I am still grieving the loss of my mom, in a very strange way.
My energy has dropped, so did my work performance. I have difficulty getting up in the morning. Every day, even the very mundane thing, is an annoying thing to deal with and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am, I think, angry deep down and not in the mood of pressure. I thought I just needed time to process my emotions, rather than focusing fully on the work. Just today, I thought maybe this was depression. I do not know what is the right one, honestly.
It is strange to me – I know I am not the only one who suffered or is grieving. But while I accepted that it would make me sad, I never thought that it would stop me…. That is why it is strange..
It is unrealistic to expect someone going through the loss of a close family member be fine and fully functional in the weeks/months to come. I think the work places should be flexible enough to recognize this and allow compassionate leaves longer than what is in the work contracts. In the few past days, I have been contemplating about maybe having a medical leave, if this gets out of my hand. That would have negative effects on my career, but honestly, I cannot care about this right now.
For now, I take one day at a time, and at the end of the work day, I am just grateful that I could live it and let go. What a strange thought. I semi-force myself to focus on my tasks and have reduced the expectations from me. I also have dropped a couple if extra tasks that I loved but have got no recognition so far. It breaks my heart, but at least I have one less thing to think about. I have yet another tasks/roles to drop if I cannot gather myself and energy anytime soon. Considering what a high energy and high performance professional I have been, I feel shaken, broken, and somehow relieved as well. Perhaps, I was putting too much stress on myself (i know that actually this is true). Perhaps my current level of work and work speed is what it is supposed to be.
Anyways. Yesterday I realized that I lost my both parents – my dad almost 6 years ago and my mom a few weeks back. My dad was the best and perhaps the only person who openly was proud of me and excited of my achievements. Recognition, he gave me abundantly. My mom was the only person who loved me and treated me the best in the world. Now, I have neither of them. I am broken, no matter how old and mature I am (around 50 years).
I feel for my siblings, as they have lived with the trauma of sickness and death of my mom much closer and vividly than me. They are in poor conditions, psychologically, and I do not know how to help. One of them is seeking counseling and the other one is just a closed case – he needs to fix it himself by his internal dialogues. I wish we did have much better, closer relationships and talk to each other sincerely so that we could support each other better. While my siblings are close with each other, sadly, I am not – living away from home sadly does this over time. You just become distant….
I wonder how my relations with my siblings will develop and progress. I realized that my mom was the glue. A strong glue. Will we stick around each other? Or, will I continue to have strained relationships with my siblings? The future days will show.
For now, I just realize that our lives have changed for ever. I wish for the best for me and my siblings in the coming days.