this was not the life I wanted

This was not the life I wanted.

I was supposed to love, be loved, and have a family of my own.

I was supposed to be happy and joyful, smiling and laughing. I was supposed to be with my friends, having care-free and fully supportive relationships without personal agendas.

I was supposed to live in a fair and just life.

I was supposed to work at an organization that valued me and my efforts rather than belittling me because of my gender, where I was from, or what they assumed I believed in.

I was supposed to be comfortable under my own skin, feeling great about my own identity, body, character, and acts.

I was supposed to feel confident and strong against any tides life could throw in my direction.

I was supposed to be free, walk in the weekends in busy streets, see the movies and dance to the songs I have loved.

I was supposed to discover myself in relationships.

I was supposed to have excitement. 

I was supposed to live somewhere else.

I was supposed to be happy.

but I am not.

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I have none of these that I thought I was entitled to. Not because I did not want to. But because I made choices.

I chose to move here and take this position, which now is under too much stress and the environment is getting more and more toxic, with lay offs and people blaming, belittling, or pushing away each other.

I chose to have a secure position that will give me financial stability and a sense of meaning and strength. I chose to do what I once loved to my bones – my job.

I chose to stay even after I realized whatever I was getting was not enough for me to feel good about myself or my life. In contrast, I was in so much stress and pressure that I do not know why I have stayed. Tell me – why did I choose to stay?

I chose to not have trips to see new places or friends to rather save the money for my future.

I chose to over and over take a mental note and saying “there is nothing much here for me to do alone”. A hobby class? A dance/sports club? A cooking class? Poetry? Writing? New language? Anything. I chose to have no such interests.

I chose that instead of having zillion of friends, I would have a few good ones in my life.

I chose to believe in that I was not a good cook so I hardly host my friends at my home.

I chose that the most interesting activity for me at the weekends would be to visit the two shopping malls in my city, browse the stores, and purchase what I may need.

I chose to believe in that at my age of mid-40, I was already old.

I chose to believe that I was not lovable.

I chose to have no future plans. I have tried multiple times. It just does not happen – what am I waiting for?

What is it that drags and anchors me down?

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What am I supposed to change in my thinking, my priorities, my life?

What choices I must reverse and what new choices I must make to be happy?

Tell me.

middle age awakening

As a middle aged person (mid 40’s now) and familiar with life and death, and change in the body and age, I have started to have different feelings, different thoughts for some time now.

Death is a subject that I, like many people, would like to ignore. I am lucky in the sense that none of my family members and dear friends have yet passed away. But I am at an age that makes me realize that this may change soon, starting maybe with my parents. Not that this means that young people in my family or friends cannot die; they may. It is just that the increasing age makes it more likely. And all is scary…

I do not think I will ever come to terms with death or understand it fully for that matter. But I am glad I at least started to realize how real it is.

A couple of days ago, I thought about my own death as well; it scared me as it felt lonely. This thought, the thought of my own death, was something new to me. I did not want to die. This somehow helped me to notice my love for life.

I decided to do and prioritize things differently to have a life that I will love and has no or little regrets.

Regrets are hard and like anyone else I too have regrets; I wished I was happier for example. I wish I had handled things better and made my well being a priority. I wish I had spent more time with my family and I did not love my job that much. My job probably has a bigger role in my life than others, as I not only earn a living with it, but also changed the countries and cities I have lived in,  hardly got settled in anywhere, and with it and because of it I have got to get many difficult life and work experiences.

Eventually, I am grateful for what I have become and for my life as a whole. But it is time to re-think, re-assess, and re-decide what is important, what is not. What deserves my time and energy? How do I find more meaning in it? How do I help others better? How do I stop beating myself and relax? How do I take better care of myself? What are my needs that I neglected? What can I dump along the way to release myself from stress, sadness, and hopelessness? What excites me and how do I get them?

I feel like I will revisit this topic time to time. I am not interested in having a bucket list of 50 things to do before 50, but hey, maybe I should. Maybe they will help me discover my needs and wishes. This is gonna be challenging as I am someone who does not have long term plans, but maybe that also should change.

Now that is what I call the middle age awakening, rather than a middle age crisis 🙂

joy journal – Oct 24, 2015

1. I am grateful for the following; I am tired after a long and daunting trip and I feel like I will leave quite a bit of stuff in my work and in my life and move towards a new, better structured, and meaningful life. I am excited about this, as sometime in the stress and problems lie the solution for a better future. I am hoping this is what is happening. I should be cautious as I do not want to make a mistake and leave something just because I am feeling tired (mentally) and frustrated. From my past experience, I have had many knee-jerk reactions, some of which I later regretted. This time, I will think calmly, estimate cons and pros, and decide about the best by taking my time.

2. I am grateful for sleeping well yesterday night prior to the early morning flight which I need to catch up.

3. I am grateful for the coffee, bagels, yogurt, cheese, and bread I have had today; they nourished my body and gave me the energy I needed.

4. I am grateful for my health and well being.

5. I am grateful for being resourceful and being familiar with minimalism prior to my trip, when my airline lost my luggage and left me with a set of clothes. I kept generally positive and look for ways to minimize the impact on myself and my business meeting. I saw it as an “adventure”. It was not the end of the world. It was not that bad. Until I talked to my airline and learning that they were sending the luggage back to my hotel the next day when I was scheduled to return back. I wonder; the airlines have no plan, no system in place to ensure the best for their customers? I plan to put these in writing together with my reimbursement form. Hope they will benefit from the feedback and if we are any lucky, then maybe they will do some adjustments for future customers.

6. I am grateful for my backpack and having some extra items in it prior to my trip. It literally helped me go thru the first 2 days. I made a mental note to have an extra trouser and a t-shirt whenever i go for a meeting, together with my personal stuff in case I get to experience a luggage lost again.

7. I am grateful for the trip starting tomorrow. It is a long trip, but I hope to enjoy my stay. I also get to meet with an old friend of mine who I love. It is gonna be awesome 🙂

8. I am grateful for doing the laundry and nothing else today. I am relaxing and mending.

9. I am grateful for not eating too much or unhealthy today.

10. I am grateful for thinking about my job and my job relationship. I think I am going thru a “middle age awakening: (not crisis). I am evaluating my past choices, my current life and work, and listening to my feelings; what are my priorities now? What would make my life more meaningful, happy, and exciting? What would make my life better? What are the things that I am missing in life? how can I get more meaning, peace, happiness, and satisfaction in my life? What should be the new directions in my life? Am I happy where I am? Where can I? What are my needs? What are my dreams?…

11. I am grateful for coming to home and coming to my senses about my healthy life style plans. I have not done well during the trip, but i have seen how good choices I have made the first day. This is a good reminder to keep going.

12. I am grateful for my family and good friends. Their love, humour, support and sincerity makes my life a lot easier and lovelier.

13. I am grateful for the relaxing music I am listening to now. It reminds me my need to stretch and being mindful. See what is important; what is not..

14. I am grateful for my blogging experience; I have missed reading, writing, and interacting with my fellow bloggers. I have been thinking the other day; no matter how depressing or problematic is a time-period in my life, I always have, find, and do things that I like and cherish. This experience is one of them.

15. I am grateful for being grateful. Honestly I started this post to feel better (which I do not…), as writing my journal always cheered me up in the past. I will accept this as what it is; I will accept my feelings as they are. Tomorrow will be another day 🙂

16. I am grateful for having hope 🙂