hey did I love you

but not anyone else

they seem to forget calculations

or maybe it was me

that among all, billions of men

I chose you, what the hey! 🙂

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Kate’s short story – LVI

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I have never been that much in life, with life

———————————————————————–

I looked at your eyes and I entered a new world

distant and unnoticeable no more

as if it has been the world I was born for

as if my life has had only one purpose

of preparing me for that magical place

by so far depriving me of it

so that in a split second

I would know where I was supposed to be

I looked around and all was clear, brighter

life hopeful and beautiful

the colours I have not seen

the words I have not uttered

the songs were more beautiful even

my heart has never been lighter

my sight sharper, my senses higher

I have never been that much in life, with life

that is what it is in me that has craved hurriedly

for you, for so long, endlessly, tirelessly

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Kate’s short story – LV

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there is a day I do not want to see

———————————————————–

there is a day I do not want to see;

when they tell me that you are gone

do not love me, hate me, all is fine

just do not die before me

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Kate’s short story – LII

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My take on 2014

My take on 2014 is:

family is great.

long-term and solid friends are the best.

work is endless and as such does not deserve my entire time.

my heart first expanded to the size of Atlantic Ocean, then sank to the bottom, and now it does not matter.

and now I am writing; no words to be unuttered, no emotion unendured, no wishes unblessed, and no day unspoken for.

getting close to accepting the defeat

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I hope, my love, one day you will love someone who loves you at least as much as I do.

I hope you will find the sparks, excitement, happiness, and contentment with that girl who deserves you, your gentle manners, your wonderful character, and your lovely laughter.

I hope she will always cherish, respect, and love you; do the right things for you; make you laugh often; give you a warm hug and keep there when you need it; care for your health and well being; relentlessly support you in all of your endeavours, and admire you like nobody else.

I hope she will love your voice and make you hum happy songs all day long; lift you up when you kneeled down, stand next to you when all is troublesome, and be proud of you when you solve all. I hope one day you will marry her and have the daughters you wish for. I hope my love you will be the one to give me these great news.

Have the determination to open your heart to the beauties around you. Share yourself more so that all can know your greatness and human side. Be happy beyond your imagination. Write those pieces, produce those programs, and take the most spectacular photos. Even if life cuts short and none or only some of them happens, know before we perish, how thoroughly, passionately, and tirelessly you were loved. Despite all. Despite by me.

None has touched both my heart and my life as you have, none has left me with myself so fast, so many different times. I love you. One part of me will always be thinking about you, loving, caring, and admiring you.

—————————————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XLVII

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the funny poem

——————————————————————————————————-

I can feel the excitement I would have; butterflies around me

white, light blue, and red; flipping and singing a serenade

I would walk around the house excited, with a smile on my face

looking at the mirror I would see myself, ah! how to turn into a date?

I would put my little hairpins on – the ones that I love so much

my dress would have to be perfect, so would be my shoes

I do not know how many times I would check everything

change dresses, shoes, hair, oh boy, where is the girly muse?

in the middle of this chaos, the phone would ring

you would say you are on your way

I could not know what to do until then, or worse yet

when you arrive, ah.. shyness does not pay

but excitement and excitement! my heart chirping

I would get the dress, the shoes; forget the hair – it is hopeless

do me a favour, my love, put me at ease

give me hug, silently smile, keep me there

say it is gonna be all right, no matter what

this one date I wanna flare.

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Kate’s short story – XLV

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the tango I did not dance

it has been my choice

the length of my hair, colour even

the clothes I have had

the tango I did not dance

the song that moved me in to deep emotions

the book I have not written

the violin I have purchased

the cities I lived in

the love I missed

the love I missed more than anything else

all my choices

now I am middle aged regretting

——————————————————–

PS: I accidentally published this draft – I was going to edit it yet I think that is what it was supposed to be. Leaving it as it is.

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self reflections on a poem re; one part of me is yours

In an earlier post, I had come up with a two-line poem:

one part of me is yours;

I treasure it more than anything else

I have since been perplexed and mesmerized by it because I am not sure whether it is the most romantic or the cheesiest thing I have ever said.

If not cheesy then, what does it mean? What is its significance? What was I thinking while writing it?

I sometime have free-writing sessions where I just type down things as they appear in my mind. That poem was a product of such a session, though I certainly had an inspiring person in my mind. So sadly, I cannot know what was going through my mind at that time.

But I contemplated about the other questions. My current interpretation is that she refers to her feelings, thoughts, care, and memories about him (or maybe just her heart) when she says “one part of me is yours”. That I would say is a romantic thing to say, though one can question why she was his only in part but not entirely. Realistically, one part is good enough. So I will leave it here.

While the first part is a simple but powerful statement, the second part is overly a cliché (e.g. treasure) and an over-generalization (e.g. more than anything else), so there is a little bit of a sharp turn here. Anyhow. But I understand that she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much. Why? Just because it is his? I think that is a critical question to ask but I am not sure whether I have an answer to it yet. Additionally, she sounds overly protective of her “part”; I would say she is determined.

These being said, I need to go back to the section above; “she values and cherishes that “part” of her very, very much“.

Even more than him??

When I reflected on this question, I realized that the entire effort to find a meaning, a label for this poem fell apart. I realized that she does not have him. All she has of him is her “part”. This is her only connection to him; if she loses her feelings, thoughts, memories about him, she loses him. She loses her love. That is why she values it that much.

This poem is not romantic or cheesy; it is a very sad poem.

my love, I can not lose myself in love

————————————————————-

I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

my feelings; those little birdies

new to life, curious and excited

so innocent, so shortsighted

I am excited mostly; just sometime cautious

what will happen to my feelings

once they meet with yours

they can get crushed

they can get cherished

in cherishment is the hope

and the hope I dream

however excited I may be

and my feelings daring and keen

my love, I can not lose myself in love

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XLI

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he was my little morning dove

I once loved a boy

he was young and scarred

life was his biggest enemy

pained in every inch, every moment

all remedies stolen

he had the softest heart I have ever known

gentle, loving, even though broken

he was my little morning dove

to be handled with affection and love

he was my son, my brother, my husband

he was the love of my life

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I have not lost myself in love yet

———————————————————————-

I have not lost myself in love yet

you have not met with my feelings

I can not lose myself in love yet

unless you walk in

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Kate’s short story – XL

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there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you

———————————————————————————–

I could not convince you and now I cannot convince people who care about me. Nowadays there is nothing harder than defending my feelings for you M. As if you are unlovable. As if I am not capable of loving.

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Kate’s short story – XXXVIII

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my love, do something others have not given in

make me another cup of coffee

with awake eyes, just get out of the room

let me lie on the couch, lazily looking at the TV

exhange “good mornings” with a melody

to conceal the shyness in us, as a momentary remedy

pour the coffee in a mug, put it on the little table

let me get off the couch, looking all able

bring that topping you got, let me shake it this time

let me smell and take a sip, oh heaven!

my love, do something others have not given in

please make me another cup of coffee

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I saw you though

I was so young, so naive

when I first met you

I did not see much

among my bunches of trouble

I saw you though

yes, I did my love

yet time was not right

I was not right

this time was better

we both had changed

you were more relax

less reserved

there was no walls around you

mine were gone, too

as usual it took some time

to know in my mind

what went through my heart

did I lose my chance with you?

did I?

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You are damn worthy

There is something strange about loving someone who does not love you back; the damage to the self-esteem, the loss of self-worth.

So she/he does not love you; does that mean you are unworthy?  inadequate?  undesirable? not good enough? unlovable?

Remember how you dared by putting your heart, mind, and love out there?

You are brave, strong, and damn worthy.

that was a girl to move the mountains for

——————————————————————————

I forgave myself and then remembered

the way I was, the feminine side

the girl next door, sweet, lovely, and cute

with nice nails, hair, and dresses

with an adorable shyness

and inherent, challenging toughness

that was a girl to move the mountains for

you made her fall for you with your charm

yet misread her outer calm

feeling defeated, you let it stand in the air

with no care, no feelings to dare

she drifted away mending, understanding

when she knew and eventually opened up to you

you denied all, sought for esteem of your own

and enjoyed every bit of her misery

her tears and years lost to you

became your cherished victory

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Kate’s short story – XXXV

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I dreamed a dream

I dreamed about you tonite

there was a sudden rush of feelings

joy, happiness, and excitement

it was so real, so profoundly felt

you talked to me, held my hands

overwhelmed, I cried silently

tears streaming

I kept looking at you, surprised

what did you feel? what did you think?

of seeing me crying

I kept looking at you

and you telling me these

that you loved me

and you wanted to marry me

that was all you said

that was all you did

did I dream a dream?

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I realize I am jealous

————————————————————————————–

love seems to be everywhere

in songs I listen to

in cards I get, in stories I read

in excitement of a friend

who is getting married

there is no escape from this

twisting, evil pain in my heart

that bursts in flames

shouting at my face

you do not have the love you want!

pained, void, and deeply bruised

I realize I am jealous

————————————————————————————–

Kate’s short story – XXXII

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Do you know what that makes me?

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You would not imagine the role you have in my inner world M.

Did you know I found strength in you? Knowing that there you are, my heart fills with love, affection, and care? Do you know what that makes me? A happy, excited, and strong person, it does.

Did you know I found a chance to know myself better because of you? Knowing that I can love truly? Do you know what that makes me? A self-appreciating and powerful person, it does.

Did you know I found the courage to dream with you? Knowing that my life can be better, a lot better with love? Do you know what that makes me? A brave person, it does.

Did you know I found a better understanding of how selfish I was, almost as much as you were? Knowing that I had lost our mere chance because of this? Do you know what that makes me? A maturing soul, it does.

Did you know I love you more now because of all these things I have learnt about myself?

Knowing that I have profoundly changed?

Do you know what that makes me?

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Kate’s short story – XXXI

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all is undelightful, bland in fact

it hurts deeply that you are gone

all is undelightful, bland in fact

I do not find myself prepare breakfast

the ones that we cherished so much

early in the morning

in the sunny little room next to kitchen

with coffee and cream, tea, and old good food

smiling, chatting, laughing

me being cranky as usual prior to coffee

and you pouring down it in my favourite mug

looking at my eyes, looking for an awakening

similar to spring bringing life to nature

each drop of the coffee getting into me

transforming me into finally a smiling one

you smiling back to me, eyes more than lips

eating with joy, flirt, and taste

ah! loving you for ever my love

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You had what I could not and I had what you would not

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It is true that the more I loved you M., the more I disliked myself. You were kind, nice, full of joy and life. I have never seen you upset or mad. You never talked before thinking, never hurt anybody’s feelings. You always knew the best music, the best CD, the best movie, and the best art show to share. Your manners were exceptional. You always smelled good, walked and talked at the right pace. Your voice was soothing.

You had what I could not and I had what you would not; I could be mean and hot-headed. I snapped pretty easily. I never thought before speaking, and I said whatever went through me. I hurt a lot of people’s feelings just by this. I apologized to more people more often in a single day than you ever did. I walked and talked fast, especially when I was nervous. I hardly was an art-fan or something. I could stink when I sweated. My language was dry, my words were short, and my voice was hoarse. My manners were, meh, just average.

to be continued

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Kate’s short story – XXI

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eclectic I can be

while walking back to home

I imagined I was next to you

we were walking on the streets of the city

and laughing; I was saying

“attention please”

and you were not giving it to me

so instead of getting sad

I did the opposite for a change

I said again attention s’il vous plaît!

and you found that funny this time

so I followed by making words up in French

with a deep accent

with my eyes laughing and my body acting

soft and eclectically

I was silly but radiant

you looked at me all amazed

that was me happy

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nutty love

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I get it; I went nuts

I am doubtful of what I say

what I think, what I feel

my mind is a star away

I keep thinking

how can I be both happy and in pain

because of a love unattainable

I feel on the edge again

many thoughts float in my brain

if it continues like this

I will not be sane

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Kate’s short story – XVII

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end content

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two nights ago

a thought crossed my mind

“this will end one day”

it said

realizing the truth in it

maybe for the first time so naked

I felt the urge to live and panicked

I did know that

I would either regret

not having been with you

or be content

knowing that I did love you

I will not get to choose

which one will show up in my mind

to prevent the regret

forgetting you till then

would be the best

yet I will take the risk

I wish to end content

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Kate’s short story – XVI

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Changing directions

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In the entire story, two things are constant; the hurt and confusion created by ever changing directions of my emotions. One moment I am so profoundly in love with you; nothing and no one else matters. My entire existence is you, thoughts about you, longing for you. And the next day, I feel simply nothing towards you. Sometimes, just sometimes, I just hate you.

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Kate’ short story – XIII

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unassuming of you (#1)

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no Sir,

not yet

you seem not to

have shared

the best of you

and you tell me that

I do not get you?

no Sir,

not yet

without mutual laughter

and time spent together

I can not be guilty of

unassuming of you

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Kate’s short story – XII

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oh man

This is my dilemma: I am a 40-something years old professional and I know what logical or realistic mean and how they differ from fantasy and fiction. Except when it is about feelings.

Or man.

I have a friend who cannot ask the girl he likes out because he thinks the way she dresses is not feminine enough and this puts him off quite a bit. See, he likes colourful stuff, dresses not trousers, and he insists a woman should have a long, and wait for it, blonde hair!

I know the girl likes him, too, but she cannot really understand whether he has got a genuine and sound interest in her because of his conflicting behaviour. It is up to them, but see, knowing both of them, I actually think they would be a lovely couple.

I tried to talk to my friend; I told him that if he had asked her out, I am sure he would be surprised to see how lovely she can be. My friend, remains unconvinced, misses two points:

1) a woman shines around the man she likes. No dress, no colour, no whatsoever can make a woman more radiant, lovely, or feminine than the excitement of being around the guy she likes, and

2) a woman would know the difference between a regular day attire and a date attire. Do men not know how much we care to get ready for our dates? I sure will shop for sometime to choose the best attire, shoes, and the accessories, if I do not have them stashed somewhere already. I will have a fresh hair cut, care for my nails, and polish them to finest. I will do all bunch of things if I am really interested in and if I really like the guy! And depending on his reactions, I can figure out more of his likes and if they are what I like, too (like a nice black dress, my all time favourite or the small hair pins I love so much), then, yes why not? The trick is I would not go to my work like this, but I sure will go to a date different.

Well of course the blonde hair is a little bit off; for the record, I would never change my hair colour for a man. No matter how much I love him (seriously). Only because it is not something I ever wished for myself.

Nobody is perfect but certain things, like attire, nails, this and that can be done if one wants. Do not let such things to slow you and prevent you from asking that nice girl out on a lovely date.

while waiting the end of “us”

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I trashed everything that reminded you. But memories are the worst; how do I bury a part of me?

Nevertheless, with a strange pleasure I can say that it has been four days…I was not able to feel anything for you.

Neither love nor hate.

I did not miss you.

I did not even cry.

There has been other times like this before; none so long, though. I had estimated that over time they would get longer and longer. Then, one would be “it”. “It” would be the end of “us”.

While I cry over you, I often find myself humming “Come What May” of Moulin Rouge; one particular line I like – “suddenly my life does not seem such a waste“. It is such a fragile line.. What happens if one replaces the word “waste” with “mess”?

ah, yes..

There will be an end of us.
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Kate’s short story-V

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the poem of heart

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we all were wrong

it started as a joke
then stuck around
yet I got it serious
and I was into it
maybe it was your joy
may be your loveliness
for whatever reason there I was
waiting you

one fall evening
you gave me a flower
finally thought
you would ask me out
waiting long enough

I asked a friend
“T, do you think he likes me?”
he said with sadness

“no, he does not”
my heart sank…
we all were wrong
and I was
the last one to know
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Kate’s short story-IV

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love comes and goes

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Love comes and goes; that is my observation.

It is such a fragile thing, love is; it is like an unstable chemical that one moment there with all of its intensity requiring all the attention for its needs and then the next time, it is gone … no more the exhilaration, no more the joy, no more the excitement, no more the demands of it.

Nowadays I feel like it does not exist any more and I find a kind of serenity, peace in it. Deep down, though, I know I in fact find a great pleasure for its non-existence towards him. That is possibly my ego talking and if my ego was not strong enough, then I would be deeply saddened by its non-existence; is not my love toward him what I loved more than him?

Things will change soon;  I will choose practising kindness and forgiveness and my ego will subsidize as a result. I will start feeling the intensity of it and its demands from me again. Like someone/something that I cannot say no, I will give my whole attention to ensure its survival. It will drill my heart. I will shed tears.

Human heart is a primitive thing and human mind is a calculating one. This duality is what bothers me most about love.

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Kate’s short story-III

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the sincere poem

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when I was there with you
I had a glimpse of life;
it was beautiful
and exciting.
and I was plain happy.

Happiness, one I got used to too quickly.

did I love you?
I have been pondering over and over again
I cannot know the answer;
as I do not know why I loved you
before and then
but then I came to realize that
when it is just an internal monologue,
it is not love anyway.

but I loved myself when I was with you;
a happy, excited, soft, and expressive intense creature!
Boy! I loved myself then
and now when I remember!

if you are going to stay angry at me
go ahead do that
but if you think you cannot forgive me for that
you are plain wrong

Kate’s short story – II

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love as I understand it today

My first entry better be about love.

I used to think that I could only love something/someone as much as they let me; not more than that. Just yesterday I noticed maybe that was not correct; we may love more than they let us if we have a tendency to love, have a need to love, or have a wish to forgive and forget, yes?

Or maybe, we do that because we feel like it is an honourable thing to do. Maybe if we do so, we will prove ourselves and others that ours was a true love – as if we have to convince that it was love and we were good at it. Why? There can be truth here that sometimes we can never be sure whether it is love or not; there is so many mixed feelings coming through our minds and going through our hearts. Knowing ourselves is the biggest challenge when comes to love.

Attaining and living love is a painful thing; we struggle, confuse, question ourselves and others, calculate or deal with risks and  issues/unexpected, but I do not agree that it can be explained by only pain, or by mostly pain. I think love is bigger than pain.

There is this love story of two young and terminal cancer patients by John Green, in the novel “The faults in our stars”. I read this book in a single day. It is an easy reading with tragic topics, such as death and life, but the love story between the two teenagers is interesting. I came to realize why love is bigger than pain for me, thanks to this story (because in contrast to the character in the book, I do not associate love with pain that intensely).

Love as we feel it is beautiful whether there is pain in it or not. If pain is bigger than it, then we would not call it love now, would we?

I love loving some people; more than they can think about or deserve. And I think that says something about me as much as them. This love, though, I own.